When am I going home?

I get asked this question a lot when I meet new people. Especially when they hear I've been traveling for a few years already they inquire eagerly, "so when will you go home?". My answer goes pretty much something like this: "probably never". Sometimes people reply with a laughter or a sceptical "really?" but mostly I get the raised eyebrows. And it seems like people who ask this question never seem to be satisfied with my answer, which can be simplified to this: I don't want to return to my home country ever again permanently if I can help it.

Why?

Because I'm a traveler. A modern day vagabond.

I don't think of myself as part of one nation anymore, and though I am grateful for my home country for all the wonderful things it enables me to do (thanks for the strong passport!), I genuinely consider myself a citizen of the world. It's a cliché, but "wherever I lay my hat, that's my home". (Makes me wish I wore a hat.)

I don't want the "normal life" where you work for a meaningless company year after year (or decade after decade), live in the same city/country, get married, have children, watch your pension grow and get so distracted by the daily mundane things so that life passes you by. For me all that seems like a waste of life. Majority of people call this "life". I don't want it.

I want to make clear, so I don't hurt anyone's feelings here, that I don't criticize other people who choose the traditional way of life: go for it! Just don't tell me that I need to make the same decisions as you did, as if it was the only way to live.

"Surely you'll want to settle down one day" is what I hear a lot. Yeah, maybe. But right now I can't imagine staying in one place for more than a few months. One year in one place seems to make me itchy! The world is so big, beautiful and full of adventures just waiting for us to jump on the opportunity!

The scariest thing for me nowadays is to have a long term plan or tie myself up with responsibilities or material possessions. Longer I travel the more I realize that the material things we are taught to yearn and desire are there to hold us back. More stuff I have, less I have freedom. I'm slowly becoming a minimalist. I still like things, like a girl I like pretty clothes and shoes. But I don't own 200 pairs anymore. (Yes, I did use to own more than 200 pairs of shoes. But that's a different story for another day).

"But what about your family?" ask the people who are apparently worried that I never talk to my folks. Well I can honestly say that in many ways my relationship with my family has never been better since I started traveling! I'm way more honest with them now about what I want and what I don't want it life, so we don't argue about things as much as before. They have given me 100% of their love and support throughout these years. Sure I don't see them very regularly, but when I finally go home to see them, we spend quality time together AND for an extended period of time, not just for a few days. I feel their presence strongly in my everyday life and I dare to say they do, too.

And same goes for my friends: leaving home was the best test to see who really would stick around when there was not much to stick around for: I didn't visit home for the first three years I started traveling and I was nervous when I went back.. Would they forgive me for being a "bad friend"? I was so happy, relieved and lucky to still have so many good friends left to welcome me with open arms :) Like many things in life, it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality. I have dear, old friends back at home and then I have friends whom I've met while traveling and they feel like old friends. I am so blessed to have amazing people around me - no matter if they're near or far.

"Don't you want to get married?" is one thing people ask me frequently, probably because I'm apparently in "that age" (to settle down, I am told). It seems to shock many when I tell them that I'm happy being single. That a relationship for a person who travels is usually more of burden than anything else. Sure, sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have a special someone. But special someones aren't easy to find. And since I started traveling it would take a lot for a man to adjust to my way of life. Yes, he would have to adjust to my travels, I wouldn't sacrifice my love for adventure or independence for anyone. Of course I would love to meet a man who could join me in what I do - but if I have to choose between a relationship and traveling, I choose traveling.
Traveling is so far my one and only true love.

And then there's my all time favorite...

"You've been traveling for so many years, seriously?! You're so lucky!" Whoaa, excuse me, lucky? I guess it was lucky that I decided to buy that one way ticket to the other side of the world, quit my job, sell my possessions, leave my home, say goodbye to everything familiar or dear to me just to go and explore countries which I knew nothing of.. Oh no wait, no, that was not luck, that was actually all ME. Like a friend of mine said, who's also been traveling for many years, I'd also like to say that I did not win a traveling lottery. I made sacrifices and choices to be where I am now and to do what I do. It was a lot of hard work sometimes.

I've had so many wonderful, amazing moments throughout these years! But also plenty of difficulties, challenges and hardships that come when living and traveling abroad. Moments of utter confusion, desperation, uncertainties. "Luck" didn't help me when it was so hard that I had to kick myself in the butt, wipe my tears, forget my doubts and move on just to stay sane. In the end I found safety in who I am and in the decisions I made. Luck doesn't help you with that.


Home? It's always with me and I take it everywhere I go.

Things foreigners NEVER say in China

Since lately life in China has been a tad challenging, I have found it helpful to talk to my foreign friends here and also reading online what other expats are going through. It's always a relief that no matter how I'm feeling there's always someone who's going through the same issues or has been through them and know exactly how I feel.
When those feelings of utter helplessness and desire to throw in the towel wash over me it makes the world of difference to know you're not alone.

I joined a funny Facebook group where foreigners living in China vent about their issues. The group is called "Things foreigners NEVER say in China" and the idea is to post a sarcastic sentence, something a foreigner living in China would never say and which describes the Chinese way of life - or our, foreigners, life in China.
I'd like to share some of my favourite quotes from this group. So these are quotes from some of the people in the group:


"I was only a mild fan of karaoke before. But you allowing your primary-school-aged children to sing seven songs in a row really sold me on what a fantastic art form it is."

This made me laugh because I remembered my first time in a Chinese KTV (short for Karaoke TV): my friend had invited me to have dinner with her family and her family friends. There were around 5 to 6 children between 3 and 12 years old and three couples. After dinner they wanted to take me to a KTV, this was was 9pm. I was surprised: wouldn't the younger children need to get to bed soon? Also the men were pretty drunk at this stage, so I was wondering how we would mix sober wives, drunk husbands, young children and myself, a foreigner never been to a KTV before. When we got to the KTV they immediately shoved the microphone in my hand expecting me to start singing. I was flabbergasted throughout the night, watching the adults singing their favourite songs and the children playing recklessly, shouting in the extra microphones fur fun (you can imagine how loud) and running around til midnight. It was surreal.


"I really enjoy discussing politics in China. People are so well informed and insightful."

Ah, politics in China. I personally try not to get into this. When people ask me about economy and politics in my country, I try to give a short answer. Nothing spells awkward more than talking of freedom of speech and democracy to citizens in a country where these things are mere fantasies.


"Wow - that's really convenient, I'm going to cut the seam out of my kid's pants too. I'm going to save a ton on diapers!"

If you haven't been to China you can't imagine the crotchless pants. The children who are not potty trained wear these trousers that simply have a slit in the middle, a.k.a. crotchless pants. I can not count the amount of baby genitals I've seen during my time in China or witnessed babies peeing and pooing both indoors and outdoors. When you see a turd on the street in China, it is more likely to be human feces than animal.


"When they build something here, they really do it properly don't they."

Architecture is not really Chinese people's strong point. I have been to buildings wondering to myself how old they must be: I can see mold, dirt, things falling apart...and then I'm told the building is only a few years old. Apparently, I was told, that buildings in China are built to last about 30 years. 


"Yes please open the windows! pm2.5 is only 800 today. it's good for us!"
"it's the middle of summer with all the windows open and 90% humidity...OF COURSE I'll accept your hot water! I must have been cold and didn't know it!"
"I know it's so cold that the water in the toilet is frozen, but would you mind opening every window in the house for a couple hours so that we can change all that stale filtered air for fresh polluted air?"

These quotes sum it up: Chinese people like to "air" the houses, no matter how hot or cold outside air is. When the pollution levels are high I always feel like my lungs are filled with cancer as naturally my school also keeps windows and doors open.
(PM2.5 is an air pollutant, one of the most dangerous kind as the particles are tiny. In China many foreigners, like myself, check the PM2.5 levels every day to know whether to wear a breathing mask or not.)


"More fish/chicken heads in my soup!"
"I love eating prawns with the shell on."

Yes, animal heads in soups are delicious if you ask the Chinese. Also they look at me like a weirdo when I peel my prawn shells... But after I had food poisoning from prawns, I decided not to eat them in China. Ever. Again.


"I'm sorry, I can't do any work at the moment, I have to watch Chinese TV shows on my phone."

I used to think that Asian people are so hard working because they always seem to be at their work place. Then I noticed that when Chinese people come to work, their standard of work is not really the same as for us Westerners... People watch TV shows on their phones, they make personal phone calls (my assistants answer their phones during my class when they are there to translate!), they SLEEP on the job, and pretty much do everything that would NOT be okay for us in the West. The Chinese complain about their small salaries, and yes they don't make much money, but compared to what they actually DO during their working hours..I'd say the compensation is fairly decent.


"The customer service here is fantastic, and the staff are so friendly!"

There is no such thing as customer service in China. You're happy if someone will take your order and once you give them your money you get what you paid for. Also forget about manners: just because they work in a customer service profession doesn't mean they have to even try to be nice to you.


"I'm not going to worry about dental care for my children's teeth, it's not like anyone sees them anyway. I think I'll spend a huge amount of money on a Michael Kors bag instead."

Many people in China have bad teeth. Probably because daily brushing of teeth is not a habit in China... It's funny how Chinese people would actually buy an expensive Western car, designer clothes or a bigger house to show off how much money they have, but not take care of their (oral) hygiene.


"I hear China Post is really reliable."

It sure is! Personally I did have to order a new credit card from home and have it sent here to China and miraculously it did arrive. But I know people have lost plenty of things: parcels that didn't make it here because a custom officer decided that he needed the item that was being delivered (oh yes, this happens) or the tax on things are so high it makes no sense to order anything. Also what I find hilarious is the fact that the Post offices don't sell stamps, letters or actually send anything...You usually have to send something via a courier to post it. Funny, seeing as the word "post" actually means literally to send something..


"More fireworks! Especially those 50m firecrackers that go off for 15 minutes! I never knew I could enjoy them so much!"

In China there are fireworks and firecrackers going off every day! I have tried to ask why from my local Chinese friends what is the reason behind this, but I'm still waiting for an answer that makes sense. So far, though, I've discovered that fireworks go off when someone's getting married or there's a funeral. But you do see them here on daily basis. Thanks to the thin walls, you also hear them constantly... And the firecrackers can be somewhat alarming when you're walking down the street and all of a sudden you're in the midst of a big racket and intense smoke starts to form: for a fraction of a second you always wonder if it's a shooting incident or good old firecrackers.

You can find the Facebook group "Things that foreigners NEVER say in China" here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/360759013944855/ 


I hope you found these quotes as funny as I did; they do give a good idea about the most common oddities we foreigners face here.

Like one of my friends said: "it's totally different than home - isn't that why we're all here?". :)

Zàijiàn!

When Things Go All WONG...

I've had a rough couple of weeks lately.
I've broken down crying helplessly, hating my surroundings and feeling sorry for myself.
I've wondered what I'm doing here, for it has seemed pointless at times. And too hard. Just too damn hard existing as a foreigner in this country.

In fact for a long while everything has seemed to be a struggle which I couldn't overcome. I didn't see a way out of. I felt sad, depressed, angry, frustrated. I had almost had enough of China.

So what happened? Nothing out of the ordinary, really. When I say out of the ordinary, I mean out of the ordinary compared to my life here in China since December last year. Which is not "ordinary" compared to my life in all the four other Western Countries I've lived previously throughout my life.

I'm a straight shooter. Throughout this blog I've written honestly about my experiences in China and I've never sugarcoated anything nor tried to make it sound glamorous. So some of you will know that though it has been an adventure like no other coming here, full of eccentricities, funny situations, hilarious mishaps and making friends, there has also been the flipside. I've talked a lot about the language barrier. The pollution. The rudeness of Chinese people. Dirt and grime everywhere. And it just so happened to me a few weeks ago that all these things seemed to quantify out of proportion and bury me under them.

Nothing specific happened to start my spiraling to darkness. But one day on my way to catch a taxi to work I surprised myself as I bursted into tears. Knowing that who ever would stop to pick me up, the taxi driver would probably not understand my Chinese when I gave him the address, after which he would try to rip me off by charging me at least double the cost of the fare and I would end up in a fight with him. And I would have to take all this only to be taken to a working environment where I couldn't communicate with anyone and felt utterly isolated. And after that a new challenge, and after that another, and after that...
I thought I would shake it off during the day. But it got worse.

After work I went to the supermarket. I had a customer pestering me, a young woman who insisted on speaking to me in Chinese though I told her on several occasion that I do not understand nor speak Chinese. All I wanted was to buy bananas. And to be left alone after a challenging day. No such luck.
My grocery shopping is always tormented by mostly the supermarket staff who attack me like vultures. I felt like screaming "leave me alone!" as they kept following me and blabbering at me, but I managed to hold myself together. But I almost lost it when one of the staff members popped in front of my face around a corner and took a picture of me with her iPhone. That was the last straw. I rushed out of the store, angry, so angry. It had been too much.

Little things like these happen multiple times every day, just as they always have happened during my life in China, but I was really struggling to accept them this time around.

I don't know if I got sick because of all the anxiety, anger and depressive thoughts, or vice versa, but I started to come down with something suddenly. I felt like I had no energy to face anything outside my comfortable apartment. Everything seemed like a big struggle. Commuting. Communicating. Shopping.

The only people who I could actually talk to, who would understand how I was feeling and what I was going through were my other foreign friends here. I talked to them openly about my feelings, like we always do within the group. They made me feel better, but the effect didn't last long.

And then one day as I was at work I fell into peaces: I started sobbing again helplessly. I was sent home for the rest of the day and I felt relieved. But not better.
And then the next day it happened again. Only this time around it was more like howling instead of crying, with tears pouring down my face. I felt a horrible sadness and anger inside me. My Chinese colleagues were lovely and understanding, as I had told them how I had been feeling. I was consoled and looked after.

This exact same thing happened once more at my work place. My colleagues were starting to get worried and they weren't the only ones: I felt as surprised as I felt miserable. When would I feel better again, I wondered.

I have always been in touch with who I am and what I want in life: I'm one of those people who spend a lot of time working on myself mentally and spiritually, constantly trying to better myself. So I rarely experience feelings that surprise me. But this amount of rage which I was suddenly experiencing was surprising to me. I sat down and pondered whether I could - or should - stay in China until the end of my contract. It was still 5 months away.
Then all of a sudden I found resurrection: my summer holiday is coming up next month and I decided that to save my mental health and to lift my spirits I would simply have to leave China for two weeks. To get away from it all. And as I thought of this a  wave of relief washed over me! That night I radiated of positive energy again and I stayed up late planning my exciting holiday! After that I have felt like my old self again :)

For now I have decided to take it day by day. China is certainly a challenge, but I feel like it has taught me so much. I have appreciation towards life now more than I have ever had before. I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Or it feels like not a step but a plunge into a sea of non-comfort zone.

Throughout this experience in China I've been forced to open my mind, challenge my view of the world and learn how to swim against the current. I still got some kick in me to keep on swimming!

Zàijiàn!

I wish Chinese really was this easy! :)

Oriental Truth: Money Maketh The Man

Six months in China. I'm halfway through my (first) contract here. Honestly, there have been times when I wondered would I even make it this far. A couple of times I have seriously contemplated on packing my bags that very instant and leaving. And it seems like the issues I - and my fellow foreign friends here - have are always the same. The biggest problem is perhaps the language barrier. More Chinese I learn the more I have a sense of belonging here and the less awkward it is to do things independently. But then there are the cultural differences. The fact that in a city of this stature where there are only a handful of foreigners in the midst of 10 million locals, I always stick out.

Chinese people are not like us Westerners in many ways. Chinese people are governed by a super controlling government, but the rest of their life is one big, organised chaos. This can be seen everywhere: the traffic is only one example and though it's a well worn cliche, it is insane because there are no rules - and even if there were no one would respect them. Chinese people have learnt a lesson: if you don't push and shove your way forward in life (or in a queue in a bank/supermarket/anywhere) you won't get anywhere. As I was taught by my parents that it's good manners to patiently wait for your turn and not cut in line, the entire Chinese population has still to discover this rule.
Also the notion of "personal space" is a concept unknown to the Chinese: whereas Westerners show respect towards other people by not shoving others and remaining as distant as possible even in crowded areas, the Chinese are totally oblivious to such unspoken rules. I can't count the times I've been pushed, shoved, someone cutting in front of me, elbowing me without apologizing or breathing in my neck. I'm fairly easygoing but need others to respect my personal space, so you can imagine it's problematic when I am shopping in a supermarket and a salesclerk grabs me to get my attention, or as I'm walking in a busy street downtown and out of nowhere I'm being bombed with cucumber slices by a man selling vegetable slicers; apparently he wanted to demonstrate how lovely and cooling they are... But it's these things that pile up and as they multiply you start to feel desperate(ly angry). Sometimes I wonder if I've forgotten what normal behavior in the West entails. But the truth is I miss being just a face in the crowd: to have some privacy and not being subjected to the gawking, giggling Chinese with their pointing fingers. Which I  also find super rude: but here in China even adults and seniors point their finger at me. Sometimes I get so frustrated I do the same right back at them. It's like the people who take my picture without asking my permission: I have started taking pictures of them, too. Not the most mature thing to do maybe, but I don't know how else to get my point across.

Getting treatment at my local hospital for my old knee injury

"Heat machine" for my knee

Before I came to China I was aware that the culture is very different. I had worked in the hospitality industry around the world and met Chinese travelers so I knew a little of what to expect. I was most interested in the ancient traditions and how they still reflect in the culture today in the lives of the ordinary Chinese. I found out many things about social behavior for instance, or the famous Chinese medicine. I must admit that before arriving to China and even the first couple of months in China I thought the Chinese medicine would be something almost magical and life changing for me. I dreamt of throwing away and completely abandoning Western medicine and finding natural ways to better my health and prolonging my life. Well, that did not quite happen. I have a dodgy knee due to a rock climbing incident a couple years back and it pains be every now and again. I had high hopes that the Chinese doctors would give me some magical, ancient treatment and abrakadabra my knee would be as good as new! Unfortunately the treatment I first received (acupuncture) made my knee almost immobile. I had never felt pain like that and after a few treatment sessions I told the doctor I won't have it again. He suggested another treatment which involved healing herbs and heat therapy. That didn't seem to bother my knee but after so many treatment sessions I still didn't feel much better so I gave up spending my days off at the hospital. I was sorely disappointed. But I still had high hopes about Chinese medicine.
It was probably when my friend, a doctor, suggested I'd take some Chinese medicine to cure my dry cough that was the last drop and my faith in Chinese medicine was destroyed. My cough wasn't bad but she insisted that she'd get me something to help. So she gave me what looked like big, massive seeds and told me to put them into hot water and drink. The seeds (or whatever they were) opened up in the hot water and expanded. A day later, I was violently sick: I had the runs, was seeing stars and felt like vomiting. I had to go to the hospital and stayed in bed for the next three days. My other friends, finding out what I had been taking to my cough, told me that this Chinese medicine is too strong and I shouldn't have tried it. I felt betrayed by Chinese medicine. But I have seen how it really is: Chinese medicine is nothing but old folks tales, wisdom passed through from generation to generation. Sure, it's a natural remedy. But unfortunately there is nothing magical about it. So I keep popping my Western medicine from now on quite happily.

Would you drink this if they said it's good for you?

And when talking of the Chinese culture it's important to remember the most essential value of all: money. That is truly what it all comes down to. People don't marry for love here, they marry for money and security. It might sound cynical, but I think that Chinese people's entire lives revolve around money. They openly admit themselves that money is very important and they can never have enough. They call Western people "very romantic" because we marry for love and passion, hold hands, kiss in public and are affectionate towards are partners. I am fully aware that our culture in the West isn't free of this obsession with money either, but I see it here so highlighted that it's hard to ignore.
During my friend's visit in China my Chinese manager took us to a nearby little town and a temple which was located there. The temple was beautiful and we found there was a very old man who worked there. As my manager translated we asked him some questions. I wanted to know why he was there; I thought to myself that maybe he seeks enlightenment, inner peace or harmony, or maybe he contemplates the meaning of life or simply feels the need to live a simple life to serve his gods. Nope, none of that. He told us he came to work for the temple because his children were adults and instead of living with them, the temple would provide him an income. Another illusion shattered. My face must've shown my disappointment as my manager told me "in China everything is done for money". I nodded my head, she was right.

I came to China intrigued of the ancient culture, the oldest race in the world and their different, peculiar ways. I wanted to get to the bottom of the culture and though I've only been here for six months I think I have done a pretty good job finding out what it is to be Chinese. I know I still have much more to unravel and I look forward to it all. I feel lucky that chance brought me here, right in to the middle of the provincial life and the "real" China: I have had such experiences already that I won't forget throughout the years to come, no matter where I end up.

For now I'll keep on exploring this insane, fascinating chaos called China!

Gambei! ("Bottoms up!")

Beer pong, our foreigner group's favorite past time

"Jenni, you are Chinese now!"

I have been in China for almost 6 months now and though the first couple of months were quite difficult, I feel like my life has gradually - yet drastically - changed for the better during the last few months.

When I first got here in the provincial China the pollution, the concrete filled city, insane traffic, language barrier and none the less the local customs and habits made my head spin! During many days I seriously thought to myself that I simply can't take it anymore. But whenever I had a rough day I decided to give it another chance, another day and see how I felt then - and day by day things got better. I immersed into the Chinese culture bit by bit. Now I can genuinely say that there are very few things in the daily life that surprise me anymore. I am used to squatting in any given drop toilet: the public toilets in parks or on the streets have no doors, no toilet paper, no sinks to wash your hands in, and my brain does not indicate any distress or queerness concerning this. Business as usual.

Sometimes I even surprise myself realising how I've accustomed to most things in this little provincial city. For one, I have started calling my home "a small city", as the locals do, though a 10 million person city sounded massive before I actually got here. Or the crazy traffic: I have friends who live in China and still think the traffic is suicidal, yet I don't even blink when I sit in a car without a seat belt and my driver is negotiating through the traffic with too much speed; or when I cross a big intersection during rush hour and cars, e-bikes, motorbikes and all things on wheels swish past me honking away as they do. My mother would be worried sick if she knew how many times I've nearly been hit by a car/motorbike/e-bike/any motor vehicle.

Spotted in Shanghai

When I first decided to come to China I told my friends about it and had quite a surprised response in general. But one of my oldest, dearest friends told me first hand that he would definitely come visit me. As I had lived abroad for several years in that point and none of my friends had never visited me I didn't think it would happen. But to my great (and happy) surprise, he did book the flights and we planned for an amazing holiday: and what a great excuse it was for me to take a few extra days off from work and head to Shanghai to meet him up before flying him here to get to know the "real China" :) 

Not everyone is very open minded for different cuisine - but he tried it anyway ;)

It was fascinating to go to Shanghai, and not only because it was a city of which I had heard so many good things of, but also because it was the first contact point for my friend where he dipped his toes into the great country of China. As I was accustomed to the things that most Western tourists awe at and are flabbergasted or shocked when visiting China, it was most interesting to see my friend's reactions to all things Chinese. To me Shanghai was super modern and Westernised, so as my friend was so bewildered about the cultural differences I felt like it was indeed a great idea that he started his China tour in a mega city instead of coming straight to the provinces... Otherwise he might have landed to my little city and left immediately! Or would've been too culture shocked to enjoy his time in China. So as we were in Shanghai it was like a treat for me: being in a big, international city which was clean, beautiful and still you could get by with English (and my broken Chinese).

One thing that happened during my friend's visit was that I was forced to use my Chinese a lot more than I normally do. We went to non-touristic restaurants, shopped on the street, and I needed all the Chinese that I knew - and which I am normally quite shy to use because to be honest, it's not much! But it was such an amazing feeling realising that I could - and DID - get by with my limited vocabulary! It was such a big nudge once again for me to really continue my Chinese studies.

View of the Shanghai's famous Pudong district

Once we left beautiful Shanghai and headed home to Henan province, I had tried to warn my friend about how life in the provinces is totally different to that in big cities of China. I tried to make him understand that in my city he would not be understood if he spoke in English; that he would always need to have my home address written in Chinese with him in case he got lost; that there was not much choice for Western food for a fussy eater like him; that everyone WILL notice a Westerner no matter where he was and try to charge him extra no matter where he shopped. Just for starters. So when we arrived to my humble home city I tried to figure out how he felt: could I sense culture shock coming up? I guess it's fair enough to say that he seemed surprised. But as I headed to work and left him to his own devices, accompanied with a very basic Chinese vocabulary, I felt certain that he would have a great time. I later found out that he managed to buy a cold beer AND a hot coffee in several places, so it seemed like a great success :) (In China they will always serve you warm beer unless you ask for it cold.)

Amazing home cooked food my manager's mom prepared for us

Introducing my friend to my colleagues and the children at the kindergarten was great fun! The children were absolutely stunned: another foreigner! My friend was wearing shorts and his hairy legs and bald head were a constant amazement for the children! I laughed as I saw the kids stroking his hairy legs and bombarding him with questions - remembering my own experience first starting here I can only imagine what they were wondering about.

During my friend's visit my appreciation towards my company skyrocketed: the owner of the company told me that she would love to have dinner with us, but as she is very busy she will have my team take me for dinner. She paid not only for our dinner but organized a night at the KTV (karaoke) with my colleagues AND we were offered a tour around the city; my manager organised a car to drive us around and show us the countryside! Wow. I felt so appreciated and truly was happy and felt lucky to work for such a company that took care of me and then some.

My colleagues showing us a good time at the KTV

It was heart warming and funny as my friend and I were having dinner with my manager and a Chinese friend in a buffet restaurant: I told my friend he would have to try everything and kept lapping up food on his plate and explaining what things were. My manager was listening to me intently and in the end she exclaimed with joy, "Jenni, you are Chinese now!". She continued to praise me how I know so much about the Chinese food and customs and have completely immersed into the local way of life. I felt warm and fuzzy inside for reasons I did not comprehend. 

I realised that I am a chameleon; which ever country I have lived in, I have always been able to adapt to the way of life, make it mine and have it make me it's own image - and fully enjoy it. I guess that's why I love traveling: every time I let myself to be consumed by the local culture I learn something new, I see a new perspective in life and it broadens my mind more than anything else I've ever experienced.

I still have so much to learn from the Chinese way of life: these first 6 months have tickled my fancy and I am looking forward to finding out even more! I truly am living my own dream. And who knew China would turn out such an amazing experience! I recommend everyone to try it out :) 

Zàijiàn!

A beautiful water town in Shanghai

Less is fashion: China's obsession with looks

I have mentioned earlier how Chinese people are very particular about their looks. That's an understatement which I didn't even realise in the beginning.
When I first got to China I was a bit afraid how the locals in this small city would treat me based on my looks: I had heard stories that many Westerners get commented on their weight, skin, hair and on their general appearances a lot and how for us it might sound rude and highly inappropriate. As my Chinese is slightly evolving and I understand more of what people around me say, I am getting the general feel now more than before: looks are something that people are obsessed with. I say people, but in reality I only ever hear women go on about them.

To set the appearances record straight, in the West I'm a female of perfectly average height, 168 cm (around 5 foot 6 inches) but am a few good kilos above the average weight, though nowhere near obese. Being from Scandinavia I look the part: my skin is super white and my hair is naturally (a dirty) blonde.
So to the Chinese people I look like a freak - in both good and bad.

I'm horrified to hear even the Chinese Jaws thinks I'm too big for him ;)

I remember my first day in my new home city last December as I was running around the city with my Chinese assistant and I encountered some strange and hilarious people. I especially remember getting into a cab where the Chinese driver, a man, and his passenger, a woman, gawked at me whilst I sat in the back seat and started laughing out loud heartily! My assistant told me that they thought I looked so white it was ridiculous! I smirked, no harm done. That same day I had another situation, also in a cab, when I sat in the front seat and the lady passenger in the back seat suddenly yanked my hair... My assistant was horrified and apologised to me, explaining how the lady had never seen a white person and apparently my hair looked so strange that she had to touch it, just to make sure it wasn't fake. I managed a laugh, it was so absurd!

My first week both at the kindergarten and the training centre where I work full time, the children were fascinated and somewhat afraid of me. The teachers told me I look so strange to them that some of them will need time to adjust to me. The bravest little buggers surrounded me though, and bombarded me with questions that were promptly translated to me: "Where are you from? Are you Japanese? Are you Russian? Are you a man or a woman? Why is your skin so white? Why are your eyes so big/blue/green? Why is your hair so white? Why is your nose so big? Why can't you speak Chinese" ...and on it went. I thought they were cute nonetheless, and so brave and curious to see the scary foreigner. I let them touch my hair, my face, and many of them came so close they could inspect every inch of my face carefully! This happens still regularly to this day, though the children are now so used to me that they are very comfortable around me - and vice versa.

Since day one the adults I work with were always quick to give me a compliment. I'm still not sure whether it is their custom or if it was done for my sake, being a foreigner in a strange country that needs to be made feel better. I still get told almost on daily basis how white I am, and this is the greatest compliment a Chinese person can give. At first I was always a bit sad, because obviously us Westerners would like to be tanned, so I nodded along gloomily, "yes, I'm so white". Then it really hit me and I realised they desperately want to be as white as I am, so I tried to make them feel better and informed all my Chinese friends that actually Western people want to be browner! The look on their faces were of disbelief and confusion: why would anyone want to be brown? I told them that for us white skin looks unattractive and we spend a lot of time and money to get tanned: solar beds, self tanning products, unhealthy sunbathing with no sunscreen.. I finally convinced them I wasn't joking and they were somewhat shocked by the fact that us white people, with perfect skin, would ruin that all by tanning. I've had plentiful long talks with local people about the beauty standards in the West versus China and we never seem to get no further than stating: in China white is beautiful, in West tanned is sexy. On a positive note it has made me re-evaluate why we have these strange (almost impossible) ideas of beauty and what beautiful is. Maybe we're all victims of the cosmetic industry and our society telling us how we should look. So as a result, I'm this year embracing my white skin and not getting tanned. Then again the rebel thing to do would be to get a beautiful tan and see what my friends say about that... I wonder if they would see me as beautiful anymore?

My friend reckons we look gorgeous. I reckon I could do with a tan!

As I mentioned, I'm not a small girl. And before coming to China I had gained quite a bit of weight during my travels and I was wary about this. But when I arrived here, to my surprise everyone kept showering me with compliments. It wasn't until a lot later, when I found out the word for "fat" in Chinese, that I started to hear it more. Some of the children comment on my weight, rubbing my tummy while they do. But as I see their little smiling faces full of love I know they don't mean it in a disrespectful way, so I smile at them and pat their little heads. We're friends, and I can't be mad at them. To be fair, many of the kids call me beautiful on daily basis. I don't think "fat" here is as bad of a word as we think of it in the West. But don't quote me on that one...
For instance, I had dinner with some relatives of my friend's and after a nice night the mother, in her late 50's, was smiling as she looked at me and said "oh, we look the same, we're both fat". After that she told me I looked beautiful. I was still trying to get used to the Chinese culture so wasn't sure how to take it, which meant I simply smiled and nodded along.

As I've been in China for over four months now I have made an effort to eat healthier. I am happy the Chinese diet consists of mostly protein and fat, as this means there is virtually no dairy, sugar or wheat in any of the food. And I've never felt better! The food I eat here is healthy and nutritious. As I mostly eat at work or go out with friends for meals, I have no food in the house, which has proved to be a great success: I have nothing to munch on when sugar cravings hit me late at night. As a result, I've lost weight.
Now that it's spring and we're peeling off those heavy winter layers (of clothing), people are starting to notice this. At first it's obviously complimentary: any woman appreciates hearing she looks thinner (as it means obviously more beautiful, right..). But then it can be overbearing and irritating: my assistant genuinely got scared when she realised I've lost weight: she said my mother must be horrified if she finds out and she's probably wondering whether they're taking good care of me here in China! I laughed out loud in my head: I couldn't laugh in real life because she was so painfully serious. I told her many times that losing weight is due to healthier eating habits, and I assure I'm feeling great. She insisted for several times that it's worrisome, until I got irritated and told her to please drop the matter as I'm fine. It worked and now I'm not being pestered by her.

I've always had a good giggle about this add that appears next to my work place. But now in my confused, twisted head it means one has to be smaller, alas less, to be in fashion!

Reactions concerning my weight(loss) do occur constantly : only today I had lunch at my school and the head teacher walked in, I waved at her, and she squinted, came very close to me and told me in Chinese that I have lost a lot of weight. I knew what she was saying, but I was too tired to have this conversation in Chinese, so I pretended not to understand. She then just complimented me by saying I look beautiful. I thanked her and continued my meal. But it got me thinking - again - how very intrusive Chinese people are when it comes to matters of appearances. It seems to be everybody's business how you look. The average woman in China is painfully thin: anyone who's of normal weight (to Western standards) is considered "fat". The phenomena is quite alarming to me.

In China small is not only good, but it's the only size. Have you ever thought about where the "one size fits all" concept comes from? In China especially women have to fit within one size. This can be seen everywhere. I have a couple of Chinese girlfriends who are my height, so they're considered very tall, and though they probably weigh like 50 kg, they struggle to find clothes from the shops: they told me they usually buy size XXL. I told them back in the West I usually buy size XL. They nearly dropped their eyeballs right there and then. But I can't blame them, as in this society things are done for the majority, and the majority is super tiny.
For instance, my winter boots fell apart when it was still cold a few months ago. I needed new shoes and wanted boots. Obviously no shop sells my size as I'm a whopping size 40 (EU). I decided to go and get my shoes done by a cobbler. What does he tell me? He can't make shoes that big!! What?? I was ready to throw in the towel, but my friend took me to a sports shop where they had unisex shoes and I managed to find myself a pair of winter shoes. My year was officially saved as my toes were no longer freezing. What little shopping enthusiasm I had left in me died with this experience. Shopping is now a curse word for me.

My two very good friends, both who are as tall as I am and wear the Chinese size XXL. They do look massive, eh....

Another funny example of how the country is made only for tiny people: I joined my Chinese colleagues for a day trip to an amusement park in a city called Zheng Zhou. It never crossed my mind that I might be too big to ride in any of the rides in the park - I mean, only the deadly obese people who can't walk anymore don't fit in the rides, right? But as I sat in the first ride of the day and they strapped me in, lowered the safety bar and I could no longer feel my thighs it hit me: I might struggle today! I have never been more relieved than when the ride was over and the sensation of blood pumping returned to my thighs. I decided not to tell this to my Chinese friends though, I didn't want them being overly worried or affected by this. So off we go to the next ride! It was a twister and looked awesome so I happily forgot my previous experience. As we're standing there in line chatting away happily, one of the staff members walked up to me and said I might not fit in the harness, hence I might not be able to ride. I felt so absurd! I wanted to shout out loud "Look at me! I'm not obese! I fit into every ride ever made in Disneyland!". But I waited for my turn to try if I "fit in", and it turned out I did. As I did with all the other rides in the park: though to be honest one can't be any bigger than I am, otherwise the belts won't reach or the safety bars won't lock properly. It's safe to say I had a taste of what those deadly obese people feel like when they go to Disneyland. It's not nice! But luckily a catastrophy was avoided and everyone was able to enjoy the day out. Including my big, white self!

What originally inspired me to write this post today about the importance of appearances in China was the fact that after I returned home this afternoon from my lunch at the kindergarten, where I was complimented on losing weight, I had a text message from a friend of mine saying that she "heard I have lost weight". This person works with me and regularly sees me at school 3 days a week, yet today she had to inform me via a text that someone told her I lost weight? I must mention that this is the same friend I traveled with for two weeks and when I had horrible diarrhea and was in serious agony, she nonchalantly told me how lucky I was to have this condition, as she "would be so happy to get diarrhea in order to lose weight"... That left me speechless then and still does. Are Chinese women really that desperate to get even smaller they wish to have a painful illness??

I hope I've managed to share my experiences with you properly. I don't think Chinese people are vicious or evil, on the contrary I still think they are caring, kind people. But as in the West we have our own twisted perceptions of looks, the Chinese have their own - and perhaps they're more severe in theirs.
At the end of the day, this is merely one more thing to be put down as cultural differences.

From the belly of the dragon (pun intended)...

Zàijiàn!

Ironically I think my thighs are a good size, though they barely fit in the Chinese amusement park's rides, but my friend thinks her thighs are too big! 

Fake smiles and Chinglish

It has been four months for me in China. Many strange, new and exciting things have happened to me plentifully during my time here, but I think the past week deserves special attention for it truly captures everything I love and hate about China.


In China I sometimes feel anxiety due to the fact that it's hard to communicate with other people: to understand and to be understood has turned out to be more important than I ever imagined.. Go figure! I am the only foreign teacher in our school(s) and also the first full time foreign teacher they have ever had working for them. This means that my bosses and colleagues don't have the experience or know-how to integrate me in the school world. They sometimes seem to forget that I simply do not understand Chinese and that if they do not give me important, vital information, I don't even know how to ask for it.
Due to this lack of understanding and excess misunderstandings I have found a cure: a small group of us Westerners living here get together, drink beer and vent. It's incredible how it helps to have people with the same cultural background (and language abilities) listening to your issues and understanding completely what you've been through because they've been there themselves. After a hard week it's fantastic to walk into a bar and talk normally, without a language barrier, being understood and understanding what everyone says! The best things in life truly are free.

But last week this is how my troublesome week began. I had a particularly hard week at work and so when I got to our local pub I downed a few beers. Then played beer pong with rum and coke. Then had some more beers. And I think someone had Chinese wine (equals to strong gin in taste and evil-ness) to share with the group. Needless to say I was toasted after a few hours. I had the brains to call it a night and head home to cuddle with my toilet bowl. Next morning I realised I had lost my purse with more than 2000¥.  That's a week's pay for me and usually how much I spend in an entire month altogether. So understandably I was quite upset. Addition to that my head was pounding and I experienced a two day hangover. Served me right I gather.

A golden oldie: my first day working at the kindergarten

They were as fascinated of me then as they still are!

When I returned to work I had the busiest week since starting to work here: I usually have 3 classes a day, but now they scheduled me double the amount. I did alright, until I completely lost my self control in front of some exceptionally naughty kids. I am usually patient and in control, but I found myself yelling "shut up!" to a bunch of 5 year olds. I felt so low.

Next day I was in for a surprise: my recruitment agency send me a casual message via a social media App that I'm flying to Beijing that night to get my visa sorted. My boss nearly went ballistics because in two days we were having a youth camp for the kids and I was the main attraction. I told my boss that I simply don't know how long I'll be gone, because the recruitment agency never gives me any details. Which is typical in China: if something of importance is about to happen, they will inform you around 5 minutes before it actually happens. When working, this means no heads up, no schedules, no nothing. Usually I feel like working blind folded: I know nothing no matter how much I ask for information. After talking to my foreign friends working here, I know all of us experience the same phenomena.

However, off to Beijing I went that night - without any idea when I'll return. I get to Beijing airport at midnight and the company has failed to inform me who is coming to pick me up or when. Typical. So I call them and wait for 40 minutes for my ride. I am exhausted after an already busy week at work and lack of good sleep. I get to the hotel around 2am and enjoy a few hours of sleep, which is nowhere near enough. In the morning a different person picks me up, a Chinese guy I know well and really like him, and we drive to the residency office to sort out my visa. It takes us more than 2 hours to drive there - so we sit in the traffic and make small talk. All this time I wish I could be in bed, catching up on the sleep I've lost earlier this week and which I desperately need to be able to function later at the youth camp.

The best view I got in Beijing during my half-day trip.. Did I mention traffic in Beijing is INSANE!

We finally reach the visa office and the whole thing is done in 15 minutes. I feel like the trip is a waste of time: flying in and out Beijing for half a day just to walk into an office. Sigh. After brunch I'm told that I fly back this afternoon: but since it's a public holiday and the flights were fully booked they can only fly me to the nearest city, not my home town! Luckily the school has promised to organise me a lift back home so it should be easy. So I spend another 2 hours commuting to the airport, checking in, waiting for the delayed plane and finally boarding. When I land at my destination I'm cranky due to the lack of sleep, excess traveling and sheer annoyance of the futility of this trip. And then my lift is nowhere to be found. I call my contact and she says the driver will be there in 20 minutes. OK, I sit and wait yet again. A small city, quite like mine, and I'm the only foreigner at the airport. All eyes on me. When I'm tired, stressed or annoyed, I can't stand the rude stares and the "secretly" taken pictures of me. I want to scream out. I hide my face behind my hands or a newspaper, anything. I can't stand it. Then a Chinese kid comes and starts shoving me, he doesn't want me to sit on this particular chair. Before I totally lose my head, a parent comes along and takes the child away. Everything seems unbearable. Finally I get the call, the car appears and the driver heads off with three of us passengers. I count the minutes, hoping to reach home early. And then the car has an accident.
Luckily nothing more serious than cosmetic damage to the car, but due to the insurance policy we have to wait for the police to arrive and take pictures. So we wait. And wait. 3 hours later we get the green light and can head off. At this stage it's 11pm and I've been sitting in cars, subways, lounges and airplanes for a total of 11 hours within a day - I'm fed up, I just want to sleep. I call my boss who already knows we've had an accident and have been delayed. She does the sweetest thing in a long time: she tells me that I'm supposed to arrive at the school next morning at 7.30am to get ready for the camp, but she wants me to get more sleep so I can arrive at 10am. I'm so relieved and happy I could cry!

A miracle happens and in the car there's a Chinese man who actually speaks English! He tells me we will be arriving home very late and offers to buy us all dinner. We head out to an open air restaurant and have noodels, lotus root, meat jello and meat skewers. I'm starving and it's delicious! I sit there at 11pm and am having lunch with these Chinese people who are lovely and helpful. I almost get emotional when they offer me a chair or demand that I have the last meat skewer on the plate. I'm exhausted but feel lucky to have met these people, no matter the language barrier.

I feel happy as I'm well fed and warm, sitting on the back seat of the car heading home. I'm too tired to sleep, I can only rest for now til I get back to my bed. It's pouring down, which seems befitting.

When I finally get home it's 1am and I'm so tired and weary I can barely function. Yet I have to pack my bag for the camp. I get a good sleep but wake up feeling tired: I need more to compensate on the lack of sleep this week. But as I have no such option, I have my breakfast and head to meet the camp. Luckily the camp has had a change of plans and we are actually staying in town instead of heading out for the mountains: this means less commuting, which sounds heavenly after spending the previous day doing basically only that!

The camp is intense. There are 23 kids and as I pull in and get out of the cab, they see me and start chanting my name. Bless them, they are super excited to spend the weekend with me, I almost get teary eyed. But I can barely stay awake. The morning starts with a guy in army gear lining the kids up and shouting orders. At first I play along, mimicking others, but then I'm told if I want to, I don't need to join them. Which sounds only rational, as it's all in Chinese and I have no clue what's going on. So I stand there, watching them for the next hour before someone has a clear thought and they tell me I look exhausted, so if I want I can check in to the hotel room booked for us and have a rest. Fantastic! I feel so happy, I curl up in bed and wish to sleep forever. Thank you, boss! The rest of the day I have to make a real effort. All the kids want a part of me, so I have lunch with a big group of them and they all try and talk to me. I'm happy even the pre-teens are so excited, they think I'm the coolest :D

Playing a game with the primary schoolers

Painting Easter eggs with the kids

The teaching part of the day is gruesome: obviously no one prepared me and I walk into it blindfolded again. I get handed a microphone and shown to a stage. I guess it's time for a class. It's painful to realise that what I wanted to teach and how, is now all of a sudden unclear to my assistant. She keeps cutting me off and telling me "no, we have to do this first", or "no, we are not doing that". I feel so frustrated I want to throw the mic at her face. We actually  had a meeting two days prior to the camp to discuss about these things but now it makes no difference: clearly a massive misunderstanding and also she has not told me what she wants to be done and how. It's so typical. Except for this time, since I'm standing on a stage holding a microphone in front of little shining, happy faces and doing my very best to smile. I feel like such a phony. My "smile" is so tight it must look grotesque. So what happens? My assistant takes over. I just stand there and try to keep my "smile" on. I feel like this, too, is such a waste of time. All these thoughts run through my head: "why am I here, in this classroom, at this camp, in China? What's the point of this? Where do I draw the line?". The class comes to an end and I wish I could murder someone. Luckily the hard part is done for the day. That night we finish work at 10pm and I get some decent sleep.

The next day I wake up feeling superiorly better than the previous day. I'm pumped, I want to give a 100% and make this camp the best ever! And yet, the class turns out to be just as painfully disastrous as before. I have spent good time talking to my assistant, trying to figure out before I get on stage exactly what it is that they want me to do, and how. And yet we end up in the same situation: surprise surprise, the way I was planning the class is not how they want it done. I am so fed up I let the assistant take over again. I want to bang my head against a wall. I don't know what to do from preventing this to happen. I'm even more frustrated. I realise I'm fake smiling again.

Dancing "letkajenkka" with the kids

Easter decorations in the make

But my day is totally saved by the kids. There are three different groups joining the camp: the pre-teens, the primary school students and kindergarteners. They all want to hug me, tell me they love me, ask me all these questions, hold my hand and play with me. You can not but love all these kids! I am still tired but also having so much fun with them. They work so hard and face a lot of pressure from their parents to exceed, to do better and better and yet better. Everyone wants to be number one, the very best.
They say that Chinese parents will give everything to their child(ren) - and it's true, but it comes with an awfully high price. I saw a boy fall down crying, sobbing in a corner for an hour because he thought he didn't do well enough at the camp. Another boy whose English was improved during the camp, was shy to speak because he was told by his parents that he needs to be perfect so he was afraid of making any mistakes, hence didn't dare to talk much. It's heart wrenching as I see kids like these all the time. You just feel like hugging them and telling them they're the best. I told their parents instead.

All eyes on me. No pressure.

The last part of the camp was when the parents arrived to see how the kids had been doing at the camp and to take them home. I was told I need to give a speech to the parents and was instructed (for once!) of all the things to do and say. I felt so sympathetic for the kids, so I gave the most uplifting, heart warming appraisal of a speech for the parents and everyone gobbled it up. Mind you, I am excellent with words and when I feel sentimental I can deliver grandness oozing monologues. No matter how the actual camp had been, all the difficulties I had struggled with, I was happy when I saw everyone light up during my speech, loving it. I was so happy it was all over and I could finally go home.

In retrospect I think many things happened for a reason. It was such a rough week, but I was reminded to be grateful for what I got. I have a job which sometimes drives me off the wall, but I have some good people there, no matter how unorganized they are professionally, they care about me and my well being.
I have also had the good luck of finding good people and acts of kindness no matter where I go: I made a friend during the long drive home and enjoyed the company I was with.

As a bonus I was told in Beijing that after my contract ends with the school, the recruitment company would be pleased to have me work for them - I was told they like my personality and thought I would be great working as a host and an organizer for all the international teachers they have coming and going through Beijing. I was so impressed.

After all that's happened, I am not even bothered about losing my purse and all that money. I am willing to see it as it was: a bit of bad luck in the midst of all the good things that I actually have got. At the end of the day, it's good people that make life worth living. :)

Wish you all a great week!

Zàijiàn!

And happy Easter!