Change Is Near

Dedicated to Mark. Anything is possible.

So you want to tackle life by starting anew? Great! Courage, it will all be OK even if it might seem crazily uncertain now.

Whatever reason people have for making dramatic changes in their lives it is never easy. It is not impossible either, but sometimes we kind of expect it to be just all smooth sailing because we have a vision of what we want. It is not going to effortless: it will require hard work and perseverance. But you will make it - just believe in yourself and keep going.

Everyone has their own story but let me tell you how it happened to me. Some eight years ago I was home on a Sunday afternoon, in the country where I was born and in the same city I had lived for a decade - where all my friends were, where I went to university, got my first “real job” and was “building a career” - or whatever that means.

I have since then lost faith in the traditional way of life and think it's all a big hoax, a brainwashing scheme. We all have this one life: let's not waste it.

I do not mind telling you I had a horrible hangover that Sunday. The previous night I had been out with my friends, just like countless times before, week after week, year after year. At that stage I was unemployed. The economy in Europe was not exactly blossoming and though I had chosen to leave my job six months earlier it did not make my life any easier: I was depressed as nothing I did seemed to result in anything I was very excited about. The days, weeks and years seemed to resemble each other too much. I did not feel inspired. I had a faint idea somewhere in the back of my head - though I did not know how to put it into words - that I truly wanted to be inspired, shaken, to be thrown into adventures, weird situations with unusual people.

How amazing it is to look back now with all I know and all my experiences so far to that narrow-minded person I was, only seeing inside the box and completely unaware of the possibilities and opportunities the world held!

And it was a simple message from a good friend (who also had a horrible hangover that very day) saying: “This country is so mundane. How about we get a working holiday visa and go to Australia for a year?”. Nothing before had ever made as much sense as those few words on my PC screen. This was that something that I had been waiting for: an inspiration. From that very second onwards I simply KNEW with 100% certainty that leaving somewhere new, exotic, strange, was the thing I craved for. Something I simply had to do. I had no choice.

What an intoxicating moment that was, even looking back to it now years later. It was my gut feeling telling me to do something no matter how scary. I had no clue what it was that I was getting into - and probably best so. I have since then started listening to my gut feeling more and more: it is never wrong.

Very soon after this realization I took a whatever job which was way below my skills and definitely did not match my fancy university degree but I knew it was income and something that would fund my way out of here to a life that was awaiting. I actually took on two part-time jobs as well and obviously got overwhelmed very fast. But I was greedy to make money for I saw that as a something necessary for my unknown future.

Now I know that huge savings are not everything - as long as I always have enough money to buy a ticket home to my family I know I’ll be safe. Anything more than that is just a great perk. Money is a necessity but we often value it too much: we do not need as much of it as we seem to think. Also money gives no guarantees of anything.

When the day came to finally get on the plane I had sold or given away all my belongings: all I had left were a few boxes at my parents’ basement. I had a huge backpack and a one-way ticket to Australia. I was so scared I felt paralyzed. I remember standing there at the airport thinking if I was making a huge mistake - could I still call this off, get my old apartment and that crummy, whatever job back if I just said this was a silly idea?

Fear will be present at times, especially in the beginning of your great life change. We fear things that we can not understand and an unknown future is something we can not even imagine so how could we understand it! But. Let me remind you of a liberating fact of life: nothing in life is certain.

Let me repeat that. NOTHING in life is certain. There are NO guarantees. Even if you stay home, or wherever it is right now that makes you feel safe and sheltered, you are not “safe” from life.

For the only thing certain in life is change. Us people are insane animals and we fight to slow or stop that change without realizing it is unnatural. Change, ever-changing life in all its multitude is the only certain thing around us and in our own lives. I am sorry to tell you this, but you are not now, never have been nor never will be safe. Life can have its way with us no matter what kind of walls or shelters we thought we built to protect ourselves.

But do not let this depress you: on contrary, let it liberate you. For what is there to fear in a world where we all are equally floating around in uncertainty?

Do not worry about “failing” because there is no such thing as failing. How could there be if you follow your heart and do what makes you happy. Think big. Think outside the box. Do not let pride or fear stop you from reaching out. More you do more you realize is possible.

And truly anything is possible.

What Friends Are For

I think everyone can agree that having friends is a fantastic thing. Friends make you smile. Help you get through a bad day. Or a bad year. Friends make life seem so much more meaningful than if you just walked through all of this craziness on your own. And someone who knows you, understands you, gets you, is worth their weight in gold.

Of course there are different kinds of friendships. A friend could be that guy at your work who you have nice little conversations with every now and again - or that girl you keep bumping into at the gym who talks to you when you are waiting for your bodypump class to start and who you are on a first-name basis with. 

The ultimate friend is the one who has seen you at your worst and still sticks by you even after finding out your horrifying flaws and knowing those dark secrets you wish to hide from the rest of the world.

No matter how deep the relationship, it is always good to have a friend.

For people who travel "as a living" it is sometimes difficult to make friends. In my seven years of traveling and living in different countries, continents and cultures  I have become more accustomed to being by myself. Not because I am not outgoing or sociable, but many times it is simply difficult to find people you can relax or feel at ease with. To have someone understand you, appreciate you and vice versa is something I do not take for granted anymore.

I have lived in Japan for 15 months now and I have been reminded of many important lessons concerning friendships already. Life in Japan is special because here I have faced new challenges due to cultural differences which I have not faced prior while living in other countries. At very first I found Japanese people to be ultimately friendly and welcoming - but soon realized majority of people are just being very, very polite for the sake of it being an important part of their culture.
I have been proven time after time that extreme politeness does not include a welcoming parade straight into anyone's circle of friends nor does it mean that people would be willing to open up to a complete stranger - even though they might make you feel very welcomed and you might confuse that politeness as a sign of "let's be friends".

To be honest often times the Japanese social rules and habits confuse the living bejesus out of me. I am never quite sure how to behave when I wish to display friendliness in the correct way. There are cultural barriers between foreigners and Japanese people which are difficult to navigate through. None the less it is all a learning experience and man oh man have I been reminded of important life lessons when it comes to friendships..

After a colleague who I was becoming good friends with committed suicide a year ago I was reminded how every moment really does make a difference. Had I known what dark thoughts my colleague was struggling with, I would have taken her hand and tried to guide her from darkness to light. I will always regret not being able to do that. We all make a huge impact on other peoples lives - we should not take that responsibility lightly.

Japanese relationships have often given me headaches. For months I worked with a person who claimed to be a friend of mine but on retrospective I now realize she merely needed my presence and hence was pretending to be a friend. It was painful to admit to myself that a real friend is not someone who in reality communicates with you only out of need, the bare minimum. A friend is someone who opens up to you and allows you to do the same without making you feel like a nuisance. A friend smiles to you and with you. Lesson learned.

And how wonderful it is to find friends where you never thought you might! Friendship does not discriminate but it overlooks age, sex(ual orientation), religion and other factors that people think "connects" them to others. I have been so blessed to make unlikely friends: people I do not necessarily have much in common with but with whome I feel very comfortable and enjoy spending my limited, precious time with.

Unfortunately part of life is accepting that friends come and go. And sometimes we do something stupid and lose a friend. This particularly has been my ultimate lesson this year. I lost a friend because I was petty and stubborn. I thought the world of her, appreciated her friendship and many times thought I would have been lost without her. But despite my love for her and the importance of our friendship I allowed myself to act in a way that destroyed the essence of any relationship. Trust.

Like someone who's drowning and desperate I made an attempt for a rescue but realized how it was too late for that. Our ship was sinking. And words you say you can never take back. Not all friendships survive complete honesty. (But if they do not, were they ever real friendships in the first place?)

Friends are important. They listen to your stupid jokes. They make you smile when you did not think it possible. They make an inappropriate joke about you when you are being too stuck up and serious. They will provide you with a spoon to gobble down a bucket of ice cream when your heart is aching but take the spoon away before you make yourself sick. And they do not get offended when you tell them off for taking away that spoon. They understand you will come around.
Friends are irreplaceable even if sometimes you feel like you might survive without them.

Thank you, friends. We would be nowhere without you!

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=118570&picture=proverb-a-friend-in-need

On Becoming A Hermit

Do you know how it feels to appreciate your own company more than that of others? How much you can yearn for a social event to be over so you can smile, say goodbye and leave, finally being alone with your thoughts, relieved to spend precious time alone.
As human beings we are social animals and to a certain extent we all need interaction with other humans. But in addition to that spending time with fellow human beings can become a strain instead of a pleasure, as it should be.

I have globetrotted more or less by myself, independently, for several years now and sometimes people I encounter are worried that I'm lonely. I get dubious looks when I exclaim that I love traveling alone. People don't seem to be quite convinced anyone would actually enjoy such solitude. The beauty of solo traveling is that you get to socialize more when you are not tied to any one individual - it easily transforms you to a social butterfly.

A single traveler is never truly alone unless they want to be. I have found some fantastic people when I've traveled alone around the world - those encounters probably wouldn't have happened had I been with someone at the time.

For a long time, for nearly 11 months, I traveled with a close friend when I first started out on this journey that I'm still on. We were extremely before close before starting our trip but the 24/7 mode and the intensity it created nearly destroyed our friendship. Eating, sleeping, sharing anything and everything with another person will fast become an absolute trial for the relationship, no matter how strong it is. After I realized what a strain it was to travel with someone you loved - but whom you also started to hate in ways indescribable - I went from one extreme to another and adapted single travel, where I could decide everything for myself with no need for compromises. I genuinely think that my friendship was nearly destroyed with a very dear friend because of the insane pressure of constant presence. I was happy, relieved to my core, when our ways naturally departed and our friendship remained.

This incident was definitely the first step for me in preferring solitude and isolation to companionship. Before this I used to be drawn to big, loud crowds with lots going on. I enjoyed being the loudest person in the midst of mayhem, the centre of attention. In what seems like a short time I have become quite selective of the company I choose to keep. I find I no longer have time for people I don't feel I click, connect with. Nowadays I will choose to keep my own company more often than not.

And indeed, being alone does not equal being lonely. The meaning of this was emphasized when I lived in China and for the first time ever in my life I found that I had very limited options to socialize. Due to the small number of foreigners living in my rural city it was difficult to find people whose company I genuinely enjoyed. Luckily though I did connect with a handful of people who still remain close to me. But other than that my social circles were tiny. My Chinese colleagues possibly felt a need to invite me to social gatherings - unfortunately I found little comfort in these situations.
Besides our cultural differences and the locals viewing me as a mere white, token foreigner, the conversation was never what I felt I needed. The language barrier obviously didn't help. I was also genuinely surprised how narrow-minded and superficial I found the people I worked with. After a while I started declining invitations to social events from my Chinese colleagues. I know they tried but I was frankly left more miserable by those gatherings than if I had stayed at home alone all day.

During that year in China I truly embraced my inner hermit. The novelty of truly finding company in myself to that extent was intoxicating. I focused on myself, my passions, more than ever. I was alone most of the time but by no means was I lonely.
If I ever felt lonely in China during that year was when I was the only foreigner in a group of Chinese people, being invited to a party or another, where no one would talk with me and I was left to my own devices. Did the rest of the company really think I would enjoy being a part of a herd in such circumstances?
Regardless to say I didn't feel like I missed out on much when I decided to turn down further invitations.

The experience in China has escalated my preferences even further: I mostly prefer my own company anymore. I do enjoy social gatherings but I rather invest in quality than quantity. I find I get irritated if I don't have enough personal time and am "forced" to be around people for too long.
It's a stark contrast to the person who I used to be, the one who couldn't get enough of the company of others, almost afraid to be alone.

None the less I find becoming a bit of a hermit has improved my self-knowledge and deepened my self-awareness in many positive ways.*

Hermits of the world, unite!


*I have written this in my bed, wearing my PJs for the entire day and having made no social plans whatsoever for the day. Luxury.

Waves of change

You are so beautiful

                                   beyond description.

That’s what you told me

before you whispered you loved me.

You held my heart

                                 but only used it to build yourself up.

From all-consuming passion

                                                to nothingness in a blink of an eye.

To act as if I’m yours

                                     when you gave me little more than a promise of yourself.

Mere shells of affection

                                        skeletons of feelings.

I’m cutting your tentacles from around me.

                                                                      Your rip current won’t suck me in anymore.

Growing roots

I'm settling in. I lounge in my bed and enjoy the comfort of my own home. For me, my own private sanctuary. I've earned this luxury. In a way I feel like I've lived in this apartment for longer than the month that has actually passed by since I moved in. It took long to get where I am, feeling content and secure.

Last year was a really special one for me for so many reasons. I've always been a person who has a lot going on - one might even say my life has been a big roller coaster ride since I moved out to live independently at the age of 18. The list of life-changing events since then is a long one and last year definitely added some novelties to it.
Luckily I am mature enough now to accept the fact that life is a series of both good things and bad. Nothing ever is - nor will it ever be - perfect.

I had high hopes when entering Japan 11 months ago. I thought I knew where I was coming to as this is the first country that I have ever moved to which I had already visited prior to moving. Well, my image of the flawless wonderland has since deteriorated as I've seen this country from the inside and realized that it has its downfalls. None the less I am still in love with Japan: it is a beautiful country with fascinating history and customs that are still very much part of the modern life. I find the people polite and warm though introverted and the customs intriguing yet stubbornly old-fashioned at times.

Yes, for me there is no other country quite like Japan and as I've only spent so little time here I have much more to explore. I am happy to be here and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else - no matter it's still winter and I wear thermals to bed every night.

In many ways I miss my traveling days: globetrotting around the world and every day being an adventure of a new culture, people and events unfolding.
But it does grow tiresome, traveling from one destination to another with your bag of material possessions in tow. After a while you dream of a semi-permanent "something" and the yearning of stopping for a while kicks in. That's what happened to me. I sought to settle down and Japan was THE place where I wanted to do it in.
A year in and I have barely managed to establish myself here in my new surroundings - how ironic that it took such a long time to find my bearings! But alas, it is done. I am happy. I have a job I enjoy, work for and with people who give out positive vibes, have a great network of friends I trust - and to top it off I live in a place I love.

I'm ready to grow roots.

Resolutions

I close the door of my brand new apartment: I have just moved in and yet another new beginning has hence started in my life.

Memories flood my mind about the last time I moved into a new apartment here in Japan, trying to make a home for myself. I was full of excitement at the idea of starting a new job in which I thought was quite a promising company. The painful memories surface of people who were supposed to be there to guide me and support me but turned out to be two-faced liars with their own, hidden agendas. I felt so alone and deserted. Looking back to last summer offers only painful memories. On hind sight, after a few months, I genuinely wonder how I made it through everything. Last year was such a challenge that I am afraid to admit my mental health was at stake. Good riddance, poisonous K&F English Academy. 

But that's in the past now. I look forward to this new beginning without holding on to grudges.

As the year was about to turn I got asked a lot about resolutions for the new year. I’m afraid I might have come across a bit harsh or even rude to the people inquiring about my new year's resolutions. The fact is I think they’re utter rubbish. For me it’s simply a senseless tradition our culture holds: we make promises to ourselves just for the sake of making them. Everyone knows they hold no real meaning: the first couple of weeks of January the gyms are full of people exercising, others stock up on nicotine pads or gum to give up smoking, some might start a new, “more meaningful” hobby such as playing an instrument or learning a new language perhaps. By the end of January a whopping majority of these “promises” have been broken. I do not understand the façade of this circus. What’s the point? Are people so sadistic and self-loathing that year after year we enjoy making empty promises to the most important person in our lives, ourselves, and then give up on them for one reason or another leaving us feeling disappointed and useless?

I resent the message new year resolutions send out: that there is only one time of the year to make resolutions, promises or change your life for the better. Why don’t we acknowledge the resolutions and changes we strive for during the year? Or better yet: why don't we strive for resolutions and changes during our everyday lives? Life is what happens throughout the year, the pinnacle of our annual existence surely is not the new year.

My promise to myself, my personal resolution is each and every day to be(come) a better person: more patient, understanding, loving and giving. We don’t need a special occasion to change our lives. Now is the best time, the only time. And it’s important to remember that you will sometimes falter, no matter how motivated. Of course sometimes I fail. I am not always the very best I can be, I have off days and phases when I am utterly selfish or moody. It’s OK, I forgive myself. I try again the next day. I won’t give up, throw in the towel nor declare to myself that oh well, since I failed today at being a good person I’ll just continue to be a selfish turd from now on. One has to be understanding and patient with oneself, too.

Coming home to Japan from my holiday in the Philippines a few days ago has left me exhausted but happy. Though my holiday was stressful I the more I yearned to come back home. I am genuinely overjoyed, bursting with the wonderful feeling of being loved. I have such lovely people in my life here who truly care for me and vice versa. It has been amazing returning home and to be reminded how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by warm-hearted, good people. It’s easy to let go of bad memories when you are reminded of the good in life.

I try putting my appreciation into words but fear I never will be able to find the sufficient words to describe how grateful I am right now. So I have had this resolution for a while that I’m really striving to hold on to: to show people how much they mean to me. When people make you happy, don’t hesitate to let them know they do. I have found these past months that returning the joy, happiness and love is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

Here's to a better new year and great resolutions!

Holiday horror

Two weeks in the Philippines and I'm sitting at Cebu-Mactan Airport waiting for my flight to Manila. Wishing so hard that by some magic this coming flight would change its destination and I could fly back home to Hiroshima.

It's not that something extraordinarily horrible happened during this holiday but I simply think it was not the right time and place for me to come here. I thought I would enjoy a beach holiday in South East Asia, but I forgot how stressful all the chaos, hassle and constant money grumbling here is. I am exhausted. I have no more strength to haggle prices on every turn: the shops, markets, tricycles and taxis... The scammers and hagglers have sucked the joy out of me. I simply wanted to go on a holiday and relax but instead I've found myself in constant turmoil.

I am not saying the Philippines is to blame. It is a country of beautiful islands and beaches where many local people are happy and sweet, totally hospitable. Unfortunately this was the wrong venue for me. If I could turn back time now I would book a luxurious resort and stay in one location to remove the stress of transport and constant haggling.

For the life of me I can't shake the repulsion when being scammed everywhere I go here. I know this is South East Asia and you have to roll with it - the unorganized dirty chaos sprinkled with money grabbing scammers lurking around every corner. And honestly I thought I could easily deal with as I have spent many months traveling across SE Asian countries before! Alas, I was mistaken. Perhaps I have grown to like the easier things in life as the backpacker style doesn't hold any appeal to me anymore.

Ironically Manila treated me well, and that was all thanks to some amazing friends that I have there. They showed me such hospitality and made my time in that big, dirty city so wonderful that the islands simply had a hard time impressing me.
On one hand I hate criticizing my time in the Philippines because I know nobody wants to hear negative things about their country - but I have to be honest and I have a need to vent. It's nothing personal, after all.

I can't remember the last time I was happy to go home from a holiday that I wished ever so badly for the holiday to be over. Of course it has not been all bad, not at all! It has been many small things good and bad, some big things wonderful and horrible, and it all boils down to the fact that I am sick and tired of being on full alert all the time to avoid trouble. Traveling as a young, white female I now realize that I have been subjected to even more hassle than I was prepared for. People think I'm an easy target. But I have fought back as I refuse to let people take advantage of me.

At this stage of my life, after traveling so many years to so many countries I would like to say that nothing gets to me - but it's not true. My heart sinks every time I notice a local trying to scam me. It feels like a slap in the face when people try to use you. And again, I knew this would be what would happen in SE Asia and I genuinely thought I could brush it off.

This is the first holiday ever where I was afraid a taxi driver would actually kidnap me or hold me against my will, where I witnessed hostel staff leave dirty sheets on beds for new guests to arrive or where I went to a buffet restaurant where all the food was cold or uncooked to a health hazard leaving me no choice other than to walk away.

And perhaps it is because I had such high expectations of this holiday that it's gone so wrong. I worked SO hard last year and overcame some real-life nightmares that if there ever was a time in my life that I deserved and needed a holiday it was this one. Ironically I have not been relaxing that much but spent my time stressing.

I am sure there is a lesson to be learnt here. I am not yet sure what it is but I know going home has never felt so good. Time for reflection shall surely follow once I am safely back. And however stressful this holiday has been I know it will make my return back to Japan ever so sweeter. I miss the organized, clean, polite, rule-operated nation with it's shy and polite people.
I love you, Japan, I'm coming home soon!