Resolutions

I close the door of my brand new apartment: I have just moved in and yet another new beginning has hence started in my life.

Memories flood my mind about the last time I moved into a new apartment here in Japan, trying to make a home for myself. I was full of excitement at the idea of starting a new job in which I thought was quite a promising company. The painful memories surface of people who were supposed to be there to guide me and support me but turned out to be two-faced liars with their own, hidden agendas. I felt so alone and deserted. Looking back to last summer offers only painful memories. On hind sight, after a few months, I genuinely wonder how I made it through everything. Last year was such a challenge that I am afraid to admit my mental health was at stake. Good riddance, poisonous K&F English Academy. 

But that's in the past now. I look forward to this new beginning without holding on to grudges.

As the year was about to turn I got asked a lot about resolutions for the new year. I’m afraid I might have come across a bit harsh or even rude to the people inquiring about my new year's resolutions. The fact is I think they’re utter rubbish. For me it’s simply a senseless tradition our culture holds: we make promises to ourselves just for the sake of making them. Everyone knows they hold no real meaning: the first couple of weeks of January the gyms are full of people exercising, others stock up on nicotine pads or gum to give up smoking, some might start a new, “more meaningful” hobby such as playing an instrument or learning a new language perhaps. By the end of January a whopping majority of these “promises” have been broken. I do not understand the façade of this circus. What’s the point? Are people so sadistic and self-loathing that year after year we enjoy making empty promises to the most important person in our lives, ourselves, and then give up on them for one reason or another leaving us feeling disappointed and useless?

I resent the message new year resolutions send out: that there is only one time of the year to make resolutions, promises or change your life for the better. Why don’t we acknowledge the resolutions and changes we strive for during the year? Or better yet: why don't we strive for resolutions and changes during our everyday lives? Life is what happens throughout the year, the pinnacle of our annual existence surely is not the new year.

My promise to myself, my personal resolution is each and every day to be(come) a better person: more patient, understanding, loving and giving. We don’t need a special occasion to change our lives. Now is the best time, the only time. And it’s important to remember that you will sometimes falter, no matter how motivated. Of course sometimes I fail. I am not always the very best I can be, I have off days and phases when I am utterly selfish or moody. It’s OK, I forgive myself. I try again the next day. I won’t give up, throw in the towel nor declare to myself that oh well, since I failed today at being a good person I’ll just continue to be a selfish turd from now on. One has to be understanding and patient with oneself, too.

Coming home to Japan from my holiday in the Philippines a few days ago has left me exhausted but happy. Though my holiday was stressful I the more I yearned to come back home. I am genuinely overjoyed, bursting with the wonderful feeling of being loved. I have such lovely people in my life here who truly care for me and vice versa. It has been amazing returning home and to be reminded how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by warm-hearted, good people. It’s easy to let go of bad memories when you are reminded of the good in life.

I try putting my appreciation into words but fear I never will be able to find the sufficient words to describe how grateful I am right now. So I have had this resolution for a while that I’m really striving to hold on to: to show people how much they mean to me. When people make you happy, don’t hesitate to let them know they do. I have found these past months that returning the joy, happiness and love is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

Here's to a better new year and great resolutions!

Holiday horror

Two weeks in the Philippines and I'm sitting at Cebu-Mactan Airport waiting for my flight to Manila. Wishing so hard that by some magic this coming flight would change its destination and I could fly back home to Hiroshima.

It's not that something extraordinarily horrible happened during this holiday but I simply think it was not the right time and place for me to come here. I thought I would enjoy a beach holiday in South East Asia, but I forgot how stressful all the chaos, hassle and constant money grumbling here is. I am exhausted. I have no more strength to haggle prices on every turn: the shops, markets, tricycles and taxis... The scammers and hagglers have sucked the joy out of me. I simply wanted to go on a holiday and relax but instead I've found myself in constant turmoil.

I am not saying the Philippines is to blame. It is a country of beautiful islands and beaches where many local people are happy and sweet, totally hospitable. Unfortunately this was the wrong venue for me. If I could turn back time now I would book a luxurious resort and stay in one location to remove the stress of transport and constant haggling.

For the life of me I can't shake the repulsion when being scammed everywhere I go here. I know this is South East Asia and you have to roll with it - the unorganized dirty chaos sprinkled with money grabbing scammers lurking around every corner. And honestly I thought I could easily deal with as I have spent many months traveling across SE Asian countries before! Alas, I was mistaken. Perhaps I have grown to like the easier things in life as the backpacker style doesn't hold any appeal to me anymore.

Ironically Manila treated me well, and that was all thanks to some amazing friends that I have there. They showed me such hospitality and made my time in that big, dirty city so wonderful that the islands simply had a hard time impressing me.
On one hand I hate criticizing my time in the Philippines because I know nobody wants to hear negative things about their country - but I have to be honest and I have a need to vent. It's nothing personal, after all.

I can't remember the last time I was happy to go home from a holiday that I wished ever so badly for the holiday to be over. Of course it has not been all bad, not at all! It has been many small things good and bad, some big things wonderful and horrible, and it all boils down to the fact that I am sick and tired of being on full alert all the time to avoid trouble. Traveling as a young, white female I now realize that I have been subjected to even more hassle than I was prepared for. People think I'm an easy target. But I have fought back as I refuse to let people take advantage of me.

At this stage of my life, after traveling so many years to so many countries I would like to say that nothing gets to me - but it's not true. My heart sinks every time I notice a local trying to scam me. It feels like a slap in the face when people try to use you. And again, I knew this would be what would happen in SE Asia and I genuinely thought I could brush it off.

This is the first holiday ever where I was afraid a taxi driver would actually kidnap me or hold me against my will, where I witnessed hostel staff leave dirty sheets on beds for new guests to arrive or where I went to a buffet restaurant where all the food was cold or uncooked to a health hazard leaving me no choice other than to walk away.

And perhaps it is because I had such high expectations of this holiday that it's gone so wrong. I worked SO hard last year and overcame some real-life nightmares that if there ever was a time in my life that I deserved and needed a holiday it was this one. Ironically I have not been relaxing that much but spent my time stressing.

I am sure there is a lesson to be learnt here. I am not yet sure what it is but I know going home has never felt so good. Time for reflection shall surely follow once I am safely back. And however stressful this holiday has been I know it will make my return back to Japan ever so sweeter. I miss the organized, clean, polite, rule-operated nation with it's shy and polite people.
I love you, Japan, I'm coming home soon!