6 (gazillion) reasons why anywhere is better than living in China

Anyone who's talked to me about my experiences living in China - or read my blog - knows that I faced a lot of difficulties during my year in China. I tried so hard to keep a positive attitude but the reality of it was that since day one I always felt uncomfortable being there.

So why did I stay for the entire year if I really did feel that strongly about it? It's hard to answer that question - even to myself. On retrospective I think I kept hoping it would get better: surely I'd get used to the way of life there and the repetition of the same difficulties would become tolerable. But I never shook the feeling of "get me out of here". I struggled. But I made it.

I remember my first day in China clearly. Arriving to Beijing and spending a day there being whisked away to different locations to get a taste of the capital and being in awe of the size of the nation's capital, particularly the insane traffic. But later that night flying to what was to be my home city for a year was a shock to all my senses.

Here are some of the most important reasons I never felt at home in China - and why I was always contemplating whether to leave sooner rather than later.

Chinese customs and traditions: public chaos and rudeness.
Talking about customs and traditions in China is a wide area to cover but I'll try to pinpoint the essentials. The general rude attitude and lack of respect towards your fellow people was always something that made me fume while living in China.
A good friend of mine who'd been living in China for a while said: "the Chinese as a population are rude and inconsiderate, but once you become friends with the individuals, they will walk through walls for you." This is spot on. In general Chinese are the rudest people I've ever encountered: the chaos in public areas leads to pushing, grabbing, people yelling excessively and if you've ever visited a bank, a post office, a hospital or whatever establishment requiring queues, you'll be shocked by people's behavior. Chinese people have no idea what queuing is nor have they heard of "first come first served". If you try to abide the rules you'll soon discover there are no rules in China!

Pollution. 
It's pretty obvious why this was one of the first shocks for me when I got to China and why it remained one of the biggest reasons why I always felt like leaving. The pollution was horrid. HORRID. Most of the days it was a thick mist covering the entire city, sometimes it would be an all consuming cloud. A few times I'd open the curtains of my apartment to realize I can't see outside because of the pollution. It was surreal. In the very worst way. I got sick multiple times due to the high pollution levels. In general I was constantly sneezing and coughing black phlegm. It was scary. I can only imagine what a year of exposure did to my lungs and I hope the damage isn't permanent.

Food safety.
I have so many stories of how I got sick eating "normal" local food in various reputable restaurants. Let's just say you never know what is safe to eat and what is not. A meat skewer purchased from a street vendor might not make your tummy turn but eating in a fancy restaurant might make you end up in bloody diarrhea for such a long time that you'll find yourself in an IV drip at the hospital. I had continuous problems with food: sometimes mild tummy aches but I can't even count the times I was so violently sick I ended up with high fever and multiple trips to the hospital.

People defecating in public.
Yes, that means there's someone pooping on the street outside the restaurant you're eating in. Enough said. (Don't take my word for it, go ahead and Google.)

Customs and traditions: treatment of foreigners.
You might think "since you go to a foreign country you shouldn't complain how they treat you!" but how would you feel like if once you leave the comfort of your safe apartment, ventured outside and were constantly stared at and people pointed their fingers at you while laughing/screaming? How about you go grocery shopping and the entire staff follows you around trying to put things in your basket/shopping cart while you're trying to be polite and telling them to please go away, please, I'd like to be left alone? Or my personal favorite: I'm in a restaurant eating and people take pictures or video me while I'm trying to enjoy my meal.
I never got used to (nor I think anyone should get used to) being constantly pointed at, stared at with gaping mouths, secretly filmed or photographed. Random strangers would come up to me and comment on my appearances: my weight ("oh you're so fat!", my skin color "you're ridiculously white!" or just anything - because I looked so different. I told a few people that in the Western culture pointing is rude and commenting on someone's appearances is not cool either. Until the very last day I left I heard the same comments over and over again.

Customs and traditions: dishonesty.
As a good Chinese friend of mine said "all Chinese people lie".
Let's just get this straight: I think dishonesty is something that all nations globally have in common as corruption and dishonesty is found everywhere. Obviously in China the biggest proof of this is the Chinese government which doesn't allow freedom of speech or its citizens to reach information other than that which the government allows.
But I won't go on a rant about all that. My personal experiences were enough to convince that me people avoid the truth in the grassroot level, too. First week I started working my school's manager told me that they have told all the staff and clients that I come from England - obviously a non-native English speaker would not be good enough. I was dumbstruck and against my better judgement went along with it. Soon after I found out that the staff and clients were also told that I had a 5 year contract. And to this day I'm not sure what they told my students as I was leaving after a year.
Being ripped off is also something that will occur to you all the time in China. I had fights with taxi drivers on daily basis as they were trying to rip me off. Chinese are more money orientated (obsessed) than any other nation I've ever encountered.

There were many more things that made me cringe, fume or despair during my time in China but hopefully this will explain why I still can't look back at that time with any warm, fuzzy feelings.

On the bright side: the difficulties I'm facing now in Japan seem very much lightweight compared to where I was only a year ago! If nothing else then my year in China truly made me appreciate the essentials, things I'd previously taken for granted, in a new way.

Thank you for the teaching me a lesson or two, China! Goodbye.

One of the perks of not living in China anymore is not having to see crotchless pants ever again

Surviving trauma

I've lived in several different countries around the world during the past six years and I know for a fact that it's not always easy going. It's actually better to expect turmoil because more than likely it will happen in one form or another.
Yet I feel like nothing has really prepared me for the ride I'm in for right now in Japan. The beginning was quite serene: for the two months I lived in Kyoto I had a routine of job hunting but also an abundance of leisure time and I felt that the stress of finding a job would be my most serious tribulation. When I jumped aboard that bullet train taking me from Kyoto to my current home city I thought from there on things would be smooth sailing for me. It's difficult to describe how wrong I was.

My colleague's suicide was like an explosion in my reality. I still find shards of it everywhere. I now understand it has been a trauma which I need to survive. After the news of her actions reached us at work things were surreal. Unfortunately I have also felt anxiety due to both rumors and events I have personally witnessed at my work place. As if that wasn't enough, couple of weeks ago I began to get heavily pressured at work - which was just too much. I felt like falling apart. My thoughts were often drawn to my colleague who had taken her own life as I knew she had really struggled with the pressure at the work place. I remembered so clearly how distraught and afraid she was - and I felt my own anxiety grow. Could I do this? I wasn't sure at all. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be brought to a place where I wasn't comfortable with my life anymore. That place was looming in the horizon ominously.

Luckily the issue was brought up at work and I got to tell honestly how I felt. It was difficult, but I needed to be honest about the situation. And after that I've felt much better. The pressure has also lifted somewhat - and it needed to happen as no self-respecting person could take so much of insane turbulence in such a short time. And no one should be pressured that hard in the first place.

It's not an exaggeration to say life here has been like surviving a trauma. Phase one has been having to face an unexpected shock. And then going through the emotions such as confusion, anger, anxiety, fear, feeling disconnected and numb as well as physically fatigue, even having nightmares. After which comes phase two: recovery, trying to get back to "normal" but still struggling with fatigue, sleep disturbance and social difficulties.

I never expected my experience in Japan to start like this. But I know that whatever happens next things will get better.
I simply won't allow more turbulence in my life.

Keeping my head above the water

Rocky road with extra nuts (not the delicious kind)

I haven't been able to write my blog in a while. It feels like since moving to this new city in Japan EVERYTHING has happened. The last few weeks I've had the sensation of living in a fog: not sure what exactly it is that I'm doing or even how I'm feeling.

When I first moved here I was so excited about the new beginning with so many things to look forward to: a job that I was sure will be challenging yet fun, a beautiful small coastal city to live in and all unknown adventures waiting for me. Retrospectively thinking I've had one of the worst starts I never even considered possible.

Forgetting the fact that I actually had a little accident on my first day in my new city after falling off a bike and injuring my left arm I thought things were going to sky rocket towards better things. I am an eternal optimist you see, it's in my nature to genuinely believe things will get better and happier times lay ahead. I was bitterly mistaken this time around. It didn't take longer than a couple of days when I started hearing things from my co-workers: they were apparently getting to know me and like me because they told me they needed to let me know about things that were going on in our work place. I heard about their tribulations with the company we were working for and it all seemed like a slap in the face. My heart sank a bit. What was I in for?

None the less I kept my positive attitude as I was sure if I just continued feeling optimistic about the future it would unfold beautifully. I truly was in good spirits despite all the warnings that my colleagues gave me.

And then things got strange. Shortly after that they got horrible: word reached our company in the form of the police that my colleague had killed herself.
I felt everything around me become a blur. Nothing made sense.

I could go on and on about the shock, self-blame, feeling of absurd surrealness, sorrow and pain... It was all there and after 3 weeks some of it quite obviously still remains.

The aftermath of a suicide is almost unfathomable. All of us at work were in a state of shock and things were made worse when we were told by the management not to tell anyone about what had happened. We were simply told to put on a happy face and fake it. Inside I felt such resentment and anger towards this policy but I was too distraught to fight against it. I was a zombie numbed by the absurdity of the situation and the personal pain I was now told to hide.

It has been a rocky road.

Now enough time has passed that I can look at things that have happened here with more perspective. The pain and the question "why?" still remain and I know they'll never cease to exist - though time will help. I still feel torn about my life here but I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to focus on keeping a positive mind and believing that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Things will work out; I can do this.
Life must not only be lived but most importantly, be enjoyed.


R.I.P. all those dear to us that have departed.