Me, myself and I

Selfishness.

Probably most of us have been called selfish by others one time or another. Personally I’ve been called selfish for different reasons, such as: I’ve changed my plans to favour a new exciting fling instead of spending quality time with a family member; I’ve concentrated on my needs instead of my partner’s; and I’ve even been accused of being selfish for continuing my vagabond travels instead of “contributing to the society”. I certainly have sometimes felt ashamed of my actions when I’ve thought about them and wondered how selfish they really were. But I also think often I’ve been falsely accused.

I have spent a lot of time throughout my traveling years wondering the true meaning of selfishness. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two kinds of selfishness’. First, there’s the healthy kind of selfishness that we need as individuals to set boundaries and concentrate on our well-being without sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. This, I reckon, is actually a vital part of balancing our everyday lives and to live in harmony with others. After all, if you’re not taking care of yourself, who is? I remember the first rule I learned during my Rescue Diver training: always make sure rescuing someone doesn’t get you in danger – you need to look out for yourself first. This rule was based on the idea that if you are in trouble how can you possibly rescue anyone else. I think that’s an excellent point that applies to our everyday lives perfectly.

Then secondly, we have the greedy selfishness, which is quite opposite to the healthy kind which enables us to live in harmony. The greedy selfishness tells us to put ourselves before everyone else. It screams “I’m better than the rest of you” and can be also dangerous. The greedy selfishness is something that I believe is a “built-in” trait in us people, a residue of the cavemen mentality. It makes sense, as when we were once savages we had to have extreme survival mode so being greedy and selfish kept us alive back then. (One could argue that we are still savages, but that’s a story for another day.)

Unfortunately it seems that we are still savages when it comes to being greedy. A good friend of mine shocked me a few years ago as we were traveling in an area suffering from drought and our hostel asked us to use water sparingly. As she was brushing her teeth while leaving the tap running I told her to turn it off. We got into a very heated argument and she refused to turn the tap off. Her words will never leave me, still echoing in my head when I think of what she said then: “I don’t care if generations after me don’t have enough water as long as I have enough now”. Not only did this shock me but I couldn’t believe a well-educated, NICE person could actually think like this! She has a child now and I am tempted to ask her how she feels about saving water reserves for next generation(s). Something tells me her attitude might have changed.

There are a lot more examples of greedy selfishness all around us, just having a quick look at what is going on in politics anywhere in the world is a great wake up call. Racism, discrimination, ignorance and intolerance are all weeds growing from the soil of greedy selfishness.

So how do we know the difference between healthy selfishness and the greedy, destructive kind? And why does it even matter? This all just poppycock, isn’t it?

Without wanting to sound like I wear flowers in my hair, I genuinely believe that the only way we can be fully satisfied and happy as individuals is when we embrace the healthy selfishness and dismiss the greedy, unhealthy kind.

Healthy selfishness will bring us peace and increase our feelings of self-worth. In short: when you feel good about yourself, you will most likely feel good about the world surrounding yourself.

As much as healthy selfishness brings us happiness the greedy selfishness will make us miserable: we will never feel connected with others or enjoy living as equals because we have a constant misconception of being better than our fellow man and hence the spiteful, negative energy will consume most of the positives in our lives.

What exactly is healthy selfishness?

- It’s taking time for yourself. Everyone needs alone time to charge batteries.

- It’s putting your needs first. Ie. if you’re short on money, don’t let your friends talk you into going for shopping spree/a big, expensive night out/a holiday abroad that’ll leave you broke.

- It’s saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. There is absolutely no sin in saying “no”. You don’t need to justify yourself or give any explanations, either.

- It’s following your heart or instincts to pursue something that’s important to you without letting people try to stop you. Sometimes everyone else around you seems to know what’s best for you – don’t try to please others, they are not the ones who have to live with your choices every day; you are.

- It’s accepting a compliment and also blowing your own horn when you know you’ve deserved it. In some cultures people are stingy when it comes to complimenting each other whereas other cultures blatantly over-do it. Always take a compliment and never criticize yourself when being complimented.

- It’s being honest. Nothing is more taxing than having to beat around the bush or to flat out lie. You don’t have to be rude when giving your honest opinion. It’s incredibly liberating to tell the truth and not having to stress out about lies big or small will increase the quality of your life.

And greedy selfishness?

- Only thinking about yourself constantly and disregarding other people’s needs.

- Disrespecting or mistreating others.

- Boosting your ego or personal status in other’s expense; putting other people down, belittling others.

- Lying to get yourself out of trouble, to create selfish opportunities, to improve your social status by appearing “better” (smarter, more successful, “cooler”, etc.) or to climb a career ladder.

- Putting yourself on a pedestal, thinking you are better than others.

- Acting to benefit yourself at the expense of others.

- Often triggers negative emotions and easily leads to intolerance, annoyance, anger, even hatred.

So how to start embracing healthy selfishness? I claim to be no expert but this is what works for me:

1. Ask yourself what makes you most happy in life. It might be your family, career, a hobby or another passion. Be honest to yourself!

2. Make those happiest things your priorities in life – this means spend most of your time with what makes you happy.

3.  Acknowledge things that bring negativity or stress in your life. It could be a person/people in your life, working conditions, etc. Again, be honest to yourself though it will be challenging.

4. Discard the negatives in your life. If you have people in your life that bring you negativity or consume your good energy, let them go. Change your job, your living arrangements, whatever it is that needs changing. It might be “inconvenient” or you might even think it’s impossible (it’s not) - but it IS healthy selfishness and will pay itself back with interest.

5. Embrace healthy selfishness and when you observe yourself being greedy selfish, stop and contemplate.

6. Repeat 1 – 5 regularly.

Leading a healthy selfish life has dramatically improved the quality of my existence. My greedy selfishness has decreased considerably and as a result I'd like to think I'm a better person. The trick for me was to realize that being selfish isn't always bad - but in fact it's a necessity.

Lastly, my favourite quote from the long gone TV-show Ally McBeal.

“- Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else’s?

 - They’re mine.”