Rocky road with extra nuts (not the delicious kind)

I haven't been able to write my blog in a while. It feels like since moving to this new city in Japan EVERYTHING has happened. The last few weeks I've had the sensation of living in a fog: not sure what exactly it is that I'm doing or even how I'm feeling.

When I first moved here I was so excited about the new beginning with so many things to look forward to: a job that I was sure will be challenging yet fun, a beautiful small coastal city to live in and all unknown adventures waiting for me. Retrospectively thinking I've had one of the worst starts I never even considered possible.

Forgetting the fact that I actually had a little accident on my first day in my new city after falling off a bike and injuring my left arm I thought things were going to sky rocket towards better things. I am an eternal optimist you see, it's in my nature to genuinely believe things will get better and happier times lay ahead. I was bitterly mistaken this time around. It didn't take longer than a couple of days when I started hearing things from my co-workers: they were apparently getting to know me and like me because they told me they needed to let me know about things that were going on in our work place. I heard about their tribulations with the company we were working for and it all seemed like a slap in the face. My heart sank a bit. What was I in for?

None the less I kept my positive attitude as I was sure if I just continued feeling optimistic about the future it would unfold beautifully. I truly was in good spirits despite all the warnings that my colleagues gave me.

And then things got strange. Shortly after that they got horrible: word reached our company in the form of the police that my colleague had killed herself.
I felt everything around me become a blur. Nothing made sense.

I could go on and on about the shock, self-blame, feeling of absurd surrealness, sorrow and pain... It was all there and after 3 weeks some of it quite obviously still remains.

The aftermath of a suicide is almost unfathomable. All of us at work were in a state of shock and things were made worse when we were told by the management not to tell anyone about what had happened. We were simply told to put on a happy face and fake it. Inside I felt such resentment and anger towards this policy but I was too distraught to fight against it. I was a zombie numbed by the absurdity of the situation and the personal pain I was now told to hide.

It has been a rocky road.

Now enough time has passed that I can look at things that have happened here with more perspective. The pain and the question "why?" still remain and I know they'll never cease to exist - though time will help. I still feel torn about my life here but I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to focus on keeping a positive mind and believing that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Things will work out; I can do this.
Life must not only be lived but most importantly, be enjoyed.


R.I.P. all those dear to us that have departed.