What Friends Are For

I think everyone can agree that having friends is a fantastic thing. Friends make you smile. Help you get through a bad day. Or a bad year. Friends make life seem so much more meaningful than if you just walked through all of this craziness on your own. And someone who knows you, understands you, gets you, is worth their weight in gold.

Of course there are different kinds of friendships. A friend could be that guy at your work who you have nice little conversations with every now and again - or that girl you keep bumping into at the gym who talks to you when you are waiting for your bodypump class to start and who you are on a first-name basis with. 

The ultimate friend is the one who has seen you at your worst and still sticks by you even after finding out your horrifying flaws and knowing those dark secrets you wish to hide from the rest of the world.

No matter how deep the relationship, it is always good to have a friend.

For people who travel "as a living" it is sometimes difficult to make friends. In my seven years of traveling and living in different countries, continents and cultures  I have become more accustomed to being by myself. Not because I am not outgoing or sociable, but many times it is simply difficult to find people you can relax or feel at ease with. To have someone understand you, appreciate you and vice versa is something I do not take for granted anymore.

I have lived in Japan for 15 months now and I have been reminded of many important lessons concerning friendships already. Life in Japan is special because here I have faced new challenges due to cultural differences which I have not faced prior while living in other countries. At very first I found Japanese people to be ultimately friendly and welcoming - but soon realized majority of people are just being very, very polite for the sake of it being an important part of their culture.
I have been proven time after time that extreme politeness does not include a welcoming parade straight into anyone's circle of friends nor does it mean that people would be willing to open up to a complete stranger - even though they might make you feel very welcomed and you might confuse that politeness as a sign of "let's be friends".

To be honest often times the Japanese social rules and habits confuse the living bejesus out of me. I am never quite sure how to behave when I wish to display friendliness in the correct way. There are cultural barriers between foreigners and Japanese people which are difficult to navigate through. None the less it is all a learning experience and man oh man have I been reminded of important life lessons when it comes to friendships..

After a colleague who I was becoming good friends with committed suicide a year ago I was reminded how every moment really does make a difference. Had I known what dark thoughts my colleague was struggling with, I would have taken her hand and tried to guide her from darkness to light. I will always regret not being able to do that. We all make a huge impact on other peoples lives - we should not take that responsibility lightly.

Japanese relationships have often given me headaches. For months I worked with a person who claimed to be a friend of mine but on retrospective I now realize she merely needed my presence and hence was pretending to be a friend. It was painful to admit to myself that a real friend is not someone who in reality communicates with you only out of need, the bare minimum. A friend is someone who opens up to you and allows you to do the same without making you feel like a nuisance. A friend smiles to you and with you. Lesson learned.

And how wonderful it is to find friends where you never thought you might! Friendship does not discriminate but it overlooks age, sex(ual orientation), religion and other factors that people think "connects" them to others. I have been so blessed to make unlikely friends: people I do not necessarily have much in common with but with whome I feel very comfortable and enjoy spending my limited, precious time with.

Unfortunately part of life is accepting that friends come and go. And sometimes we do something stupid and lose a friend. This particularly has been my ultimate lesson this year. I lost a friend because I was petty and stubborn. I thought the world of her, appreciated her friendship and many times thought I would have been lost without her. But despite my love for her and the importance of our friendship I allowed myself to act in a way that destroyed the essence of any relationship. Trust.

Like someone who's drowning and desperate I made an attempt for a rescue but realized how it was too late for that. Our ship was sinking. And words you say you can never take back. Not all friendships survive complete honesty. (But if they do not, were they ever real friendships in the first place?)

Friends are important. They listen to your stupid jokes. They make you smile when you did not think it possible. They make an inappropriate joke about you when you are being too stuck up and serious. They will provide you with a spoon to gobble down a bucket of ice cream when your heart is aching but take the spoon away before you make yourself sick. And they do not get offended when you tell them off for taking away that spoon. They understand you will come around.
Friends are irreplaceable even if sometimes you feel like you might survive without them.

Thank you, friends. We would be nowhere without you!

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=118570&picture=proverb-a-friend-in-need

On Becoming A Hermit

Do you know how it feels to appreciate your own company more than that of others? How much you can yearn for a social event to be over so you can smile, say goodbye and leave, finally being alone with your thoughts, relieved to spend precious time alone.
As human beings we are social animals and to a certain extent we all need interaction with other humans. But in addition to that spending time with fellow human beings can become a strain instead of a pleasure, as it should be.

I have globetrotted more or less by myself, independently, for several years now and sometimes people I encounter are worried that I'm lonely. I get dubious looks when I exclaim that I love traveling alone. People don't seem to be quite convinced anyone would actually enjoy such solitude. The beauty of solo traveling is that you get to socialize more when you are not tied to any one individual - it easily transforms you to a social butterfly.

A single traveler is never truly alone unless they want to be. I have found some fantastic people when I've traveled alone around the world - those encounters probably wouldn't have happened had I been with someone at the time.

For a long time, for nearly 11 months, I traveled with a close friend when I first started out on this journey that I'm still on. We were extremely before close before starting our trip but the 24/7 mode and the intensity it created nearly destroyed our friendship. Eating, sleeping, sharing anything and everything with another person will fast become an absolute trial for the relationship, no matter how strong it is. After I realized what a strain it was to travel with someone you loved - but whom you also started to hate in ways indescribable - I went from one extreme to another and adapted single travel, where I could decide everything for myself with no need for compromises. I genuinely think that my friendship was nearly destroyed with a very dear friend because of the insane pressure of constant presence. I was happy, relieved to my core, when our ways naturally departed and our friendship remained.

This incident was definitely the first step for me in preferring solitude and isolation to companionship. Before this I used to be drawn to big, loud crowds with lots going on. I enjoyed being the loudest person in the midst of mayhem, the centre of attention. In what seems like a short time I have become quite selective of the company I choose to keep. I find I no longer have time for people I don't feel I click, connect with. Nowadays I will choose to keep my own company more often than not.

And indeed, being alone does not equal being lonely. The meaning of this was emphasized when I lived in China and for the first time ever in my life I found that I had very limited options to socialize. Due to the small number of foreigners living in my rural city it was difficult to find people whose company I genuinely enjoyed. Luckily though I did connect with a handful of people who still remain close to me. But other than that my social circles were tiny. My Chinese colleagues possibly felt a need to invite me to social gatherings - unfortunately I found little comfort in these situations.
Besides our cultural differences and the locals viewing me as a mere white, token foreigner, the conversation was never what I felt I needed. The language barrier obviously didn't help. I was also genuinely surprised how narrow-minded and superficial I found the people I worked with. After a while I started declining invitations to social events from my Chinese colleagues. I know they tried but I was frankly left more miserable by those gatherings than if I had stayed at home alone all day.

During that year in China I truly embraced my inner hermit. The novelty of truly finding company in myself to that extent was intoxicating. I focused on myself, my passions, more than ever. I was alone most of the time but by no means was I lonely.
If I ever felt lonely in China during that year was when I was the only foreigner in a group of Chinese people, being invited to a party or another, where no one would talk with me and I was left to my own devices. Did the rest of the company really think I would enjoy being a part of a herd in such circumstances?
Regardless to say I didn't feel like I missed out on much when I decided to turn down further invitations.

The experience in China has escalated my preferences even further: I mostly prefer my own company anymore. I do enjoy social gatherings but I rather invest in quality than quantity. I find I get irritated if I don't have enough personal time and am "forced" to be around people for too long.
It's a stark contrast to the person who I used to be, the one who couldn't get enough of the company of others, almost afraid to be alone.

None the less I find becoming a bit of a hermit has improved my self-knowledge and deepened my self-awareness in many positive ways.*

Hermits of the world, unite!


*I have written this in my bed, wearing my PJs for the entire day and having made no social plans whatsoever for the day. Luxury.