Resolutions

I close the door of my brand new apartment: I have just moved in and yet another new beginning has hence started in my life.

Memories flood my mind about the last time I moved into a new apartment here in Japan, trying to make a home for myself. I was full of excitement at the idea of starting a new job in which I thought was quite a promising company. The painful memories surface of people who were supposed to be there to guide me and support me but turned out to be two-faced liars with their own, hidden agendas. I felt so alone and deserted. Looking back to last summer offers only painful memories. On hind sight, after a few months, I genuinely wonder how I made it through everything. Last year was such a challenge that I am afraid to admit my mental health was at stake. Good riddance, poisonous K&F English Academy. 

But that's in the past now. I look forward to this new beginning without holding on to grudges.

As the year was about to turn I got asked a lot about resolutions for the new year. I’m afraid I might have come across a bit harsh or even rude to the people inquiring about my new year's resolutions. The fact is I think they’re utter rubbish. For me it’s simply a senseless tradition our culture holds: we make promises to ourselves just for the sake of making them. Everyone knows they hold no real meaning: the first couple of weeks of January the gyms are full of people exercising, others stock up on nicotine pads or gum to give up smoking, some might start a new, “more meaningful” hobby such as playing an instrument or learning a new language perhaps. By the end of January a whopping majority of these “promises” have been broken. I do not understand the façade of this circus. What’s the point? Are people so sadistic and self-loathing that year after year we enjoy making empty promises to the most important person in our lives, ourselves, and then give up on them for one reason or another leaving us feeling disappointed and useless?

I resent the message new year resolutions send out: that there is only one time of the year to make resolutions, promises or change your life for the better. Why don’t we acknowledge the resolutions and changes we strive for during the year? Or better yet: why don't we strive for resolutions and changes during our everyday lives? Life is what happens throughout the year, the pinnacle of our annual existence surely is not the new year.

My promise to myself, my personal resolution is each and every day to be(come) a better person: more patient, understanding, loving and giving. We don’t need a special occasion to change our lives. Now is the best time, the only time. And it’s important to remember that you will sometimes falter, no matter how motivated. Of course sometimes I fail. I am not always the very best I can be, I have off days and phases when I am utterly selfish or moody. It’s OK, I forgive myself. I try again the next day. I won’t give up, throw in the towel nor declare to myself that oh well, since I failed today at being a good person I’ll just continue to be a selfish turd from now on. One has to be understanding and patient with oneself, too.

Coming home to Japan from my holiday in the Philippines a few days ago has left me exhausted but happy. Though my holiday was stressful I the more I yearned to come back home. I am genuinely overjoyed, bursting with the wonderful feeling of being loved. I have such lovely people in my life here who truly care for me and vice versa. It has been amazing returning home and to be reminded how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by warm-hearted, good people. It’s easy to let go of bad memories when you are reminded of the good in life.

I try putting my appreciation into words but fear I never will be able to find the sufficient words to describe how grateful I am right now. So I have had this resolution for a while that I’m really striving to hold on to: to show people how much they mean to me. When people make you happy, don’t hesitate to let them know they do. I have found these past months that returning the joy, happiness and love is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

Here's to a better new year and great resolutions!