And it has taken time to recover. Leaving China alone was such a hassle it was completely traumatizing and at a point during the journey I actually broke down crying, thinking I would never be able to leave the damn country. Quite typically the outbound journey from my little rural Chinese city towards safe Europe was a big mess. It was the cherry on top of my foul tasting Chinese year.
To quickly give an idea of what my last days were like in China, I'll only mention a few fun facts: my agency hadn't paid me for 2 months of work and I was up to my eyeballs trying to make them pay; I got an intense diarrhea (again); I was thrown a grand birthday party; I got asked to stay for a second year; I spent two weeks and was unable to buy extra luggage from an airline; I had to figure out how to transfer money abroad from China; and last but not least, what was supposed to be an easy 70 minute flight to Beijing turned out to be a horror day of cancelled flights, dirty taxi drivers, Chinglish and misunderstandings, bureaucracy, lies and heaps of stress. In a nutshell: it was a big, emotional week leaving China.
But as I boarded the plane in Beijing heading towards Copenhagen, Denmark, I felt the presence of other Scandinavians and I slowly started to relax. My stomach was a burning furnace, but as language barrier was no longer an issue, my mood (and stomach) was relieved as I was able to get lovely, Western medicine for my condition. Even the Scandinavian air hostess was so lovely I got emotional for not having to deal with cold, rude Chinese people no longer. I wept as the plane took off. The realization that every second was getting me further from the damn country was blissful: I would never have to come back.
When I finally reached home my parents came to pick me up after I had been traveling pretty much non-stop for 48 hours. Home; homeland and my little hometown had never felt sweeter and more welcoming. It was difficult to describe to my family and friends how ecstatic I was simply because there were no people screaming, honking their vehicle horns 24/7, defecating on the street, staring or laughing at my white skin... Chinese culture was finally out of my life! People I encountered now were polite, well behaved, they smelled nice and didn't need to shout to communicate - and best yet, they understood me perfectly without a translator app!
I have tried to figure out whether I was a fool to stay in China for such a long time. I kept thinking to myself at the time that it was bound to get better: surely the worst had passed and I had immersed to the way of life there. But honestly speaking I never did enjoy it completely. Surely I enjoyed certain aspects of my life there: the attention, perks of being white, relatively easy money I made, good food (to be fair I ate my share of horrible things, too) and friends I made.
I can't see myself ever returning to China. Not ever for a holiday. In all honesty: I keep seeing nightmares where I'm still in China and for some reason or another I'm unable to leave. I always wake up stressed out - but feeling so damn lucky I'm actually out of there!
Seeing Chinese people and hearing the odd Mandarin being spoken around me when I'm in big European cities has to this day given me the creeps. I can't help but turn around and stare at these Asians who are polluting the sound waves coming to my ears. I get angry as flashbacks begin to flood in my mind's eye. I obviously still have issues with all things Chinese. Safe to say I won't be planning a holiday back there - ever.
So is there something one could learn from my experience? Myself included?
I think I would still recommend a person who is interested in traveling and new experiences to go to China. Even take up a teaching job! But definitely pay attention to where you are going and ask yourself what it is that you wish to gain from your time in China. Ironically before leaving to China I got asked if I had preferences about the location and I remember saying "oh I don't know anything about China, but I want to experience the real thing so feel free to send me somewhere outside the big cities!". This turned out to be my mistake. The city where I was sent to was just too small. I was not up to the challenge of being the first white person those locals ever laid their eyes upon. The language barrier destroyed my independence - or at least the sense of enjoyment in general.
As a positive I must say the year has made me stronger. I also know better now what it is I want from life and what I will avoid; what are my values, what kind of people I feel connected to; what makes me happy.
I'm happy to build my future on that.
Goodbye China; forever!
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