Surviving trauma

I've lived in several different countries around the world during the past six years and I know for a fact that it's not always easy going. It's actually better to expect turmoil because more than likely it will happen in one form or another.
Yet I feel like nothing has really prepared me for the ride I'm in for right now in Japan. The beginning was quite serene: for the two months I lived in Kyoto I had a routine of job hunting but also an abundance of leisure time and I felt that the stress of finding a job would be my most serious tribulation. When I jumped aboard that bullet train taking me from Kyoto to my current home city I thought from there on things would be smooth sailing for me. It's difficult to describe how wrong I was.

My colleague's suicide was like an explosion in my reality. I still find shards of it everywhere. I now understand it has been a trauma which I need to survive. After the news of her actions reached us at work things were surreal. Unfortunately I have also felt anxiety due to both rumors and events I have personally witnessed at my work place. As if that wasn't enough, couple of weeks ago I began to get heavily pressured at work - which was just too much. I felt like falling apart. My thoughts were often drawn to my colleague who had taken her own life as I knew she had really struggled with the pressure at the work place. I remembered so clearly how distraught and afraid she was - and I felt my own anxiety grow. Could I do this? I wasn't sure at all. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be brought to a place where I wasn't comfortable with my life anymore. That place was looming in the horizon ominously.

Luckily the issue was brought up at work and I got to tell honestly how I felt. It was difficult, but I needed to be honest about the situation. And after that I've felt much better. The pressure has also lifted somewhat - and it needed to happen as no self-respecting person could take so much of insane turbulence in such a short time. And no one should be pressured that hard in the first place.

It's not an exaggeration to say life here has been like surviving a trauma. Phase one has been having to face an unexpected shock. And then going through the emotions such as confusion, anger, anxiety, fear, feeling disconnected and numb as well as physically fatigue, even having nightmares. After which comes phase two: recovery, trying to get back to "normal" but still struggling with fatigue, sleep disturbance and social difficulties.

I never expected my experience in Japan to start like this. But I know that whatever happens next things will get better.
I simply won't allow more turbulence in my life.

Keeping my head above the water