This growing older thing ain't half bad after all

I recently turned 35. (I secretly wished I could be 25 again.)

As a person in their mid-thirties who has plentiful life experience behind them I consider myself mature enough to be over the most obvious symptoms of juvenile immaturity.
Don't get me wrong, I have no illusions about being an "adult" who has it all together - whatever that means. I have my  moments of insecurity, doubts and tantrums.

I think most people remain young at heart even after not considered young young any longer. We grow older and wiser in time and through experiences but it's natural to have some of those irritating juvenile hang-ups still lurking around.

As I celebrated my birthday a while back I got a bit depressed realizing that the older you get the faster time flies and I felt like by this age I should be more wholesome and less jaded. I thought about myself in my 20's a lot. I soon found comfort as I was reminded that I have actually grown more mature and am more in harmony with myself than I perhaps gave myself credit for.

This extra perspective was gained as I was recently heavily exposed to spending time professionally and personally with a person who was young but also very immature for their age. In certain ways the rough exterior, sense of drama and exhibitionism reminded me of who I used to be when I was quite young and immature myself. I was touched by the tragically sensitive bi-polarity of this person as well as it so strongly reminded me of myself battling with extreme happy, elated state of mind and the deepest pitch of darkness so many years ago. In a way I saw my younger self in my new colleague/friend.

But I quickly changed my mind. I no longer could sympathize with someone who was rude and egocentric the way only a young thing with insecurities can be. It was exhausting working with someone who got personally offended every time they received critical feedback and who threw a million excuses at you when being told how to behave at a work place. I tried to be understanding and assured myself that surely I had been just as dramatic and stubborn when I was that young. In the end I gave up trying to motivate or guide to a new level of understanding.

During personal time I was exhausted to have the same person constantly entering my private space with painful efforts that shouted "notice me! Pay attention! Now! ...please?". It was almost endearing to observe the constant battle of huge insecurities and cocky attitude in one single embodiment. How cruel is life to give young people beauty and energy only to torment them with self-doubt and pettiness.
Youth truly is wasted on the young.

My experience with this particular person was really eye-opening and truly gave me perspective. I realized the importance of experience and hence the inevitableness of age. All the things that I have lived through, the tears of joy, shivers of terror and cries of both pleasure and pain have played an important role in growing to be this person who is not afraid to look herself in the mirror and accept who she is. This growth has taken time which has not been in vain.

When I was younger I was terrified of my flaws and like so many I lied to myself, avoiding the painful realizations. But the truth shall set you free. As I decided that my life was in the point that something big needed to change in it I was finally brave enough to be completely honest with myself.
I cringe when I see new lines on my face or realize that my body is changing, my levels of energy are not what they used to be...BUT I still prefer to be here and now, having both sympathy and healthy criticism towards myself.

Years passed have offered me ample opportunities to better myself. I have taken many of them, certainly not all.

We are all individuals and mature in different ways, methods and there is never a schedule for these things. As long as we move forward, learn and gain perspective then isn't the total sum of adding X amount of years to Y amount of life experiences greater than equal?

From fake smiles to real hugs

The nightmares have stopped.

I'm over it. The whole horrible memory of my previous job is now just that, a bad memory.

To put behind such an insane, abusive work experience is like recovering from an abusive relationship. I went through such a break up three years ago and it's quite unsettling how many similarities there are between an abusive personal relationship and an abusive working environment.

Both started with a lot of theatrical show-off and promises of how great the future would be. In both cases very soon that sugar coating wore thin, cracking and crumbling and revealing black, disgusting cavities and horrors.

After distancing myself from both these cases, my previous abusive personal relationship and the resent work experience, I have gained perspective and realized how warped both were. Working for my previous company I met people who were faking to be my friends - just as my previous boyfriend pretended to love me in order to control me. But it's quite remarkable how deep inside you your guts know that the attention and care you are receiving are not genuine. I remember going to work after the "honeymoon" was over and thinking to myself how fake and soulless my employers and colleagues were - and how shocking that was to realize after all the theatrics they put on and pretended to care about me. Very much like my previous, private relationship with an abusive boyfriend.

Very soon after realizing my ex-boyfriend was abusive I gathered all my strength and left him. In secret, I ran away from him so he couldn't hurt me. "Funnily" enough that's exactly what I did when I realized my last work situation had become insane and scary. But alas, on both occasions I felt such a surge of power as I reclaimed my independence, freedom and happiness back from an evil tyrant.

And just like after leaving my old abusive relationship behind I felt the same mixture of fear and relief as I moved far away from my previous job. It's difficult to explain to a person who has never been afraid of another person what it feels like to have fear. I know if you have not experienced it, you will not fully understand what goes on. Many people belittled me and my situation after I told them about my previous relationship and the abuse that happened. Their ignorance was hurtful - especially coming from people who were supposed to be my friends. I still struggle to forgive those people their ignorance and careless, cruel words.

That same denial has happened with this previous experience as well when I told some of my friends about my struggles. They brushed it off saying things like "oh you always get into situations like these" or "it's not really like that now is it" and rolling their eyes as if I were some childish drama queen. I spoke about my fears and anxieties and again people had difficulties understanding. I won't lie, it did hurt once again.
Luckily on both occasions I had people who knew what I was going through, who trusted my judgement and instead of patronizing gave me positive support. And I was able to make sensible choices.

Now instead of fake people and black, negative energy pushing me to anxiety I have friends who give me real hugs instead of fake smiles. I wake up feeling happy going to work instead of losing night's sleep worrying about the next day at the office. When I talk to my managers they are supportive, positive and genuine instead of trying desperately to boost their ego by putting me down. I laugh because I'm happy, not because I was told in the weekly meeting that I must appear positive in front of customers.

I feel loved and cared for right now. I couldn't be further away from that gloomy hell. All this is thanks to the people who have been there for me. Before, during and after. Thank you.

I'll end this with befitting lyrics from the Beatles...

What would you think if I sang out of tune

Would you stand up and walk out on me

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

And I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends

...

Run for the hills

I've done it again.

I have persevered a straining phase in my life, taken the negative and turned it around to create a positive.

In short, I have left my first job in Japan. More accurately: I have escaped.

OK, so many people quit their jobs, why would this be anything special or even remotely interesting? Well, there is nothing average about my story.

This particular job was extraordinarily challenging from the beginning - after five days of starting in the company my colleague killed herself. It opened a terrifying Pandora's box and the aftermath that has lasted for 5 months since then has been nothing short of insane.

When starting in a new work environment a person usually has a positive outlook towards the future and some small bumps along the road are normal. What I experienced were not bumps but grand mountains, gorges and pits of furnace. At times it felt like living hell.

I was told during my first week at work not to tell any of my students or other people about the suicide that had affected the entire staff - the exception being the owner, who treated the incident as a mere annoyance to his profitable business. I was told to discreetly retreat to the staff room in case an uncontrollable sensation of sadness and tears got a hold of me during class. I was instructed not to cry in front of our clients because it would reveal that something had happened. At the time I was in such a dark mental state that I could not even comprehend the wrong that was being done there.

So there were lies. Big, massive, morally and ethically WRONG ones. At this stage I had very little respect left for the management but when the word got out and too many people knew the truth the company decided to hold a public briefing for the clients. Instead of honoring the memory of a person who had worked for the company for a year it was a sterile gathering where the owner only gave enough information to wash his own hands from the (literal) blood. The event left me even more shaken and traumatized that I had been before. It was difficult to understand how the owner had no respect for a person he had worked with side by side for such a long time - there were no tears, no remorse. He even declined to go identify the body because he was "too busy with work" and simply could not take the time to travel for such a reason.

After that I was in a haze. Looking back at it I realize now I was in a state of confusion and only functioning on automation. Making through the days was all I was capable. There was no enjoyment in my life.

But it got worse. Initially I was warned by my colleague who took her own life that the owner is a micromanaging tyrant who treats employees like slaves and turns the daily working routine into fits of terror. Unfortunately this was no exaggeration. I was being bullied by the owner - he tried desperately to mold me into an employee that would obey all his orders and whims. I was being told that I was not up to the challenge of working in a language school and that my classes were below standard. We disagreed on fundamental things such as teaching methods.

I will never forget one particular conversation where the owner told me that I have "a chip on my shoulder" as I refused to agree that his teaching method of pushing young students to the extreme were not effective. I knew he didn't like a personality such as I am: straightforward, no tolerance for nonsense, strong and independent. He wasn't able to enslave me and that was making him very angry. I felt physically intimidated though I don't consider myself easily shaken.
During that meeting I made a comment about how the brain is capable of learning new material and he stopped me mid-sentence, slamming his fist on the table and yelled "I know about the brain, Jenni!". I was speechless. It was such a surreal situation I only imagined could take place in a crazy comedy. But this was reality. It was my reality. I went home feeling desperate.

I realized it wouldn't get any better. My working life was like a prison sentence. I had signed an 18 month contract and I felt trapped after a month. I was desperate. What could I do?

Bad situations have a habit of escalating... So naturally I had nightmares regularly about work related issues and I felt like a zombie at work, just slaving away trying not to rock the boat. I was being told to "fake it 'til you make it", "give the students the impression that you care" and an abundance of other "advice" that reinforced the feeling that this particular company was the complete opposite representation of my personal values. I could not continue working for these people, selling my soul each day.

There were many things that happened towards the end as I was contemplating on my exit strategy. Or I should say many things that were revealed to me by those who had been working for the company previously - the information I received gave me little choice. So I chose the only viable way: to leave secretly. To run away. Abandoning the company and also my apartment that was rented via my employer sadly looked as the only real option. For an honest person this was a tough choice. But knowing how I would be treated if I handed in my resignation I really saw no other way. It had to be done.

So I packed my bags and one beautiful morning left my apartment. I felt giddy, nervous, free! I was running away and it was amazing!

For someone who has for months on end endured aggressive working conditions, childish behavior from the management and felt fear as well as stress continuously at the work place I can now assure you that I feel uplifted. It has been a week since I escaped and the nightmares are slowly dying. The realization that I don't have to go back to a mad house anymore is sinking in.

I am happy now.


PS. I know the company's management reads this personal blog of mine regularly so I do wish this is giving you an insight on how to treat future employees.

ASS-U-ME

I heard someone say once that "assumptions make an ass out of you and me" and at the time I thought it was hilarious as well as spot-on. 

Assumptions can be silly, annoying and from time to time flat out ridiculous - insulting even - yet we all assume many things throughout our days and it seems down right impossible to go on in life without assumptions. I do think some assumptions are necessary, ie. the sun will probably rise tomorrow and the world won't come to an end. Quite vital, right!

But it's the assumptions we make about other people that we should be wary of. Usually we draw conclusions based on how other people look - how they dress, do their hair, their physique - or what they do for a living or where and how they live. You might be thinking "so...what's wrong with that?". Well, let me ask you a question: have you ever had people make assumptions of who you are - possibly right after meeting you? Are those assumptions usually accurate or not? How do you feel when someone thinks they got you figured out just by assessing you by your appearances, nationality, sex, race or religion?

Due to having been a foreigner living in many different countries there are always some sort of light assumptions being made about me. For instance in China and now in Japan the locals are very surprised that I master eating with chopsticks as they assume Westerners can't use them. In Australia people were dubious that I enjoyed the hot, extreme weather in the outback as they assumed I had never experienced anything like it. In New Zealand the Kiwis were shocked whenever I complained about the cold, unheated houses because they assumed I was accustomed to crappy insulation. And the Irish were confused that I didn't sound like a Finnish person but thought I was Australian.

So what's the problem with assumptions? Quite frankly I personaly hate it when I meet people and they ask me a) where I'm from and b) what I do after which they then pretend to have me figured out. Many assume that I'm only in that current country for a fixed time and will then return home to my "normal" life. When I tell them how long I've been traveling and that I generally don't have a "plan" other than to keep on traveling people always seem confused. Now they don't have me figured out anymore and it's scary. I know I'm not alone with this as I have vagabond friends who have had same experiences with many people around the globe.

I faced a very similar situation with assumptions when I was younger and still living in my home country. I was a rather loud, outgoing personality - people called me "life of the party" and I was very pretty, which made me quite popular. Now, I will try not to sound too obnoxious when I say this, but I've always been a deep thinker underneath my crazy exterior. From a young age I've pondered about ethics, philosophical questions, psychology and I was an avid reader who could get lost in books for days. (And I still am.) Additionally many difficult, even traumatic things happened to me when I was younger that forced me to grow and become a strong, independent person quite quickly. But because of my funny, care-free exterior not many people seemed to venture beneath that layer. Many friends were surprised to find out that I was not only a fun party girl but also a serious ponderer. They had labelled me so vehemently to this one certain box that I can only assume (!) they were so confused about this U-turn that they did not want to let me out of this box labelled "fun and crazy". It would've been too difficult to "redefine" a person they thought they had known for years.

A good friend of mine from those younger years confessed to me only a while back that she and many of my friends were worried when I started my travels because they weren't sure if I would actually make it out there in the great big world! I was flabbergasted to hear this. Some of my closest friends had made such huge assumptions of me - that were so inaccurate - that it felt like they didn't even know me!

I'm not sure how my friends - or other people for that matter - categorize me now. I'm sure they do put me in a nice, convenient box with a label to match and it makes me sad. 

In reality none of us are just one thing or another: we are mosaics of many different things and deserve to be viewed that way!

To give an example, think of your parents. Many of us see our mothers and fathers as "only" our parents. They are the people we know but don't usually spend too much time thinking about what else they are - other than our parents, that is. They are mothers and fathers, but also sisters, brothers, lovers, fighters, brave leaders, explorers, quiet sufferers, timid introverts, egomaniacs... So many things that we can't even imagine because we would prefer to keep them nicely labeled as "parents" to avoid any confusion. 

When we make assumptions we are fulfilling a need to have other people "figured out". We've labelled and categorized them in our heads and placed them in their "rightful place". That's how we try to make sense of the world. It's such a profound need to understand the world that we do a "human thing" and label everything to death.

So perhaps it's time to expand our minds and open up to the fact that we are all many levels, different colors and variations with many traits and personalities - we aren't simply A thing, we are MANY.

I'd like to finish this stream of thoughts off with some lyrics from a popular song back in the day when I was so young I couldn't quite grasp the beauty of this message... 

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out

The season's already changing

I think it's cool, you do what you do

And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Meredith Brooks - Bitch

Me, myself and I

Selfishness.

Probably most of us have been called selfish by others one time or another. Personally I’ve been called selfish for different reasons, such as: I’ve changed my plans to favour a new exciting fling instead of spending quality time with a family member; I’ve concentrated on my needs instead of my partner’s; and I’ve even been accused of being selfish for continuing my vagabond travels instead of “contributing to the society”. I certainly have sometimes felt ashamed of my actions when I’ve thought about them and wondered how selfish they really were. But I also think often I’ve been falsely accused.

I have spent a lot of time throughout my traveling years wondering the true meaning of selfishness. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two kinds of selfishness’. First, there’s the healthy kind of selfishness that we need as individuals to set boundaries and concentrate on our well-being without sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. This, I reckon, is actually a vital part of balancing our everyday lives and to live in harmony with others. After all, if you’re not taking care of yourself, who is? I remember the first rule I learned during my Rescue Diver training: always make sure rescuing someone doesn’t get you in danger – you need to look out for yourself first. This rule was based on the idea that if you are in trouble how can you possibly rescue anyone else. I think that’s an excellent point that applies to our everyday lives perfectly.

Then secondly, we have the greedy selfishness, which is quite opposite to the healthy kind which enables us to live in harmony. The greedy selfishness tells us to put ourselves before everyone else. It screams “I’m better than the rest of you” and can be also dangerous. The greedy selfishness is something that I believe is a “built-in” trait in us people, a residue of the cavemen mentality. It makes sense, as when we were once savages we had to have extreme survival mode so being greedy and selfish kept us alive back then. (One could argue that we are still savages, but that’s a story for another day.)

Unfortunately it seems that we are still savages when it comes to being greedy. A good friend of mine shocked me a few years ago as we were traveling in an area suffering from drought and our hostel asked us to use water sparingly. As she was brushing her teeth while leaving the tap running I told her to turn it off. We got into a very heated argument and she refused to turn the tap off. Her words will never leave me, still echoing in my head when I think of what she said then: “I don’t care if generations after me don’t have enough water as long as I have enough now”. Not only did this shock me but I couldn’t believe a well-educated, NICE person could actually think like this! She has a child now and I am tempted to ask her how she feels about saving water reserves for next generation(s). Something tells me her attitude might have changed.

There are a lot more examples of greedy selfishness all around us, just having a quick look at what is going on in politics anywhere in the world is a great wake up call. Racism, discrimination, ignorance and intolerance are all weeds growing from the soil of greedy selfishness.

So how do we know the difference between healthy selfishness and the greedy, destructive kind? And why does it even matter? This all just poppycock, isn’t it?

Without wanting to sound like I wear flowers in my hair, I genuinely believe that the only way we can be fully satisfied and happy as individuals is when we embrace the healthy selfishness and dismiss the greedy, unhealthy kind.

Healthy selfishness will bring us peace and increase our feelings of self-worth. In short: when you feel good about yourself, you will most likely feel good about the world surrounding yourself.

As much as healthy selfishness brings us happiness the greedy selfishness will make us miserable: we will never feel connected with others or enjoy living as equals because we have a constant misconception of being better than our fellow man and hence the spiteful, negative energy will consume most of the positives in our lives.

What exactly is healthy selfishness?

- It’s taking time for yourself. Everyone needs alone time to charge batteries.

- It’s putting your needs first. Ie. if you’re short on money, don’t let your friends talk you into going for shopping spree/a big, expensive night out/a holiday abroad that’ll leave you broke.

- It’s saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. There is absolutely no sin in saying “no”. You don’t need to justify yourself or give any explanations, either.

- It’s following your heart or instincts to pursue something that’s important to you without letting people try to stop you. Sometimes everyone else around you seems to know what’s best for you – don’t try to please others, they are not the ones who have to live with your choices every day; you are.

- It’s accepting a compliment and also blowing your own horn when you know you’ve deserved it. In some cultures people are stingy when it comes to complimenting each other whereas other cultures blatantly over-do it. Always take a compliment and never criticize yourself when being complimented.

- It’s being honest. Nothing is more taxing than having to beat around the bush or to flat out lie. You don’t have to be rude when giving your honest opinion. It’s incredibly liberating to tell the truth and not having to stress out about lies big or small will increase the quality of your life.

And greedy selfishness?

- Only thinking about yourself constantly and disregarding other people’s needs.

- Disrespecting or mistreating others.

- Boosting your ego or personal status in other’s expense; putting other people down, belittling others.

- Lying to get yourself out of trouble, to create selfish opportunities, to improve your social status by appearing “better” (smarter, more successful, “cooler”, etc.) or to climb a career ladder.

- Putting yourself on a pedestal, thinking you are better than others.

- Acting to benefit yourself at the expense of others.

- Often triggers negative emotions and easily leads to intolerance, annoyance, anger, even hatred.

So how to start embracing healthy selfishness? I claim to be no expert but this is what works for me:

1. Ask yourself what makes you most happy in life. It might be your family, career, a hobby or another passion. Be honest to yourself!

2. Make those happiest things your priorities in life – this means spend most of your time with what makes you happy.

3.  Acknowledge things that bring negativity or stress in your life. It could be a person/people in your life, working conditions, etc. Again, be honest to yourself though it will be challenging.

4. Discard the negatives in your life. If you have people in your life that bring you negativity or consume your good energy, let them go. Change your job, your living arrangements, whatever it is that needs changing. It might be “inconvenient” or you might even think it’s impossible (it’s not) - but it IS healthy selfishness and will pay itself back with interest.

5. Embrace healthy selfishness and when you observe yourself being greedy selfish, stop and contemplate.

6. Repeat 1 – 5 regularly.

Leading a healthy selfish life has dramatically improved the quality of my existence. My greedy selfishness has decreased considerably and as a result I'd like to think I'm a better person. The trick for me was to realize that being selfish isn't always bad - but in fact it's a necessity.

Lastly, my favourite quote from the long gone TV-show Ally McBeal.

“- Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else’s?

 - They’re mine.”

6 (gazillion) reasons why anywhere is better than living in China

Anyone who's talked to me about my experiences living in China - or read my blog - knows that I faced a lot of difficulties during my year in China. I tried so hard to keep a positive attitude but the reality of it was that since day one I always felt uncomfortable being there.

So why did I stay for the entire year if I really did feel that strongly about it? It's hard to answer that question - even to myself. On retrospective I think I kept hoping it would get better: surely I'd get used to the way of life there and the repetition of the same difficulties would become tolerable. But I never shook the feeling of "get me out of here". I struggled. But I made it.

I remember my first day in China clearly. Arriving to Beijing and spending a day there being whisked away to different locations to get a taste of the capital and being in awe of the size of the nation's capital, particularly the insane traffic. But later that night flying to what was to be my home city for a year was a shock to all my senses.

Here are some of the most important reasons I never felt at home in China - and why I was always contemplating whether to leave sooner rather than later.

Chinese customs and traditions: public chaos and rudeness.
Talking about customs and traditions in China is a wide area to cover but I'll try to pinpoint the essentials. The general rude attitude and lack of respect towards your fellow people was always something that made me fume while living in China.
A good friend of mine who'd been living in China for a while said: "the Chinese as a population are rude and inconsiderate, but once you become friends with the individuals, they will walk through walls for you." This is spot on. In general Chinese are the rudest people I've ever encountered: the chaos in public areas leads to pushing, grabbing, people yelling excessively and if you've ever visited a bank, a post office, a hospital or whatever establishment requiring queues, you'll be shocked by people's behavior. Chinese people have no idea what queuing is nor have they heard of "first come first served". If you try to abide the rules you'll soon discover there are no rules in China!

Pollution. 
It's pretty obvious why this was one of the first shocks for me when I got to China and why it remained one of the biggest reasons why I always felt like leaving. The pollution was horrid. HORRID. Most of the days it was a thick mist covering the entire city, sometimes it would be an all consuming cloud. A few times I'd open the curtains of my apartment to realize I can't see outside because of the pollution. It was surreal. In the very worst way. I got sick multiple times due to the high pollution levels. In general I was constantly sneezing and coughing black phlegm. It was scary. I can only imagine what a year of exposure did to my lungs and I hope the damage isn't permanent.

Food safety.
I have so many stories of how I got sick eating "normal" local food in various reputable restaurants. Let's just say you never know what is safe to eat and what is not. A meat skewer purchased from a street vendor might not make your tummy turn but eating in a fancy restaurant might make you end up in bloody diarrhea for such a long time that you'll find yourself in an IV drip at the hospital. I had continuous problems with food: sometimes mild tummy aches but I can't even count the times I was so violently sick I ended up with high fever and multiple trips to the hospital.

People defecating in public.
Yes, that means there's someone pooping on the street outside the restaurant you're eating in. Enough said. (Don't take my word for it, go ahead and Google.)

Customs and traditions: treatment of foreigners.
You might think "since you go to a foreign country you shouldn't complain how they treat you!" but how would you feel like if once you leave the comfort of your safe apartment, ventured outside and were constantly stared at and people pointed their fingers at you while laughing/screaming? How about you go grocery shopping and the entire staff follows you around trying to put things in your basket/shopping cart while you're trying to be polite and telling them to please go away, please, I'd like to be left alone? Or my personal favorite: I'm in a restaurant eating and people take pictures or video me while I'm trying to enjoy my meal.
I never got used to (nor I think anyone should get used to) being constantly pointed at, stared at with gaping mouths, secretly filmed or photographed. Random strangers would come up to me and comment on my appearances: my weight ("oh you're so fat!", my skin color "you're ridiculously white!" or just anything - because I looked so different. I told a few people that in the Western culture pointing is rude and commenting on someone's appearances is not cool either. Until the very last day I left I heard the same comments over and over again.

Customs and traditions: dishonesty.
As a good Chinese friend of mine said "all Chinese people lie".
Let's just get this straight: I think dishonesty is something that all nations globally have in common as corruption and dishonesty is found everywhere. Obviously in China the biggest proof of this is the Chinese government which doesn't allow freedom of speech or its citizens to reach information other than that which the government allows.
But I won't go on a rant about all that. My personal experiences were enough to convince that me people avoid the truth in the grassroot level, too. First week I started working my school's manager told me that they have told all the staff and clients that I come from England - obviously a non-native English speaker would not be good enough. I was dumbstruck and against my better judgement went along with it. Soon after I found out that the staff and clients were also told that I had a 5 year contract. And to this day I'm not sure what they told my students as I was leaving after a year.
Being ripped off is also something that will occur to you all the time in China. I had fights with taxi drivers on daily basis as they were trying to rip me off. Chinese are more money orientated (obsessed) than any other nation I've ever encountered.

There were many more things that made me cringe, fume or despair during my time in China but hopefully this will explain why I still can't look back at that time with any warm, fuzzy feelings.

On the bright side: the difficulties I'm facing now in Japan seem very much lightweight compared to where I was only a year ago! If nothing else then my year in China truly made me appreciate the essentials, things I'd previously taken for granted, in a new way.

Thank you for the teaching me a lesson or two, China! Goodbye.

One of the perks of not living in China anymore is not having to see crotchless pants ever again

Surviving trauma

I've lived in several different countries around the world during the past six years and I know for a fact that it's not always easy going. It's actually better to expect turmoil because more than likely it will happen in one form or another.
Yet I feel like nothing has really prepared me for the ride I'm in for right now in Japan. The beginning was quite serene: for the two months I lived in Kyoto I had a routine of job hunting but also an abundance of leisure time and I felt that the stress of finding a job would be my most serious tribulation. When I jumped aboard that bullet train taking me from Kyoto to my current home city I thought from there on things would be smooth sailing for me. It's difficult to describe how wrong I was.

My colleague's suicide was like an explosion in my reality. I still find shards of it everywhere. I now understand it has been a trauma which I need to survive. After the news of her actions reached us at work things were surreal. Unfortunately I have also felt anxiety due to both rumors and events I have personally witnessed at my work place. As if that wasn't enough, couple of weeks ago I began to get heavily pressured at work - which was just too much. I felt like falling apart. My thoughts were often drawn to my colleague who had taken her own life as I knew she had really struggled with the pressure at the work place. I remembered so clearly how distraught and afraid she was - and I felt my own anxiety grow. Could I do this? I wasn't sure at all. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be brought to a place where I wasn't comfortable with my life anymore. That place was looming in the horizon ominously.

Luckily the issue was brought up at work and I got to tell honestly how I felt. It was difficult, but I needed to be honest about the situation. And after that I've felt much better. The pressure has also lifted somewhat - and it needed to happen as no self-respecting person could take so much of insane turbulence in such a short time. And no one should be pressured that hard in the first place.

It's not an exaggeration to say life here has been like surviving a trauma. Phase one has been having to face an unexpected shock. And then going through the emotions such as confusion, anger, anxiety, fear, feeling disconnected and numb as well as physically fatigue, even having nightmares. After which comes phase two: recovery, trying to get back to "normal" but still struggling with fatigue, sleep disturbance and social difficulties.

I never expected my experience in Japan to start like this. But I know that whatever happens next things will get better.
I simply won't allow more turbulence in my life.

Keeping my head above the water

Rocky road with extra nuts (not the delicious kind)

I haven't been able to write my blog in a while. It feels like since moving to this new city in Japan EVERYTHING has happened. The last few weeks I've had the sensation of living in a fog: not sure what exactly it is that I'm doing or even how I'm feeling.

When I first moved here I was so excited about the new beginning with so many things to look forward to: a job that I was sure will be challenging yet fun, a beautiful small coastal city to live in and all unknown adventures waiting for me. Retrospectively thinking I've had one of the worst starts I never even considered possible.

Forgetting the fact that I actually had a little accident on my first day in my new city after falling off a bike and injuring my left arm I thought things were going to sky rocket towards better things. I am an eternal optimist you see, it's in my nature to genuinely believe things will get better and happier times lay ahead. I was bitterly mistaken this time around. It didn't take longer than a couple of days when I started hearing things from my co-workers: they were apparently getting to know me and like me because they told me they needed to let me know about things that were going on in our work place. I heard about their tribulations with the company we were working for and it all seemed like a slap in the face. My heart sank a bit. What was I in for?

None the less I kept my positive attitude as I was sure if I just continued feeling optimistic about the future it would unfold beautifully. I truly was in good spirits despite all the warnings that my colleagues gave me.

And then things got strange. Shortly after that they got horrible: word reached our company in the form of the police that my colleague had killed herself.
I felt everything around me become a blur. Nothing made sense.

I could go on and on about the shock, self-blame, feeling of absurd surrealness, sorrow and pain... It was all there and after 3 weeks some of it quite obviously still remains.

The aftermath of a suicide is almost unfathomable. All of us at work were in a state of shock and things were made worse when we were told by the management not to tell anyone about what had happened. We were simply told to put on a happy face and fake it. Inside I felt such resentment and anger towards this policy but I was too distraught to fight against it. I was a zombie numbed by the absurdity of the situation and the personal pain I was now told to hide.

It has been a rocky road.

Now enough time has passed that I can look at things that have happened here with more perspective. The pain and the question "why?" still remain and I know they'll never cease to exist - though time will help. I still feel torn about my life here but I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to focus on keeping a positive mind and believing that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Things will work out; I can do this.
Life must not only be lived but most importantly, be enjoyed.


R.I.P. all those dear to us that have departed.

All aboard!

I sit on my reserved seat in a shinkansen, a Japanese bullet train, once again. A week ago I was heading in the opposite direction in more ways than just the physical point of view. A week ago there was beautiful sunshine and my mind was glittering as well, feeling extremely happy, excited about the new road ahead of me. But today I’m leaving behind Kyoto, my first home in Japan and heading towards something new; my massive suitcase filled with junk I’ve bought to make me feel more ready to attack this new change.

It’s raining and that perfectly suits my mood. After pouting by myself the entire morning and feeling nervous about leaving Kyoto, I shed a few tears over someone very dear to me I had to say goodbye to. And I’m a little terrified of moving to somewhere completely new again; my new apartment which I have not yet seen, my students which I have not yet met and the everyday life in a small coastal city I have yet to discover.

But I know myself so well I already know tonight my mood might have changed completely. Right now I might miss the comfort of a person dear to me and feel anxious about jumping to something unknown again – but as a matter of fact I’ve done this all a million times before and I know I’ll be fine. Better than fine, as it usually turns out. Later I will say to myself “what WAS that fuss about!” and laugh out loud at myself.

New beginnings are always a mixed bag, though. In a way I perfectly understand people who choose to stay at their comfort zone and never really challenge themselves: we all enjoy the (false) feelings of safety. When the going gets rough most people want to go home because that’s the ultimate safe place. When I feel under the weather it’s not easy to find that “safety” because as it turns out, I don’t have a home. Which has been completely my own choice for many years now and I still stand behind it. Since I don’t have the safety of a place to call home I’ve had to grown to be my own safety ring. I’ve become more confident in who I am and in the choices I’ve made that if I really have a bad day I can take look in the mirror, weigh my options at my current life situation and remind myself how I got to be there. My safe place is the confidence I have in my choices. And it has really liberated me in a lot of ways.

But alas, for some reason or another life is sometimes terrifying. I often wonder to myself what it is that we people are so afraid of in life? I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m doing something right because every year I grow less and less afraid of living a life filled with new challenges and adventures. I’m pretty sure constant challenges are the key, or as the cliché famous amongst travellers goes, “life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

I very recently watched a BBC documentary about J.K. Rowling and when she talked about her passion to be a writer it really hit home for me. “As soon as I knew that people wrote books (…) I knew that’s what I wanted to do. I can’t ever remember not wanting to be a writer. (…) I can’t honestly understand why you don’t want to be a writer. I can’t understand why the whole world doesn’t want to be a writer. What’s better than it?” Rowling completely describes how I feel about globetrotting. I travel because I think it’s the best thing in the world and nothing else compares. I simply can not fathom that not everyone want to leave their jobs and travel aimlessly!

Alas, these butterflies in my stomach today should turn into jolts of excitement and happy tingling by the end of the week. And THAT is what I travel for!

Shinkansen, a Japanese bullet train

My dawn in the land of the rising sun

I’m sitting in a bullet train en route to Tokyo from Kyoto. It’s an absolutely gorgeous day, first of May; sunny and balmy, I can’t help but smile. But I have butterflies in my stomach for reasons I haven’t fully fathomed yet. The following six days will be a little traveling holiday before I get ready to start my new job as an English teacher in a small city in southern Japan.

I feel nervous yet excited about my new life in Japan that’s about to start for real. I’ve been here two months now and thinking back I was pretty reckless (or just plain silly) to come here without a job waiting for me: there have been very limited options for me work-wise and I ended up not getting a job in Kyoto, which was something that I had really hoped for. And I can honestly say that without having a friend here I would’ve been much worse off. 

I met a Japanese man during my summer holiday in Japan last year and we became good friends. He invited me to come and stay with him in Kyoto when I told him I had completely fallen in love with Japan and I’d decided to return after my previous teaching contract in China ended. Having a friend, a local who has been able to help me with anything and everything has been priceless, honestly. I truly feel I would’ve been lost without his help and guidance – or at least things would’ve been A LOT harder for me on every turn. 

I thank my lucky stars on daily basis for having a safety net here. It has made all the difference for me.

As it comes to my love for Japan it is definitely still rising in scales. After my vacation here last year I was so stoked about this country and told everyone about my decision to just fly here in search for a new beginning. A friend did hand me a warning before I left, saying that though I loved Japan so much during my holiday it would be a completely different thing actually living here long term. I didn’t like hearing that, but I grant now it had a lot of truth in it. When I got back here and wanted to settle down I found out that I can’t for instance get a normal SIM card for my phone as a tourist nor can I rent a house independently. To be able to function “normally” I needed a work visa. The only way to get that was to be employed. 

It was quite hard to realize how everything seemed so strict and there were rules for everything. Some I thought were even ridiculous, like what they call “key money”, which when renting an apartment is pretty much two months’ rent you give (!) to your landlord because of his good will to rent the place to you… Traditions like these are - I hear - starting to change slowly.  Possibly due to the population in Japan getting more “Western”, who knows.

Even if it has been somewhat difficult getting a job here and sometimes local customs irritate me I can’t say that I find any of that off putting at the end of the day. I am still in awe how functional, modern, yet traditional Japan is as a country. I love how people are polite, shy and smiley. I get a positive kick every time a subway station attendant loudly gives thanks to people for buying their tickets, when in public transportation people scooch over and make way to give seats for more people, how there is this air of calm and positiveness. Right now I’m wondering why anyone would ever want to live anywhere else than Japan; the food, the culture, the people, could it just get any better? I think I’m on a Japan-high.

Yes, my love affair with Japan is only starting but I can’t wait to get it on full gear. Here we go!

I even love these cutouts you can find in many places all over Japan!

Forecast for the week: only slight showers of stress, mostly delightful, clear minds

During the first couple of years of my travels I only did tropical, exotic places like South East Asian countries or Australia and so whenever talking back home to friends and family the first question they'd ask was "how's the weather, is it hot?". Replies for my confirmation of good weather were "ooh"s and "aah"s, happy and jealous squeals. For Finnish people weather is very important - possibly because the weather back home is four-seasons-in-a-day sort of phenomena and summer is always too short.
One could say people back at home are somewhat obsessed with the weather and link it to happiness: sunshine equals good, happy life whereas anything else totally sucks and there's no way life could be satisfying.

When I posted pictures of the hot places I visited or lived in I would get an abundance of comments saying how wonderful life must be over there - because naturally life would be worry-free and perfect because the sun was shining and I was in the tropics. But when I moved to New Zealand and experienced my first winter in three years, posting pictures of snow covered nature barely anyone dared to comment on them but I remember one of my friend's comments: "well now I can honestly say I'm not jealous of you". This made me laugh out loud as it struck me so ridiculous. I thought about telling this friend that my life was genuinely so happy in this new country that I had completely forgotten the weather was actually not hot and tropical - yet I was loving it, whoaa!

Fair enough though, I have sometimes shivered in cold weather in a strange country and felt miserable. Those times the lousy, cold weather seemed to emphasize my misery of not having a job, catching a cold or adjusting myself to a different, strange country and culture. If you're not feeling good about yourself then grey skies can definitely make you feel worse. But I have discovered that if you're happy with who you are the weather makes little difference.

We've all seen those pictures on Facebook when someone travels abroad and posts a picture of the hotel (infinity) pool or the local tourist beach, maybe commenting how "life is good" or how they can finally relax and enjoy themselves. And yes, surely it's wonderful to enjoy good weather BUT I can't help but cringe when I think that majority of people have to travel approximately two times a year to a foreign country to lounge in a tourist resort's poolside deck chair surrounded by a hundred other tourists from around the world - also whom all can only feel relaxed there, a thousand kilometers away from their homes and jobs. Does happiness come as a two week holiday to a beach resort?

Personally I have very much knowingly stepped outside the rat race, taking time to just "be" and enjoy this great existence. Perhaps I used to be one of those people who thought that sunny, hot weather meant happiness, but after adapting to a much more free life style I've experienced happiness "outside the weather" if you will. I've spent a rainy, cold autumn in a small city in New Zealand, wrapped up in warm blankets watching TV shows and baking; to be fair on another occasion I took a month to island hop around Fiji with my main objective to acquire a tan. I succeeded in relaxing and enjoying my time, making the best of it, no matter what the weather.

Someone once said "weather is a state of mind". I believe that means when you're happy with who you are and how you live your life then you won't need sunshiny tropics to feel good.

Ps. Right now I live in Japan, it's a spring day and it's raining. And can you imagine it; I feel good.

New beginnings....yet again. Hello, Japan!

Here I go again.

Leaving the seemingly comforting idleness of my parents' house (and my home country) after a short visit was both exciting and terrifying. I felt the same warm rush of energy go through me as I always do when I embark on a new journey. Every time I jump head first to a new adventure there are still butterflies in my stomach although I've been traveling "professionally" for almost six years now. It's a sensation that's both wonderful and scary!

En route to Japan my mind was jumping all over the place. On one hand the experienced world traveler in me was relaxed, confident and had a strong knowledge that things will always work out. On the other hand I was a bundle of nerves, questioning my irrational jump to the unknown - yet again - and my biggest worry was hammering at the back of my head over and over again: what if I won't find a job in Japan after all?

A friend of mine who has also spent many of her years traveling and living abroad once told me that she keeps getting herself into situations that are challenging, nerve-wracking and out of her comfort zone. And that she absolutely loves it! For if not for those sensations of butterflies fluttering inside you, the "putting yourself out there" thrust and then the amazing rush afterwards, what is there to live for? What she said made me think about my life style in a new light. After pondering about things a bit I realized that those extreme sensations were exactly what kept me going, too: the thrill is addictive.

Throughout these years of traveling I've been in many situations that have been out of my comfort zone and those have been the situations that have forced me to grow as a person. Let's be honest: when everything is going smoothly and as planned, there is no thrill nor are you challenged to better yourself in any way. But a lot of "personality nonsense" such as excess vanity, self delusions and pride gets stripped away when you step out of your comfort zone over and over and over again. In a way you could say that stepping outside your comfort zone becomes less uncomfortable.

This time around arriving in Japan wasn't as big a step to the unknown as it could've been as I was lucky to have a friend here, a beacon of comfort that has certainly made me feel like home in a very short time. Unlike other countries before where I have traveled to in search of a new beginning, now I have been lucky to have a person to lean on. It has really made a difference this time and though I definitely still know I've taken a step out of my comfort zone I am completely enjoying the ride that I'm on. How's that for a paradox!

For now I have no idea what's in store for me in Japan - and I'm enjoying the uncertainty.

Sake jars

Homeless?

Traveling is wonderful. You get hooked on it so easily that you feel like you never want to stop or go back home.
We've all heard the phrase "back to reality" and it's usually used by people returning to their homes and "realities" after a holiday. It's an interesting choice of words when you think about it. Wasn't the holiday a reality? Why not? Too good to be true? Why couldn't it continue? Why couldn't THAT be your reality instead of the one you're living now?

This is possibly how I first started to challenge the thought of "reality" and what it was. I had been on a backpacking holiday for almost a year with a good friend and as she needed to return home for work and responsibilities, I was fully aware that I had cut all ties back home in case I didn't want to return. And I didn't.

Throughout my first year or two backpacking I had a revelation. It's almost as if you've opened your eyes to the beauty of life: you realize there's no need to return to the "real" world of routine, boring stability or any of those familiar, mundane things that make the average everyday life. After I experienced this moment of clarity I started seeing the world in a different way. I realized that the world really IS your oyster! Instead of restrictions and limits I started seeing options, dreams, ideas and unlimited possibilities. The world changed for me.

Since those days I've done a whole lot more traveling and living abroad and have been lucky to meet other people who do what I do. We each have our different stories and ways of making it happen, but there are a few people out there who go around the globe, traveling with no apparent cause. Simply because we can.
I could get all poetic here and talk about the beauty of life, how short our time on this globe is and of the importance to stop and smell the roses - and all that is definitely a big part of why I do what I do - but I keep traveling because I know once I've tasted this life of a vagabond existence I couldn't just settle down anymore and be happy. For now, happiness for me comes from the adventures and instability. Being "homeless".

This year has been a great one already: since I finished my year in China and returned to visit my family and friends in Europe I have been happier than in a long time. Though it has been very interesting meeting new people - trying to introduce myself, who I am and what I do - and it has been increasingly difficult for me to answer simple questions that people normally ask each other, such as "what do you do for a living", "where do you live", "do you have hobbies". I'd like to think of myself as a quite witty individual so many times I've given answers like "I'm homeless, actually" or "I change jobs like underwear, at the moment I'm not working, just traveling", or even "my hobbies depend on the country I live in, really". Sometimes people are horrified when I tell them I don't have a permanent address and I even had someone offer me to come stay with them for the night because they were afraid I was literally out on the street!

I've found that many people do not "get" the traveling, rootless way of life. It seems incomprehensible to many that anyone would be wanting to live with such uncertainty and lack of security, homeless. I have been bombarded with gazillion questions and the most popular one always is "how can you afford this life style?". To be honest my way of life is not that expensive. And funnily enough I seem to have more money saved on my bank account than many of my friends who work full time to pay for their mortgages, car loans and debts... To be fair I have no material things to show for my wanderings: all I have is stored within me as memories, wisdom (hopefully) and personal growth.

I might be homeless for I have no place to call my own - nor do I yearn for it.  ...Yet I feel at home in a place filled with friends or even strange, smiling faces. I have been welcomed to different places and homes of others such as if they were my own. In this way I have more homes than anyone could hope for. I feel I have no need for the traditional "home" because I feel homey in so many different places.

Now as a new chapter in my life is about to begin I say farewell to my cozy pit stop "home" in Europe. I'm happy to pack my bags and head out for new adventures. For "wherever I lay my hat, ..."

Bù xiè xiè zhōngguó (No thank you, China)

It finally happened. My time in China finally came to an end! A whole year of novelties, tribulations and all things I never expected! But I made it. I feel no less than a survivor, that is how mentally challenging the year was.

And it has taken time to recover. Leaving China alone was such a hassle it was completely traumatizing and at a point during the journey I actually broke down crying, thinking I would never be able to leave the damn country. Quite typically the outbound journey from my little rural Chinese city towards safe Europe was a big mess. It was the cherry on top of my foul tasting Chinese year.

To quickly give an idea of what my last days were like in China, I'll only mention a few fun facts: my agency hadn't paid me for 2 months of work and I was up to my eyeballs trying to make them pay; I got an intense diarrhea (again); I was thrown a grand birthday party; I got asked to stay for a second year; I spent two weeks and was unable to buy extra luggage from an airline; I had to figure out how to transfer money abroad from China; and last but not least, what was supposed to be an easy 70 minute flight to Beijing turned out to be a horror day of cancelled flights, dirty taxi drivers, Chinglish and misunderstandings, bureaucracy, lies and heaps of stress. In a nutshell: it was a big, emotional week leaving China.

But as I boarded the plane in Beijing heading towards Copenhagen, Denmark, I felt the presence of other Scandinavians and I slowly started to relax. My stomach was a burning furnace, but as language barrier was no longer an issue, my mood (and stomach) was relieved as I was able to get lovely, Western medicine for my condition. Even the Scandinavian air hostess was so lovely I got emotional for not having to deal with cold, rude Chinese people no longer. I wept as the plane took off. The realization that every second was getting me further from the damn country was blissful: I would never have to come back.

When I finally reached home my parents came to pick me up after I had been traveling pretty much non-stop for 48 hours. Home; homeland and my little hometown had never felt sweeter and more welcoming. It was difficult to describe to my family and friends how ecstatic I was simply because there were no people screaming, honking their vehicle horns 24/7, defecating on the street, staring or laughing at my white skin... Chinese culture was finally out of my life! People I encountered now were polite, well behaved, they smelled nice and didn't need to shout to communicate - and best yet, they understood me perfectly without a translator app!

I have tried to figure out whether I was a fool to stay in China for such a long time. I kept thinking to myself at the time that it was bound to get better: surely the worst had passed and I had immersed to the way of life there. But honestly speaking I never did enjoy it completely. Surely I enjoyed certain aspects of my life there: the attention, perks of being white, relatively easy money I made, good food (to be fair I ate my share of horrible things, too) and friends I made.
I can't see myself ever returning to China. Not ever for a holiday. In all honesty: I keep seeing nightmares where I'm still in China and for some reason or another I'm unable to leave. I always wake up stressed out - but feeling so damn lucky I'm actually out of there!

Seeing Chinese people and hearing the odd Mandarin being spoken around me when I'm in big European cities has to this day given me the creeps. I can't help but turn around and stare at these Asians who are polluting the sound waves coming to my ears. I get angry as flashbacks begin to flood in my mind's eye. I obviously still have issues with all things Chinese. Safe to say I won't be planning a holiday back there - ever.

So is there something one could learn from my experience? Myself included?
I think I would still recommend a person who is interested in traveling and new experiences to go to China. Even take up a teaching job! But definitely pay attention to where you are going and ask yourself what it is that you wish to gain from your time in China. Ironically before leaving to China I got asked if I had preferences about the location and I remember saying "oh I don't know anything about China, but I want to experience the real thing so feel free to send me somewhere outside the big cities!". This turned out to be my mistake. The city where I was sent to was just too small. I was not up to the challenge of being the first white person those locals ever laid their eyes upon. The language barrier destroyed my independence - or at least the sense of enjoyment in general.

As a positive I must say the year has made me stronger. I also know better now what it is I want from life and what I will avoid; what are my values, what kind of people I feel connected to; what makes me happy.

I'm happy to build my future on that.

Goodbye China; forever!