Change Is Near

Dedicated to Mark. Anything is possible.

So you want to tackle life by starting anew? Great! Courage, it will all be OK even if it might seem crazily uncertain now.

Whatever reason people have for making dramatic changes in their lives it is never easy. It is not impossible either, but sometimes we kind of expect it to be just all smooth sailing because we have a vision of what we want. It is not going to effortless: it will require hard work and perseverance. But you will make it - just believe in yourself and keep going.

Everyone has their own story but let me tell you how it happened to me. Some eight years ago I was home on a Sunday afternoon, in the country where I was born and in the same city I had lived for a decade - where all my friends were, where I went to university, got my first “real job” and was “building a career” - or whatever that means.

I have since then lost faith in the traditional way of life and think it's all a big hoax, a brainwashing scheme. We all have this one life: let's not waste it.

I do not mind telling you I had a horrible hangover that Sunday. The previous night I had been out with my friends, just like countless times before, week after week, year after year. At that stage I was unemployed. The economy in Europe was not exactly blossoming and though I had chosen to leave my job six months earlier it did not make my life any easier: I was depressed as nothing I did seemed to result in anything I was very excited about. The days, weeks and years seemed to resemble each other too much. I did not feel inspired. I had a faint idea somewhere in the back of my head - though I did not know how to put it into words - that I truly wanted to be inspired, shaken, to be thrown into adventures, weird situations with unusual people.

How amazing it is to look back now with all I know and all my experiences so far to that narrow-minded person I was, only seeing inside the box and completely unaware of the possibilities and opportunities the world held!

And it was a simple message from a good friend (who also had a horrible hangover that very day) saying: “This country is so mundane. How about we get a working holiday visa and go to Australia for a year?”. Nothing before had ever made as much sense as those few words on my PC screen. This was that something that I had been waiting for: an inspiration. From that very second onwards I simply KNEW with 100% certainty that leaving somewhere new, exotic, strange, was the thing I craved for. Something I simply had to do. I had no choice.

What an intoxicating moment that was, even looking back to it now years later. It was my gut feeling telling me to do something no matter how scary. I had no clue what it was that I was getting into - and probably best so. I have since then started listening to my gut feeling more and more: it is never wrong.

Very soon after this realization I took a whatever job which was way below my skills and definitely did not match my fancy university degree but I knew it was income and something that would fund my way out of here to a life that was awaiting. I actually took on two part-time jobs as well and obviously got overwhelmed very fast. But I was greedy to make money for I saw that as a something necessary for my unknown future.

Now I know that huge savings are not everything - as long as I always have enough money to buy a ticket home to my family I know I’ll be safe. Anything more than that is just a great perk. Money is a necessity but we often value it too much: we do not need as much of it as we seem to think. Also money gives no guarantees of anything.

When the day came to finally get on the plane I had sold or given away all my belongings: all I had left were a few boxes at my parents’ basement. I had a huge backpack and a one-way ticket to Australia. I was so scared I felt paralyzed. I remember standing there at the airport thinking if I was making a huge mistake - could I still call this off, get my old apartment and that crummy, whatever job back if I just said this was a silly idea?

Fear will be present at times, especially in the beginning of your great life change. We fear things that we can not understand and an unknown future is something we can not even imagine so how could we understand it! But. Let me remind you of a liberating fact of life: nothing in life is certain.

Let me repeat that. NOTHING in life is certain. There are NO guarantees. Even if you stay home, or wherever it is right now that makes you feel safe and sheltered, you are not “safe” from life.

For the only thing certain in life is change. Us people are insane animals and we fight to slow or stop that change without realizing it is unnatural. Change, ever-changing life in all its multitude is the only certain thing around us and in our own lives. I am sorry to tell you this, but you are not now, never have been nor never will be safe. Life can have its way with us no matter what kind of walls or shelters we thought we built to protect ourselves.

But do not let this depress you: on contrary, let it liberate you. For what is there to fear in a world where we all are equally floating around in uncertainty?

Do not worry about “failing” because there is no such thing as failing. How could there be if you follow your heart and do what makes you happy. Think big. Think outside the box. Do not let pride or fear stop you from reaching out. More you do more you realize is possible.

And truly anything is possible.

What Friends Are For

I think everyone can agree that having friends is a fantastic thing. Friends make you smile. Help you get through a bad day. Or a bad year. Friends make life seem so much more meaningful than if you just walked through all of this craziness on your own. And someone who knows you, understands you, gets you, is worth their weight in gold.

Of course there are different kinds of friendships. A friend could be that guy at your work who you have nice little conversations with every now and again - or that girl you keep bumping into at the gym who talks to you when you are waiting for your bodypump class to start and who you are on a first-name basis with. 

The ultimate friend is the one who has seen you at your worst and still sticks by you even after finding out your horrifying flaws and knowing those dark secrets you wish to hide from the rest of the world.

No matter how deep the relationship, it is always good to have a friend.

For people who travel "as a living" it is sometimes difficult to make friends. In my seven years of traveling and living in different countries, continents and cultures  I have become more accustomed to being by myself. Not because I am not outgoing or sociable, but many times it is simply difficult to find people you can relax or feel at ease with. To have someone understand you, appreciate you and vice versa is something I do not take for granted anymore.

I have lived in Japan for 15 months now and I have been reminded of many important lessons concerning friendships already. Life in Japan is special because here I have faced new challenges due to cultural differences which I have not faced prior while living in other countries. At very first I found Japanese people to be ultimately friendly and welcoming - but soon realized majority of people are just being very, very polite for the sake of it being an important part of their culture.
I have been proven time after time that extreme politeness does not include a welcoming parade straight into anyone's circle of friends nor does it mean that people would be willing to open up to a complete stranger - even though they might make you feel very welcomed and you might confuse that politeness as a sign of "let's be friends".

To be honest often times the Japanese social rules and habits confuse the living bejesus out of me. I am never quite sure how to behave when I wish to display friendliness in the correct way. There are cultural barriers between foreigners and Japanese people which are difficult to navigate through. None the less it is all a learning experience and man oh man have I been reminded of important life lessons when it comes to friendships..

After a colleague who I was becoming good friends with committed suicide a year ago I was reminded how every moment really does make a difference. Had I known what dark thoughts my colleague was struggling with, I would have taken her hand and tried to guide her from darkness to light. I will always regret not being able to do that. We all make a huge impact on other peoples lives - we should not take that responsibility lightly.

Japanese relationships have often given me headaches. For months I worked with a person who claimed to be a friend of mine but on retrospective I now realize she merely needed my presence and hence was pretending to be a friend. It was painful to admit to myself that a real friend is not someone who in reality communicates with you only out of need, the bare minimum. A friend is someone who opens up to you and allows you to do the same without making you feel like a nuisance. A friend smiles to you and with you. Lesson learned.

And how wonderful it is to find friends where you never thought you might! Friendship does not discriminate but it overlooks age, sex(ual orientation), religion and other factors that people think "connects" them to others. I have been so blessed to make unlikely friends: people I do not necessarily have much in common with but with whome I feel very comfortable and enjoy spending my limited, precious time with.

Unfortunately part of life is accepting that friends come and go. And sometimes we do something stupid and lose a friend. This particularly has been my ultimate lesson this year. I lost a friend because I was petty and stubborn. I thought the world of her, appreciated her friendship and many times thought I would have been lost without her. But despite my love for her and the importance of our friendship I allowed myself to act in a way that destroyed the essence of any relationship. Trust.

Like someone who's drowning and desperate I made an attempt for a rescue but realized how it was too late for that. Our ship was sinking. And words you say you can never take back. Not all friendships survive complete honesty. (But if they do not, were they ever real friendships in the first place?)

Friends are important. They listen to your stupid jokes. They make you smile when you did not think it possible. They make an inappropriate joke about you when you are being too stuck up and serious. They will provide you with a spoon to gobble down a bucket of ice cream when your heart is aching but take the spoon away before you make yourself sick. And they do not get offended when you tell them off for taking away that spoon. They understand you will come around.
Friends are irreplaceable even if sometimes you feel like you might survive without them.

Thank you, friends. We would be nowhere without you!

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=118570&picture=proverb-a-friend-in-need

On Becoming A Hermit

Do you know how it feels to appreciate your own company more than that of others? How much you can yearn for a social event to be over so you can smile, say goodbye and leave, finally being alone with your thoughts, relieved to spend precious time alone.
As human beings we are social animals and to a certain extent we all need interaction with other humans. But in addition to that spending time with fellow human beings can become a strain instead of a pleasure, as it should be.

I have globetrotted more or less by myself, independently, for several years now and sometimes people I encounter are worried that I'm lonely. I get dubious looks when I exclaim that I love traveling alone. People don't seem to be quite convinced anyone would actually enjoy such solitude. The beauty of solo traveling is that you get to socialize more when you are not tied to any one individual - it easily transforms you to a social butterfly.

A single traveler is never truly alone unless they want to be. I have found some fantastic people when I've traveled alone around the world - those encounters probably wouldn't have happened had I been with someone at the time.

For a long time, for nearly 11 months, I traveled with a close friend when I first started out on this journey that I'm still on. We were extremely before close before starting our trip but the 24/7 mode and the intensity it created nearly destroyed our friendship. Eating, sleeping, sharing anything and everything with another person will fast become an absolute trial for the relationship, no matter how strong it is. After I realized what a strain it was to travel with someone you loved - but whom you also started to hate in ways indescribable - I went from one extreme to another and adapted single travel, where I could decide everything for myself with no need for compromises. I genuinely think that my friendship was nearly destroyed with a very dear friend because of the insane pressure of constant presence. I was happy, relieved to my core, when our ways naturally departed and our friendship remained.

This incident was definitely the first step for me in preferring solitude and isolation to companionship. Before this I used to be drawn to big, loud crowds with lots going on. I enjoyed being the loudest person in the midst of mayhem, the centre of attention. In what seems like a short time I have become quite selective of the company I choose to keep. I find I no longer have time for people I don't feel I click, connect with. Nowadays I will choose to keep my own company more often than not.

And indeed, being alone does not equal being lonely. The meaning of this was emphasized when I lived in China and for the first time ever in my life I found that I had very limited options to socialize. Due to the small number of foreigners living in my rural city it was difficult to find people whose company I genuinely enjoyed. Luckily though I did connect with a handful of people who still remain close to me. But other than that my social circles were tiny. My Chinese colleagues possibly felt a need to invite me to social gatherings - unfortunately I found little comfort in these situations.
Besides our cultural differences and the locals viewing me as a mere white, token foreigner, the conversation was never what I felt I needed. The language barrier obviously didn't help. I was also genuinely surprised how narrow-minded and superficial I found the people I worked with. After a while I started declining invitations to social events from my Chinese colleagues. I know they tried but I was frankly left more miserable by those gatherings than if I had stayed at home alone all day.

During that year in China I truly embraced my inner hermit. The novelty of truly finding company in myself to that extent was intoxicating. I focused on myself, my passions, more than ever. I was alone most of the time but by no means was I lonely.
If I ever felt lonely in China during that year was when I was the only foreigner in a group of Chinese people, being invited to a party or another, where no one would talk with me and I was left to my own devices. Did the rest of the company really think I would enjoy being a part of a herd in such circumstances?
Regardless to say I didn't feel like I missed out on much when I decided to turn down further invitations.

The experience in China has escalated my preferences even further: I mostly prefer my own company anymore. I do enjoy social gatherings but I rather invest in quality than quantity. I find I get irritated if I don't have enough personal time and am "forced" to be around people for too long.
It's a stark contrast to the person who I used to be, the one who couldn't get enough of the company of others, almost afraid to be alone.

None the less I find becoming a bit of a hermit has improved my self-knowledge and deepened my self-awareness in many positive ways.*

Hermits of the world, unite!


*I have written this in my bed, wearing my PJs for the entire day and having made no social plans whatsoever for the day. Luxury.

Waves of change

You are so beautiful

                                   beyond description.

That’s what you told me

before you whispered you loved me.

You held my heart

                                 but only used it to build yourself up.

From all-consuming passion

                                                to nothingness in a blink of an eye.

To act as if I’m yours

                                     when you gave me little more than a promise of yourself.

Mere shells of affection

                                        skeletons of feelings.

I’m cutting your tentacles from around me.

                                                                      Your rip current won’t suck me in anymore.

Growing roots

I'm settling in. I lounge in my bed and enjoy the comfort of my own home. For me, my own private sanctuary. I've earned this luxury. In a way I feel like I've lived in this apartment for longer than the month that has actually passed by since I moved in. It took long to get where I am, feeling content and secure.

Last year was a really special one for me for so many reasons. I've always been a person who has a lot going on - one might even say my life has been a big roller coaster ride since I moved out to live independently at the age of 18. The list of life-changing events since then is a long one and last year definitely added some novelties to it.
Luckily I am mature enough now to accept the fact that life is a series of both good things and bad. Nothing ever is - nor will it ever be - perfect.

I had high hopes when entering Japan 11 months ago. I thought I knew where I was coming to as this is the first country that I have ever moved to which I had already visited prior to moving. Well, my image of the flawless wonderland has since deteriorated as I've seen this country from the inside and realized that it has its downfalls. None the less I am still in love with Japan: it is a beautiful country with fascinating history and customs that are still very much part of the modern life. I find the people polite and warm though introverted and the customs intriguing yet stubbornly old-fashioned at times.

Yes, for me there is no other country quite like Japan and as I've only spent so little time here I have much more to explore. I am happy to be here and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else - no matter it's still winter and I wear thermals to bed every night.

In many ways I miss my traveling days: globetrotting around the world and every day being an adventure of a new culture, people and events unfolding.
But it does grow tiresome, traveling from one destination to another with your bag of material possessions in tow. After a while you dream of a semi-permanent "something" and the yearning of stopping for a while kicks in. That's what happened to me. I sought to settle down and Japan was THE place where I wanted to do it in.
A year in and I have barely managed to establish myself here in my new surroundings - how ironic that it took such a long time to find my bearings! But alas, it is done. I am happy. I have a job I enjoy, work for and with people who give out positive vibes, have a great network of friends I trust - and to top it off I live in a place I love.

I'm ready to grow roots.

Resolutions

I close the door of my brand new apartment: I have just moved in and yet another new beginning has hence started in my life.

Memories flood my mind about the last time I moved into a new apartment here in Japan, trying to make a home for myself. I was full of excitement at the idea of starting a new job in which I thought was quite a promising company. The painful memories surface of people who were supposed to be there to guide me and support me but turned out to be two-faced liars with their own, hidden agendas. I felt so alone and deserted. Looking back to last summer offers only painful memories. On hind sight, after a few months, I genuinely wonder how I made it through everything. Last year was such a challenge that I am afraid to admit my mental health was at stake. Good riddance, poisonous K&F English Academy. 

But that's in the past now. I look forward to this new beginning without holding on to grudges.

As the year was about to turn I got asked a lot about resolutions for the new year. I’m afraid I might have come across a bit harsh or even rude to the people inquiring about my new year's resolutions. The fact is I think they’re utter rubbish. For me it’s simply a senseless tradition our culture holds: we make promises to ourselves just for the sake of making them. Everyone knows they hold no real meaning: the first couple of weeks of January the gyms are full of people exercising, others stock up on nicotine pads or gum to give up smoking, some might start a new, “more meaningful” hobby such as playing an instrument or learning a new language perhaps. By the end of January a whopping majority of these “promises” have been broken. I do not understand the façade of this circus. What’s the point? Are people so sadistic and self-loathing that year after year we enjoy making empty promises to the most important person in our lives, ourselves, and then give up on them for one reason or another leaving us feeling disappointed and useless?

I resent the message new year resolutions send out: that there is only one time of the year to make resolutions, promises or change your life for the better. Why don’t we acknowledge the resolutions and changes we strive for during the year? Or better yet: why don't we strive for resolutions and changes during our everyday lives? Life is what happens throughout the year, the pinnacle of our annual existence surely is not the new year.

My promise to myself, my personal resolution is each and every day to be(come) a better person: more patient, understanding, loving and giving. We don’t need a special occasion to change our lives. Now is the best time, the only time. And it’s important to remember that you will sometimes falter, no matter how motivated. Of course sometimes I fail. I am not always the very best I can be, I have off days and phases when I am utterly selfish or moody. It’s OK, I forgive myself. I try again the next day. I won’t give up, throw in the towel nor declare to myself that oh well, since I failed today at being a good person I’ll just continue to be a selfish turd from now on. One has to be understanding and patient with oneself, too.

Coming home to Japan from my holiday in the Philippines a few days ago has left me exhausted but happy. Though my holiday was stressful I the more I yearned to come back home. I am genuinely overjoyed, bursting with the wonderful feeling of being loved. I have such lovely people in my life here who truly care for me and vice versa. It has been amazing returning home and to be reminded how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by warm-hearted, good people. It’s easy to let go of bad memories when you are reminded of the good in life.

I try putting my appreciation into words but fear I never will be able to find the sufficient words to describe how grateful I am right now. So I have had this resolution for a while that I’m really striving to hold on to: to show people how much they mean to me. When people make you happy, don’t hesitate to let them know they do. I have found these past months that returning the joy, happiness and love is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

Here's to a better new year and great resolutions!

Holiday horror

Two weeks in the Philippines and I'm sitting at Cebu-Mactan Airport waiting for my flight to Manila. Wishing so hard that by some magic this coming flight would change its destination and I could fly back home to Hiroshima.

It's not that something extraordinarily horrible happened during this holiday but I simply think it was not the right time and place for me to come here. I thought I would enjoy a beach holiday in South East Asia, but I forgot how stressful all the chaos, hassle and constant money grumbling here is. I am exhausted. I have no more strength to haggle prices on every turn: the shops, markets, tricycles and taxis... The scammers and hagglers have sucked the joy out of me. I simply wanted to go on a holiday and relax but instead I've found myself in constant turmoil.

I am not saying the Philippines is to blame. It is a country of beautiful islands and beaches where many local people are happy and sweet, totally hospitable. Unfortunately this was the wrong venue for me. If I could turn back time now I would book a luxurious resort and stay in one location to remove the stress of transport and constant haggling.

For the life of me I can't shake the repulsion when being scammed everywhere I go here. I know this is South East Asia and you have to roll with it - the unorganized dirty chaos sprinkled with money grabbing scammers lurking around every corner. And honestly I thought I could easily deal with as I have spent many months traveling across SE Asian countries before! Alas, I was mistaken. Perhaps I have grown to like the easier things in life as the backpacker style doesn't hold any appeal to me anymore.

Ironically Manila treated me well, and that was all thanks to some amazing friends that I have there. They showed me such hospitality and made my time in that big, dirty city so wonderful that the islands simply had a hard time impressing me.
On one hand I hate criticizing my time in the Philippines because I know nobody wants to hear negative things about their country - but I have to be honest and I have a need to vent. It's nothing personal, after all.

I can't remember the last time I was happy to go home from a holiday that I wished ever so badly for the holiday to be over. Of course it has not been all bad, not at all! It has been many small things good and bad, some big things wonderful and horrible, and it all boils down to the fact that I am sick and tired of being on full alert all the time to avoid trouble. Traveling as a young, white female I now realize that I have been subjected to even more hassle than I was prepared for. People think I'm an easy target. But I have fought back as I refuse to let people take advantage of me.

At this stage of my life, after traveling so many years to so many countries I would like to say that nothing gets to me - but it's not true. My heart sinks every time I notice a local trying to scam me. It feels like a slap in the face when people try to use you. And again, I knew this would be what would happen in SE Asia and I genuinely thought I could brush it off.

This is the first holiday ever where I was afraid a taxi driver would actually kidnap me or hold me against my will, where I witnessed hostel staff leave dirty sheets on beds for new guests to arrive or where I went to a buffet restaurant where all the food was cold or uncooked to a health hazard leaving me no choice other than to walk away.

And perhaps it is because I had such high expectations of this holiday that it's gone so wrong. I worked SO hard last year and overcame some real-life nightmares that if there ever was a time in my life that I deserved and needed a holiday it was this one. Ironically I have not been relaxing that much but spent my time stressing.

I am sure there is a lesson to be learnt here. I am not yet sure what it is but I know going home has never felt so good. Time for reflection shall surely follow once I am safely back. And however stressful this holiday has been I know it will make my return back to Japan ever so sweeter. I miss the organized, clean, polite, rule-operated nation with it's shy and polite people.
I love you, Japan, I'm coming home soon!

This growing older thing ain't half bad after all

I recently turned 35. (I secretly wished I could be 25 again.)

As a person in their mid-thirties who has plentiful life experience behind them I consider myself mature enough to be over the most obvious symptoms of juvenile immaturity.
Don't get me wrong, I have no illusions about being an "adult" who has it all together - whatever that means. I have my  moments of insecurity, doubts and tantrums.

I think most people remain young at heart even after not considered young young any longer. We grow older and wiser in time and through experiences but it's natural to have some of those irritating juvenile hang-ups still lurking around.

As I celebrated my birthday a while back I got a bit depressed realizing that the older you get the faster time flies and I felt like by this age I should be more wholesome and less jaded. I thought about myself in my 20's a lot. I soon found comfort as I was reminded that I have actually grown more mature and am more in harmony with myself than I perhaps gave myself credit for.

This extra perspective was gained as I was recently heavily exposed to spending time professionally and personally with a person who was young but also very immature for their age. In certain ways the rough exterior, sense of drama and exhibitionism reminded me of who I used to be when I was quite young and immature myself. I was touched by the tragically sensitive bi-polarity of this person as well as it so strongly reminded me of myself battling with extreme happy, elated state of mind and the deepest pitch of darkness so many years ago. In a way I saw my younger self in my new colleague/friend.

But I quickly changed my mind. I no longer could sympathize with someone who was rude and egocentric the way only a young thing with insecurities can be. It was exhausting working with someone who got personally offended every time they received critical feedback and who threw a million excuses at you when being told how to behave at a work place. I tried to be understanding and assured myself that surely I had been just as dramatic and stubborn when I was that young. In the end I gave up trying to motivate or guide to a new level of understanding.

During personal time I was exhausted to have the same person constantly entering my private space with painful efforts that shouted "notice me! Pay attention! Now! ...please?". It was almost endearing to observe the constant battle of huge insecurities and cocky attitude in one single embodiment. How cruel is life to give young people beauty and energy only to torment them with self-doubt and pettiness.
Youth truly is wasted on the young.

My experience with this particular person was really eye-opening and truly gave me perspective. I realized the importance of experience and hence the inevitableness of age. All the things that I have lived through, the tears of joy, shivers of terror and cries of both pleasure and pain have played an important role in growing to be this person who is not afraid to look herself in the mirror and accept who she is. This growth has taken time which has not been in vain.

When I was younger I was terrified of my flaws and like so many I lied to myself, avoiding the painful realizations. But the truth shall set you free. As I decided that my life was in the point that something big needed to change in it I was finally brave enough to be completely honest with myself.
I cringe when I see new lines on my face or realize that my body is changing, my levels of energy are not what they used to be...BUT I still prefer to be here and now, having both sympathy and healthy criticism towards myself.

Years passed have offered me ample opportunities to better myself. I have taken many of them, certainly not all.

We are all individuals and mature in different ways, methods and there is never a schedule for these things. As long as we move forward, learn and gain perspective then isn't the total sum of adding X amount of years to Y amount of life experiences greater than equal?

From fake smiles to real hugs

The nightmares have stopped.

I'm over it. The whole horrible memory of my previous job is now just that, a bad memory.

To put behind such an insane, abusive work experience is like recovering from an abusive relationship. I went through such a break up three years ago and it's quite unsettling how many similarities there are between an abusive personal relationship and an abusive working environment.

Both started with a lot of theatrical show-off and promises of how great the future would be. In both cases very soon that sugar coating wore thin, cracking and crumbling and revealing black, disgusting cavities and horrors.

After distancing myself from both these cases, my previous abusive personal relationship and the resent work experience, I have gained perspective and realized how warped both were. Working for my previous company I met people who were faking to be my friends - just as my previous boyfriend pretended to love me in order to control me. But it's quite remarkable how deep inside you your guts know that the attention and care you are receiving are not genuine. I remember going to work after the "honeymoon" was over and thinking to myself how fake and soulless my employers and colleagues were - and how shocking that was to realize after all the theatrics they put on and pretended to care about me. Very much like my previous, private relationship with an abusive boyfriend.

Very soon after realizing my ex-boyfriend was abusive I gathered all my strength and left him. In secret, I ran away from him so he couldn't hurt me. "Funnily" enough that's exactly what I did when I realized my last work situation had become insane and scary. But alas, on both occasions I felt such a surge of power as I reclaimed my independence, freedom and happiness back from an evil tyrant.

And just like after leaving my old abusive relationship behind I felt the same mixture of fear and relief as I moved far away from my previous job. It's difficult to explain to a person who has never been afraid of another person what it feels like to have fear. I know if you have not experienced it, you will not fully understand what goes on. Many people belittled me and my situation after I told them about my previous relationship and the abuse that happened. Their ignorance was hurtful - especially coming from people who were supposed to be my friends. I still struggle to forgive those people their ignorance and careless, cruel words.

That same denial has happened with this previous experience as well when I told some of my friends about my struggles. They brushed it off saying things like "oh you always get into situations like these" or "it's not really like that now is it" and rolling their eyes as if I were some childish drama queen. I spoke about my fears and anxieties and again people had difficulties understanding. I won't lie, it did hurt once again.
Luckily on both occasions I had people who knew what I was going through, who trusted my judgement and instead of patronizing gave me positive support. And I was able to make sensible choices.

Now instead of fake people and black, negative energy pushing me to anxiety I have friends who give me real hugs instead of fake smiles. I wake up feeling happy going to work instead of losing night's sleep worrying about the next day at the office. When I talk to my managers they are supportive, positive and genuine instead of trying desperately to boost their ego by putting me down. I laugh because I'm happy, not because I was told in the weekly meeting that I must appear positive in front of customers.

I feel loved and cared for right now. I couldn't be further away from that gloomy hell. All this is thanks to the people who have been there for me. Before, during and after. Thank you.

I'll end this with befitting lyrics from the Beatles...

What would you think if I sang out of tune

Would you stand up and walk out on me

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

And I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends

...

Run for the hills

I've done it again.

I have persevered a straining phase in my life, taken the negative and turned it around to create a positive.

In short, I have left my first job in Japan. More accurately: I have escaped.

OK, so many people quit their jobs, why would this be anything special or even remotely interesting? Well, there is nothing average about my story.

This particular job was extraordinarily challenging from the beginning - after five days of starting in the company my colleague killed herself. It opened a terrifying Pandora's box and the aftermath that has lasted for 5 months since then has been nothing short of insane.

When starting in a new work environment a person usually has a positive outlook towards the future and some small bumps along the road are normal. What I experienced were not bumps but grand mountains, gorges and pits of furnace. At times it felt like living hell.

I was told during my first week at work not to tell any of my students or other people about the suicide that had affected the entire staff - the exception being the owner, who treated the incident as a mere annoyance to his profitable business. I was told to discreetly retreat to the staff room in case an uncontrollable sensation of sadness and tears got a hold of me during class. I was instructed not to cry in front of our clients because it would reveal that something had happened. At the time I was in such a dark mental state that I could not even comprehend the wrong that was being done there.

So there were lies. Big, massive, morally and ethically WRONG ones. At this stage I had very little respect left for the management but when the word got out and too many people knew the truth the company decided to hold a public briefing for the clients. Instead of honoring the memory of a person who had worked for the company for a year it was a sterile gathering where the owner only gave enough information to wash his own hands from the (literal) blood. The event left me even more shaken and traumatized that I had been before. It was difficult to understand how the owner had no respect for a person he had worked with side by side for such a long time - there were no tears, no remorse. He even declined to go identify the body because he was "too busy with work" and simply could not take the time to travel for such a reason.

After that I was in a haze. Looking back at it I realize now I was in a state of confusion and only functioning on automation. Making through the days was all I was capable. There was no enjoyment in my life.

But it got worse. Initially I was warned by my colleague who took her own life that the owner is a micromanaging tyrant who treats employees like slaves and turns the daily working routine into fits of terror. Unfortunately this was no exaggeration. I was being bullied by the owner - he tried desperately to mold me into an employee that would obey all his orders and whims. I was being told that I was not up to the challenge of working in a language school and that my classes were below standard. We disagreed on fundamental things such as teaching methods.

I will never forget one particular conversation where the owner told me that I have "a chip on my shoulder" as I refused to agree that his teaching method of pushing young students to the extreme were not effective. I knew he didn't like a personality such as I am: straightforward, no tolerance for nonsense, strong and independent. He wasn't able to enslave me and that was making him very angry. I felt physically intimidated though I don't consider myself easily shaken.
During that meeting I made a comment about how the brain is capable of learning new material and he stopped me mid-sentence, slamming his fist on the table and yelled "I know about the brain, Jenni!". I was speechless. It was such a surreal situation I only imagined could take place in a crazy comedy. But this was reality. It was my reality. I went home feeling desperate.

I realized it wouldn't get any better. My working life was like a prison sentence. I had signed an 18 month contract and I felt trapped after a month. I was desperate. What could I do?

Bad situations have a habit of escalating... So naturally I had nightmares regularly about work related issues and I felt like a zombie at work, just slaving away trying not to rock the boat. I was being told to "fake it 'til you make it", "give the students the impression that you care" and an abundance of other "advice" that reinforced the feeling that this particular company was the complete opposite representation of my personal values. I could not continue working for these people, selling my soul each day.

There were many things that happened towards the end as I was contemplating on my exit strategy. Or I should say many things that were revealed to me by those who had been working for the company previously - the information I received gave me little choice. So I chose the only viable way: to leave secretly. To run away. Abandoning the company and also my apartment that was rented via my employer sadly looked as the only real option. For an honest person this was a tough choice. But knowing how I would be treated if I handed in my resignation I really saw no other way. It had to be done.

So I packed my bags and one beautiful morning left my apartment. I felt giddy, nervous, free! I was running away and it was amazing!

For someone who has for months on end endured aggressive working conditions, childish behavior from the management and felt fear as well as stress continuously at the work place I can now assure you that I feel uplifted. It has been a week since I escaped and the nightmares are slowly dying. The realization that I don't have to go back to a mad house anymore is sinking in.

I am happy now.


PS. I know the company's management reads this personal blog of mine regularly so I do wish this is giving you an insight on how to treat future employees.

ASS-U-ME

I heard someone say once that "assumptions make an ass out of you and me" and at the time I thought it was hilarious as well as spot-on. 

Assumptions can be silly, annoying and from time to time flat out ridiculous - insulting even - yet we all assume many things throughout our days and it seems down right impossible to go on in life without assumptions. I do think some assumptions are necessary, ie. the sun will probably rise tomorrow and the world won't come to an end. Quite vital, right!

But it's the assumptions we make about other people that we should be wary of. Usually we draw conclusions based on how other people look - how they dress, do their hair, their physique - or what they do for a living or where and how they live. You might be thinking "so...what's wrong with that?". Well, let me ask you a question: have you ever had people make assumptions of who you are - possibly right after meeting you? Are those assumptions usually accurate or not? How do you feel when someone thinks they got you figured out just by assessing you by your appearances, nationality, sex, race or religion?

Due to having been a foreigner living in many different countries there are always some sort of light assumptions being made about me. For instance in China and now in Japan the locals are very surprised that I master eating with chopsticks as they assume Westerners can't use them. In Australia people were dubious that I enjoyed the hot, extreme weather in the outback as they assumed I had never experienced anything like it. In New Zealand the Kiwis were shocked whenever I complained about the cold, unheated houses because they assumed I was accustomed to crappy insulation. And the Irish were confused that I didn't sound like a Finnish person but thought I was Australian.

So what's the problem with assumptions? Quite frankly I personaly hate it when I meet people and they ask me a) where I'm from and b) what I do after which they then pretend to have me figured out. Many assume that I'm only in that current country for a fixed time and will then return home to my "normal" life. When I tell them how long I've been traveling and that I generally don't have a "plan" other than to keep on traveling people always seem confused. Now they don't have me figured out anymore and it's scary. I know I'm not alone with this as I have vagabond friends who have had same experiences with many people around the globe.

I faced a very similar situation with assumptions when I was younger and still living in my home country. I was a rather loud, outgoing personality - people called me "life of the party" and I was very pretty, which made me quite popular. Now, I will try not to sound too obnoxious when I say this, but I've always been a deep thinker underneath my crazy exterior. From a young age I've pondered about ethics, philosophical questions, psychology and I was an avid reader who could get lost in books for days. (And I still am.) Additionally many difficult, even traumatic things happened to me when I was younger that forced me to grow and become a strong, independent person quite quickly. But because of my funny, care-free exterior not many people seemed to venture beneath that layer. Many friends were surprised to find out that I was not only a fun party girl but also a serious ponderer. They had labelled me so vehemently to this one certain box that I can only assume (!) they were so confused about this U-turn that they did not want to let me out of this box labelled "fun and crazy". It would've been too difficult to "redefine" a person they thought they had known for years.

A good friend of mine from those younger years confessed to me only a while back that she and many of my friends were worried when I started my travels because they weren't sure if I would actually make it out there in the great big world! I was flabbergasted to hear this. Some of my closest friends had made such huge assumptions of me - that were so inaccurate - that it felt like they didn't even know me!

I'm not sure how my friends - or other people for that matter - categorize me now. I'm sure they do put me in a nice, convenient box with a label to match and it makes me sad. 

In reality none of us are just one thing or another: we are mosaics of many different things and deserve to be viewed that way!

To give an example, think of your parents. Many of us see our mothers and fathers as "only" our parents. They are the people we know but don't usually spend too much time thinking about what else they are - other than our parents, that is. They are mothers and fathers, but also sisters, brothers, lovers, fighters, brave leaders, explorers, quiet sufferers, timid introverts, egomaniacs... So many things that we can't even imagine because we would prefer to keep them nicely labeled as "parents" to avoid any confusion. 

When we make assumptions we are fulfilling a need to have other people "figured out". We've labelled and categorized them in our heads and placed them in their "rightful place". That's how we try to make sense of the world. It's such a profound need to understand the world that we do a "human thing" and label everything to death.

So perhaps it's time to expand our minds and open up to the fact that we are all many levels, different colors and variations with many traits and personalities - we aren't simply A thing, we are MANY.

I'd like to finish this stream of thoughts off with some lyrics from a popular song back in the day when I was so young I couldn't quite grasp the beauty of this message... 

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out

The season's already changing

I think it's cool, you do what you do

And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Meredith Brooks - Bitch

Me, myself and I

Selfishness.

Probably most of us have been called selfish by others one time or another. Personally I’ve been called selfish for different reasons, such as: I’ve changed my plans to favour a new exciting fling instead of spending quality time with a family member; I’ve concentrated on my needs instead of my partner’s; and I’ve even been accused of being selfish for continuing my vagabond travels instead of “contributing to the society”. I certainly have sometimes felt ashamed of my actions when I’ve thought about them and wondered how selfish they really were. But I also think often I’ve been falsely accused.

I have spent a lot of time throughout my traveling years wondering the true meaning of selfishness. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two kinds of selfishness’. First, there’s the healthy kind of selfishness that we need as individuals to set boundaries and concentrate on our well-being without sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. This, I reckon, is actually a vital part of balancing our everyday lives and to live in harmony with others. After all, if you’re not taking care of yourself, who is? I remember the first rule I learned during my Rescue Diver training: always make sure rescuing someone doesn’t get you in danger – you need to look out for yourself first. This rule was based on the idea that if you are in trouble how can you possibly rescue anyone else. I think that’s an excellent point that applies to our everyday lives perfectly.

Then secondly, we have the greedy selfishness, which is quite opposite to the healthy kind which enables us to live in harmony. The greedy selfishness tells us to put ourselves before everyone else. It screams “I’m better than the rest of you” and can be also dangerous. The greedy selfishness is something that I believe is a “built-in” trait in us people, a residue of the cavemen mentality. It makes sense, as when we were once savages we had to have extreme survival mode so being greedy and selfish kept us alive back then. (One could argue that we are still savages, but that’s a story for another day.)

Unfortunately it seems that we are still savages when it comes to being greedy. A good friend of mine shocked me a few years ago as we were traveling in an area suffering from drought and our hostel asked us to use water sparingly. As she was brushing her teeth while leaving the tap running I told her to turn it off. We got into a very heated argument and she refused to turn the tap off. Her words will never leave me, still echoing in my head when I think of what she said then: “I don’t care if generations after me don’t have enough water as long as I have enough now”. Not only did this shock me but I couldn’t believe a well-educated, NICE person could actually think like this! She has a child now and I am tempted to ask her how she feels about saving water reserves for next generation(s). Something tells me her attitude might have changed.

There are a lot more examples of greedy selfishness all around us, just having a quick look at what is going on in politics anywhere in the world is a great wake up call. Racism, discrimination, ignorance and intolerance are all weeds growing from the soil of greedy selfishness.

So how do we know the difference between healthy selfishness and the greedy, destructive kind? And why does it even matter? This all just poppycock, isn’t it?

Without wanting to sound like I wear flowers in my hair, I genuinely believe that the only way we can be fully satisfied and happy as individuals is when we embrace the healthy selfishness and dismiss the greedy, unhealthy kind.

Healthy selfishness will bring us peace and increase our feelings of self-worth. In short: when you feel good about yourself, you will most likely feel good about the world surrounding yourself.

As much as healthy selfishness brings us happiness the greedy selfishness will make us miserable: we will never feel connected with others or enjoy living as equals because we have a constant misconception of being better than our fellow man and hence the spiteful, negative energy will consume most of the positives in our lives.

What exactly is healthy selfishness?

- It’s taking time for yourself. Everyone needs alone time to charge batteries.

- It’s putting your needs first. Ie. if you’re short on money, don’t let your friends talk you into going for shopping spree/a big, expensive night out/a holiday abroad that’ll leave you broke.

- It’s saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. There is absolutely no sin in saying “no”. You don’t need to justify yourself or give any explanations, either.

- It’s following your heart or instincts to pursue something that’s important to you without letting people try to stop you. Sometimes everyone else around you seems to know what’s best for you – don’t try to please others, they are not the ones who have to live with your choices every day; you are.

- It’s accepting a compliment and also blowing your own horn when you know you’ve deserved it. In some cultures people are stingy when it comes to complimenting each other whereas other cultures blatantly over-do it. Always take a compliment and never criticize yourself when being complimented.

- It’s being honest. Nothing is more taxing than having to beat around the bush or to flat out lie. You don’t have to be rude when giving your honest opinion. It’s incredibly liberating to tell the truth and not having to stress out about lies big or small will increase the quality of your life.

And greedy selfishness?

- Only thinking about yourself constantly and disregarding other people’s needs.

- Disrespecting or mistreating others.

- Boosting your ego or personal status in other’s expense; putting other people down, belittling others.

- Lying to get yourself out of trouble, to create selfish opportunities, to improve your social status by appearing “better” (smarter, more successful, “cooler”, etc.) or to climb a career ladder.

- Putting yourself on a pedestal, thinking you are better than others.

- Acting to benefit yourself at the expense of others.

- Often triggers negative emotions and easily leads to intolerance, annoyance, anger, even hatred.

So how to start embracing healthy selfishness? I claim to be no expert but this is what works for me:

1. Ask yourself what makes you most happy in life. It might be your family, career, a hobby or another passion. Be honest to yourself!

2. Make those happiest things your priorities in life – this means spend most of your time with what makes you happy.

3.  Acknowledge things that bring negativity or stress in your life. It could be a person/people in your life, working conditions, etc. Again, be honest to yourself though it will be challenging.

4. Discard the negatives in your life. If you have people in your life that bring you negativity or consume your good energy, let them go. Change your job, your living arrangements, whatever it is that needs changing. It might be “inconvenient” or you might even think it’s impossible (it’s not) - but it IS healthy selfishness and will pay itself back with interest.

5. Embrace healthy selfishness and when you observe yourself being greedy selfish, stop and contemplate.

6. Repeat 1 – 5 regularly.

Leading a healthy selfish life has dramatically improved the quality of my existence. My greedy selfishness has decreased considerably and as a result I'd like to think I'm a better person. The trick for me was to realize that being selfish isn't always bad - but in fact it's a necessity.

Lastly, my favourite quote from the long gone TV-show Ally McBeal.

“- Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else’s?

 - They’re mine.”

6 (gazillion) reasons why anywhere is better than living in China

Anyone who's talked to me about my experiences living in China - or read my blog - knows that I faced a lot of difficulties during my year in China. I tried so hard to keep a positive attitude but the reality of it was that since day one I always felt uncomfortable being there.

So why did I stay for the entire year if I really did feel that strongly about it? It's hard to answer that question - even to myself. On retrospective I think I kept hoping it would get better: surely I'd get used to the way of life there and the repetition of the same difficulties would become tolerable. But I never shook the feeling of "get me out of here". I struggled. But I made it.

I remember my first day in China clearly. Arriving to Beijing and spending a day there being whisked away to different locations to get a taste of the capital and being in awe of the size of the nation's capital, particularly the insane traffic. But later that night flying to what was to be my home city for a year was a shock to all my senses.

Here are some of the most important reasons I never felt at home in China - and why I was always contemplating whether to leave sooner rather than later.

Chinese customs and traditions: public chaos and rudeness.
Talking about customs and traditions in China is a wide area to cover but I'll try to pinpoint the essentials. The general rude attitude and lack of respect towards your fellow people was always something that made me fume while living in China.
A good friend of mine who'd been living in China for a while said: "the Chinese as a population are rude and inconsiderate, but once you become friends with the individuals, they will walk through walls for you." This is spot on. In general Chinese are the rudest people I've ever encountered: the chaos in public areas leads to pushing, grabbing, people yelling excessively and if you've ever visited a bank, a post office, a hospital or whatever establishment requiring queues, you'll be shocked by people's behavior. Chinese people have no idea what queuing is nor have they heard of "first come first served". If you try to abide the rules you'll soon discover there are no rules in China!

Pollution. 
It's pretty obvious why this was one of the first shocks for me when I got to China and why it remained one of the biggest reasons why I always felt like leaving. The pollution was horrid. HORRID. Most of the days it was a thick mist covering the entire city, sometimes it would be an all consuming cloud. A few times I'd open the curtains of my apartment to realize I can't see outside because of the pollution. It was surreal. In the very worst way. I got sick multiple times due to the high pollution levels. In general I was constantly sneezing and coughing black phlegm. It was scary. I can only imagine what a year of exposure did to my lungs and I hope the damage isn't permanent.

Food safety.
I have so many stories of how I got sick eating "normal" local food in various reputable restaurants. Let's just say you never know what is safe to eat and what is not. A meat skewer purchased from a street vendor might not make your tummy turn but eating in a fancy restaurant might make you end up in bloody diarrhea for such a long time that you'll find yourself in an IV drip at the hospital. I had continuous problems with food: sometimes mild tummy aches but I can't even count the times I was so violently sick I ended up with high fever and multiple trips to the hospital.

People defecating in public.
Yes, that means there's someone pooping on the street outside the restaurant you're eating in. Enough said. (Don't take my word for it, go ahead and Google.)

Customs and traditions: treatment of foreigners.
You might think "since you go to a foreign country you shouldn't complain how they treat you!" but how would you feel like if once you leave the comfort of your safe apartment, ventured outside and were constantly stared at and people pointed their fingers at you while laughing/screaming? How about you go grocery shopping and the entire staff follows you around trying to put things in your basket/shopping cart while you're trying to be polite and telling them to please go away, please, I'd like to be left alone? Or my personal favorite: I'm in a restaurant eating and people take pictures or video me while I'm trying to enjoy my meal.
I never got used to (nor I think anyone should get used to) being constantly pointed at, stared at with gaping mouths, secretly filmed or photographed. Random strangers would come up to me and comment on my appearances: my weight ("oh you're so fat!", my skin color "you're ridiculously white!" or just anything - because I looked so different. I told a few people that in the Western culture pointing is rude and commenting on someone's appearances is not cool either. Until the very last day I left I heard the same comments over and over again.

Customs and traditions: dishonesty.
As a good Chinese friend of mine said "all Chinese people lie".
Let's just get this straight: I think dishonesty is something that all nations globally have in common as corruption and dishonesty is found everywhere. Obviously in China the biggest proof of this is the Chinese government which doesn't allow freedom of speech or its citizens to reach information other than that which the government allows.
But I won't go on a rant about all that. My personal experiences were enough to convince that me people avoid the truth in the grassroot level, too. First week I started working my school's manager told me that they have told all the staff and clients that I come from England - obviously a non-native English speaker would not be good enough. I was dumbstruck and against my better judgement went along with it. Soon after I found out that the staff and clients were also told that I had a 5 year contract. And to this day I'm not sure what they told my students as I was leaving after a year.
Being ripped off is also something that will occur to you all the time in China. I had fights with taxi drivers on daily basis as they were trying to rip me off. Chinese are more money orientated (obsessed) than any other nation I've ever encountered.

There were many more things that made me cringe, fume or despair during my time in China but hopefully this will explain why I still can't look back at that time with any warm, fuzzy feelings.

On the bright side: the difficulties I'm facing now in Japan seem very much lightweight compared to where I was only a year ago! If nothing else then my year in China truly made me appreciate the essentials, things I'd previously taken for granted, in a new way.

Thank you for the teaching me a lesson or two, China! Goodbye.

One of the perks of not living in China anymore is not having to see crotchless pants ever again

Surviving trauma

I've lived in several different countries around the world during the past six years and I know for a fact that it's not always easy going. It's actually better to expect turmoil because more than likely it will happen in one form or another.
Yet I feel like nothing has really prepared me for the ride I'm in for right now in Japan. The beginning was quite serene: for the two months I lived in Kyoto I had a routine of job hunting but also an abundance of leisure time and I felt that the stress of finding a job would be my most serious tribulation. When I jumped aboard that bullet train taking me from Kyoto to my current home city I thought from there on things would be smooth sailing for me. It's difficult to describe how wrong I was.

My colleague's suicide was like an explosion in my reality. I still find shards of it everywhere. I now understand it has been a trauma which I need to survive. After the news of her actions reached us at work things were surreal. Unfortunately I have also felt anxiety due to both rumors and events I have personally witnessed at my work place. As if that wasn't enough, couple of weeks ago I began to get heavily pressured at work - which was just too much. I felt like falling apart. My thoughts were often drawn to my colleague who had taken her own life as I knew she had really struggled with the pressure at the work place. I remembered so clearly how distraught and afraid she was - and I felt my own anxiety grow. Could I do this? I wasn't sure at all. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be brought to a place where I wasn't comfortable with my life anymore. That place was looming in the horizon ominously.

Luckily the issue was brought up at work and I got to tell honestly how I felt. It was difficult, but I needed to be honest about the situation. And after that I've felt much better. The pressure has also lifted somewhat - and it needed to happen as no self-respecting person could take so much of insane turbulence in such a short time. And no one should be pressured that hard in the first place.

It's not an exaggeration to say life here has been like surviving a trauma. Phase one has been having to face an unexpected shock. And then going through the emotions such as confusion, anger, anxiety, fear, feeling disconnected and numb as well as physically fatigue, even having nightmares. After which comes phase two: recovery, trying to get back to "normal" but still struggling with fatigue, sleep disturbance and social difficulties.

I never expected my experience in Japan to start like this. But I know that whatever happens next things will get better.
I simply won't allow more turbulence in my life.

Keeping my head above the water