Selfishness.
Probably most of us have been called
selfish by others one time or another. Personally I’ve been called selfish for
different reasons, such as: I’ve changed my plans to favour a new exciting
fling instead of spending quality time with a family member; I’ve concentrated
on my needs instead of my partner’s; and I’ve even been accused of being
selfish for continuing my vagabond travels instead of “contributing to the
society”. I certainly have sometimes felt ashamed of my actions when I’ve
thought about them and wondered how selfish they really were. But I also think
often I’ve been falsely accused.
I have spent a lot of time throughout my
traveling years wondering the true meaning of selfishness. I’ve come to the
conclusion that there are two kinds of selfishness’. First, there’s the healthy
kind of selfishness that we need as individuals to set boundaries and
concentrate on our well-being without sacrificing ourselves for the sake of
others. This, I reckon, is actually a vital part of balancing our everyday
lives and to live in harmony with others. After all, if you’re not taking care
of yourself, who is? I remember the first rule I learned during my Rescue Diver
training: always make sure rescuing someone doesn’t get you in danger – you
need to look out for yourself first. This rule was based on the idea that if
you are in trouble how can you possibly rescue anyone else. I think that’s an
excellent point that applies to our everyday lives perfectly.
Then secondly, we have the greedy
selfishness, which is quite opposite to the healthy kind which enables us to
live in harmony. The greedy selfishness tells us to put ourselves before
everyone else. It screams “I’m better than the rest of you” and can be also
dangerous. The greedy selfishness is something that I believe is a “built-in”
trait in us people, a residue of the cavemen mentality. It makes sense, as when
we were once savages we had to have extreme survival mode so being greedy and
selfish kept us alive back then. (One could argue that we are still savages,
but that’s a story for another day.)
Unfortunately it seems that we are still
savages when it comes to being greedy. A good friend of mine shocked me a few
years ago as we were traveling in an area suffering from drought and our hostel
asked us to use water sparingly. As she was brushing her teeth while leaving
the tap running I told her to turn it off. We got into a very heated argument
and she refused to turn the tap off. Her words will never leave me, still
echoing in my head when I think of what she said then: “I don’t care if
generations after me don’t have enough water as long as I have enough now”. Not
only did this shock me but I couldn’t believe a well-educated, NICE person
could actually think like this! She has a child now and I am tempted to ask her
how she feels about saving water reserves for next generation(s). Something
tells me her attitude might have changed.
There are a lot more examples of greedy
selfishness all around us, just having a quick look at what is going on in
politics anywhere in the world is a great wake up call. Racism, discrimination,
ignorance and intolerance are all weeds growing from the soil of greedy
selfishness.
So how do we know the difference between
healthy selfishness and the greedy, destructive kind? And why does it even
matter? This all just poppycock, isn’t it?
Without wanting to sound like I wear
flowers in my hair, I genuinely believe that the only way we can be fully
satisfied and happy as individuals is when we embrace the healthy selfishness
and dismiss the greedy, unhealthy kind.
Healthy selfishness will bring us peace and
increase our feelings of self-worth. In short: when you feel good about
yourself, you will most likely feel good about the world surrounding yourself.
As much as healthy selfishness brings us
happiness the greedy selfishness will make us miserable: we will never feel
connected with others or enjoy living as equals because we have a constant
misconception of being better than our fellow man and hence the spiteful,
negative energy will consume most of the positives in our lives.
What exactly is healthy selfishness?
- It’s taking time for yourself. Everyone
needs alone time to charge batteries.
- It’s putting your needs first. Ie. if
you’re short on money, don’t let your friends talk you into going for shopping
spree/a big, expensive night out/a holiday abroad that’ll leave you broke.
- It’s saying “no” and not feeling guilty
about it. There is absolutely no sin in saying “no”. You don’t need to justify
yourself or give any explanations, either.
- It’s following your heart or instincts to
pursue something that’s important to you without letting people try to stop
you. Sometimes everyone else around you seems to know what’s best for you – don’t
try to please others, they are not the ones who have to live with your choices
every day; you are.
- It’s accepting a compliment and also
blowing your own horn when you know you’ve deserved it. In some cultures people
are stingy when it comes to complimenting each other whereas other cultures
blatantly over-do it. Always take a compliment and never criticize yourself
when being complimented.
- It’s being honest. Nothing is more taxing
than having to beat around the bush or to flat out lie. You don’t
have to be rude when giving your honest opinion. It’s incredibly liberating to
tell the truth and not having to stress out about lies big or small will
increase the quality of your life.
And greedy selfishness?
- Only thinking about yourself constantly
and disregarding other people’s needs.
- Disrespecting or mistreating others.
- Boosting your ego or personal status in
other’s expense; putting other people down, belittling others.
- Lying to get yourself out of trouble, to
create selfish opportunities, to improve your social status by appearing “better”
(smarter, more successful, “cooler”, etc.) or to climb a career ladder.
- Putting yourself on a pedestal, thinking
you are better than others.
- Acting to benefit yourself at the expense
of others.
- Often triggers negative emotions and easily leads to intolerance, annoyance, anger, even hatred.
So how to start embracing healthy
selfishness? I claim to be no expert but this is what works for me:
1. Ask yourself what makes you most happy
in life. It might be your family, career, a hobby or another passion. Be honest
to yourself!
2. Make those happiest things your
priorities in life – this means spend most of your time with what makes you
happy.
3.
Acknowledge things that bring negativity or stress in your life. It
could be a person/people in your life, working conditions, etc. Again, be
honest to yourself though it will be challenging.
4. Discard the negatives in your life. If
you have people in your life that bring you negativity or consume your good
energy, let them go. Change your job, your living arrangements, whatever it is
that needs changing. It might be “inconvenient” or you might even think it’s
impossible (it’s not) - but it IS healthy selfishness and will pay itself back
with interest.
5. Embrace healthy selfishness and when you
observe yourself being greedy selfish, stop and contemplate.
6. Repeat 1 – 5 regularly.
Leading a healthy selfish life has dramatically improved the quality of my existence. My greedy selfishness has decreased considerably and as a result I'd like to think I'm a better person. The trick for me was to realize that being selfish isn't always bad - but in fact it's a necessity.
Lastly, my favourite quote from the long
gone TV-show Ally McBeal.
“- Ally,
what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else’s?
- They’re mine.”
