I'm over it. The whole horrible memory of my previous job is now just that, a bad memory.
To put behind such an insane, abusive work experience is like recovering from an abusive relationship. I went through such a break up three years ago and it's quite unsettling how many similarities there are between an abusive personal relationship and an abusive working environment.
Both started with a lot of theatrical show-off and promises of how great the future would be. In both cases very soon that sugar coating wore thin, cracking and crumbling and revealing black, disgusting cavities and horrors.
After distancing myself from both these cases, my previous abusive personal relationship and the resent work experience, I have gained perspective and realized how warped both were. Working for my previous company I met people who were faking to be my friends - just as my previous boyfriend pretended to love me in order to control me. But it's quite remarkable how deep inside you your guts know that the attention and care you are receiving are not genuine. I remember going to work after the "honeymoon" was over and thinking to myself how fake and soulless my employers and colleagues were - and how shocking that was to realize after all the theatrics they put on and pretended to care about me. Very much like my previous, private relationship with an abusive boyfriend.
Very soon after realizing my ex-boyfriend was abusive I gathered all my strength and left him. In secret, I ran away from him so he couldn't hurt me. "Funnily" enough that's exactly what I did when I realized my last work situation had become insane and scary. But alas, on both occasions I felt such a surge of power as I reclaimed my independence, freedom and happiness back from an evil tyrant.
And just like after leaving my old abusive relationship behind I felt the same mixture of fear and relief as I moved far away from my previous job. It's difficult to explain to a person who has never been afraid of another person what it feels like to have fear. I know if you have not experienced it, you will not fully understand what goes on. Many people belittled me and my situation after I told them about my previous relationship and the abuse that happened. Their ignorance was hurtful - especially coming from people who were supposed to be my friends. I still struggle to forgive those people their ignorance and careless, cruel words.
That same denial has happened with this previous experience as well when I told some of my friends about my struggles. They brushed it off saying things like "oh you always get into situations like these" or "it's not really like that now is it" and rolling their eyes as if I were some childish drama queen. I spoke about my fears and anxieties and again people had difficulties understanding. I won't lie, it did hurt once again.
Luckily on both occasions I had people who knew what I was going through, who trusted my judgement and instead of patronizing gave me positive support. And I was able to make sensible choices.
Now instead of fake people and black, negative energy pushing me to anxiety I have friends who give me real hugs instead of fake smiles. I wake up feeling happy going to work instead of losing night's sleep worrying about the next day at the office. When I talk to my managers they are supportive, positive and genuine instead of trying desperately to boost their ego by putting me down. I laugh because I'm happy, not because I was told in the weekly meeting that I must appear positive in front of customers.
I feel loved and cared for right now. I couldn't be further away from that gloomy hell. All this is thanks to the people who have been there for me. Before, during and after. Thank you.
I'll end this with befitting lyrics from the Beatles...
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
...
